


Could this be the most elaborate prank in the world?

by Topology_no_jutsu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Family stuff!, Naruto deserves to be happy and I will full nelson you if you disagree, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:21:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 56,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25982785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topology_no_jutsu/pseuds/Topology_no_jutsu
Summary: Iruka had learned to always try and expect the unexpected in life, typically when it pertained to disasters.  No amount of training could prepare him for meeting Naruto's new parent who seems to have shown up out of nowhere.  Not sure of the intentions behind this newcomer, and not entirely sure it wasn't a prank, Iruka was determined to get to the bottom of who they were.
Relationships: That's the fucking question ain't it!
Comments: 19
Kudos: 16





	1. Something amiss in the Hidden Leaf Village

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah yeah like three days later and I'm back on my Naruto bullshit I know how it looks, but goddamn have been meaning to write this for a while and am very excited about it!

Iruka had been on edge all day. To an outside observer it would seem he was overreacting, but he knew better. The day of classes was almost over, but Naruto had not pulled any kind of pranks. It was the first day back from a break, and there hadn't been any prank attempts in a month. He’d tried the long con once in his younger days, but never managed to hold off this long. Whatever Naruto was up to would be huge, he just knew it.

“Um, Iruka is my answer wrong?” Sakura was giving him a confused look, as was most of the class.

“Oh uh” he snapped back to reality, having spaced out for a solid few minutes. “No it was correct, now can anyone tell me why practicing Shurikenjutsu is so important?”

He looked over the class, the weird looks from them all continued. Finally Sakura raised her hand once again.

“Well if no one else knows, go ahead Sakura.”

“It’s just, that was the question you asked before, and I already answered it.”

“Ah” he had made a mistake, he heard a few chuckles amongst the students. “That was a test, very good you saw through the trick. Moving on, let’s go get some target practice in!”

There was a cheer as the students prepared to go out to the training grounds. He couldn’t help but notice Naruto’s normal amount of enthusiasm, another suspicious sign. He tried to ignore the sense of impending danger. Instead he felt the need to focus on teaching seven year olds to throw sharp things and not harm themselves. 

“Alright good job everyone” the arrival of some parents meant the day was over. “Remember to keep practicing in your free time as well!”

“Ha I hit more targets than you Naruto” Kiba bragged loudly about this feat.

“You cheated, Akamaru put all the work in” Naruto argued back with him. “Besides I wasn’t even trying today.”

That odd comment put Iruka back on edge. Naruto was always highly competitive on the training grounds, something was wrong. He watched the group of students slowly filter out as parents came by, as always Naruto was the last one there. If something was going to happen he knew it’d be soon, he’d have to try and prevent it.

“Do you need me to take you home Naruto?” this would give him more time to piece together this prank that was brewing.

“Oh nah I’m waiting.”

The alarm bells in his head were starting to go off. Was he waiting for Iruka to leave so he could rig up something in the academy? He did a quick scan of the area, if it was something like that he’d have to have materials somewhere. 

“You sure?” his mind started clocking overtime to think of what he could be planning. “We could even stop and get something to eat on the way?”

This was his ultimate weapon to get Naruto to do something, he knew the kid could never turn down ramen. 

“Nah I shouldn’t have to wait too much longer” he was onto Iruka being onto him, that was the only explanation.

“Well, I’ll just sit over here with you, or I could give you some more pointers for throwing shuriken?”

This was his last ditch effort to delay whatever Naruto had cooked up, and he could see him considering it. He thanked the powers that be for helping him prevent this catastrophe.

“Naruto sorry I’m late!” his scheming was interrupted by a new voice as someone else came over. “This place is not easy to get to if you take the roads.”

Iruka stopped and looked at this newcomer. They looked to be roughly the same age as him, a bit shorter and with short dirty blonde hair. He tried to figure out who this was as he met their green eyes.

“Oh you must be Iruka!” he looked at the hand held out towards him.

“Uh yes I am” he shook it hesitantly. “Sorry I don’t think I know who you are?”

“Really?” they looked over at Naruto. “I thought he would have told you, but right sorry. I’m Rōzu! It’s nice to have a face for the legendary Iruka Naruto talks about all the time.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you too?” Iruka looked over to Naruto, off put by the large grin plastered on his face.

“Oh how could I forget, sorry Iruka this is my mom!”

“WHAT” Iruka snapped his head back up to look at Rōzu.

“Oh and he offered to get us some ramen so is that cool?”

“Naruto you had ramen yesterday you can’t have it two nights in a row, but if you’d like to have dinner with us you are more than free to.”

Iruka was still in a state of shock trying to process who he was currently meeting. He was only broken from this by the loud laughter of Naruto.

“Yes, I would like that” he didn’t want to be rude, but also needed to know if this was an elaborate ruse to mess with him.

“Great, I can write down our address for you then.”

“That would be very helpful yeah.”

He waited a few moments but noticed they didn’t pull anything out to write on.

“Oh do you need a pen or some paper?”

“I kind of just need you to let go of my hand” they looked down at the handshake that was still going on.

“Ah right sorry” Iruka quickly retracted his hand, more than a little embarrassed.

“And you can stop by” they looked over at Naruto while thinking. “I guess around six?”

“Six sounds great” he took the note with the address on it.

“Perfect, this is nice since I wanted to meet with you and ask about how he was in school and everything like that.”

“What” Naruto snapped to attention. “That doesn’t need to be known. I’m a great student, right Iruka?”

“I think we will have quite a lot to talk about over dinner today” he got to have the last laugh as Naruto’s face sunk.

“Great, I'm looking forward to it!” Rōzu took Naruto’s hand and started to head out. 

Iruka politely waved them off and waited to be out of sight before quietly freaking out. Naruto had a mom? He assumed the Hokage would have arranged this so he wouldn’t be all alone, but why wasn’t told about this? Needing some preliminary answers before showing up to the dinner he went to the Hokage tower. Conveniently he ran into the Hokage as he seemed to be on his way out.

“Ah Iruka” he seemed to be in better spirits than Iruka expected. “A pleasant surprise to see you.”

“Thank you sir?” he wasn’t sure how, but he knew Naruto had somehow gotten the Hokage in on this prank.

“Are you stopping by for any particular reason? I was about to head home for the day.”

“Sorry yes I am, I just have a few questions about Naruto’s new mom?”

“Oh so you’ve met Rōzu?”

“Yes I have, when did that happen exactly?” Iruka had done a few missions during the academy break, but didn’t think he’d have missed something like that.

“I want to say three weeks ago, I’d have to check my calendar for an exact date though.”

“No that’s not necessary, another question I have. How did this happen?”

“You’d have to ask the two of them for exact details there, but from what I understand Rōzu met Naruto by chance. They were here for a visit of some kind, and then adopted him, formally became a citizen here, and now work as my secretary.”

“So you didn’t just assign someone to adopt him? It happened naturally?”

“Iruka I thought you were passed these feelings towards Naruto.”

“No it’s not that, I’m just a little unsure of him being adopted by someone who just showed up three weeks ago.”

“I was too, I assure you, but I personally vetted Rōzu and found them to be perfectly fine. If you’d like I’m sure I could arrange a meeting between you two and you could do your own vetting.”

“I’m actually having dinner with the two of them today.”

“Well if tomorrow you have doubts of character or fear for Naruto’s well being, please bring them to my attention.”

“Of course sir.”

“Good, now I will be on my way” true to his word, he left.

Having heard the Hokage’s information on this situation, Iruka was now only seventy percent sure it was a prank. Without any other options, he just killed the few hours before the dinner plans. He felt confident in his ability to get to the bottom of this, and in his selection of a dessert that he politely bought to bring. He arrived ten minutes before six and knocked on the door.

“SHIT HE’S EARLY, GO STALL HIM!” he heard the sound of frantic footsteps rushing towards the door.

“Hey there Iruka” Naruto opened the door, he could see smoke coming from what he assumed was the kitchen. “Didn’t you say a good ninja is on time?”

“Is everything ok?” he tried to see what the cause of the smoke was, but Naruto closed the door some more so he couldn’t.

“Yeah it’s all, uh, good. There’s no burnt cake why would you even mention that.”

“I didn’t?”

“What crazy!” Naruto started laughing loudly as a distraction to look for another. “Whoa what’s that you got there? A bag? That’s cool.”

“Yeah I bought a small cake to bring for dessert since your mom was making dinner? Is that going ok?”

“Oh the dinner? Yeah that’s going uh, real good.”

“FUCK” he wasn’t convinced.

“Just um, the baking, cause mom wanted to make a cake for dessert. That hasn’t been going too great.”

Iruka heard the sound of a window slam open and then shut again. After a few moments the door was opened all the way and Rōzu joined the conversation.

“So” they looked at the bag he was carrying. “That’s a neat bag you go there huh.”

“Yeah I stopped and got a cake for dessert.”

“Oh that’s great, I um, didn’t have time, yeah that’s it, I didn’t have time to make one.”

“Right of course” Iruka didn’t want to be rude by mentioning what he’d seen and heard. “Can I come in?”

“Yes of course, welcome to our lovely and currently smoke filled home.”

It was of course small, the kitchen dining and living room all seemed to be combined together. He guessed there were two bedrooms from the doors he saw, and that the third one was probably the bathroom. It looked like a reasonably nice place for Naruto to have rented out for this elaborate prank.

“Feel free to pick any seat, also I hope you like chicken I didn’t think to ask earlier” Rōzu had gone back into the kitchen area while speaking. “Also do you want a drink? We have water, milk, or wine?”

“Wine?”

“Oh great” they brought the bottle out and a glass for him. “The Hokage gave it to me as a gift but I really don’t like wine, so feel free to take the bottle I guess?”

“Oh uh” Iruka was caught up between not being rude and also not wanting a whole bottle of wine to drink with this dinner. “Thank you, but could I also get some water?”

“Of course!”

He waited quietly as they brought out everything else for the meal. Given the scene he’d arrived at, he was surprised to see the chicken stir-fry looked pretty good. Once all three of them were situated at the table they began to eat.

“Thank you for dinner” he was still a little on guard, waiting for something to pop out at him. “It was very good.”

“Oh thank you!” Rōzu beamed from the compliment. “Turns out reading cook books is a great way to learn how to cook quickly.”

“Yeah you should’ve been here two weeks ago” Naruto whispered this to him. “We got takeout cause mom kept burning everything.”

“I heard that.”

“I didn’t say anything, you can’t prove it!”

“Did you not used to cook?” Iruka didn’t understand that.

“Not really no.”

“Not a lot of time with your old job?” he felt like this would be a good chance for him to learn more about who they were.

“That is certainly a way to put it.”

“What did you used to do?”

“Oh a little of this a little of that, you know?”

“No I can’t say I do.”

“Oh sure you do, you know, uh, temp work. Yeah, temp work.”

“You used to work as a temp worker.”

“Yup.”

“Uh huh, and where are you from?”

“Oh all over, lots of travel with the temp work. Before that I was born in the Land of Snow and lived there for a good while.”

“And you came here because?” he hoped to keep this actual answer momentum going.

“Hard to say, just was here you know.”

“Sure” he should’ve expected that wouldn’t work. “And you adopted Naruto?”

“Sure did, there’s paperwork and everything to back that up.”

“How did you two meet?”

“Oh I got this one” Naruto decided to enter the conversation having sat on the sideline long enough.

“By all means” Iruka did also want to hear this from Naruto as well and assumed he could get Rōzu’s take on it later.

“Well it all started when you were on a two-day mission last month, I coordinated my last big prank with you being out of town.”

“Of course you did, continue please.”

“I was pulling a fast one on some of those losers, you know the ones.”


	2. Game recognizes game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Focus on a story I just started instead of the older ones? Yeah

Naruto was running as fast as his short legs could go, two ninjas hot on his trail. He’d bamboozled and escaped these two plenty of times, and with Iruka out of town he was confident no one could find his hiding spots. He turned behind the roof of a taller building and clung to the bottom of a water tower.

“Dammit” the one stopped nearby to try and pick up his trail. “How fast is this kid?”

“He can’t be that fast” the other ninja did a quick survey of the rooftops. “He must’ve gone down to the streets, come on!”

Going on their wild goose chase the two descended to the streets below. Naruto maintained his hiding spot for another minute before dropping down, just to be safe. He pulled out a checklist he’d made and crossed both of their names off of it.

“Two down, four to go” he may only be seven, but he was going to get payback on these assholes one way or another.

Having finished up evading those two he hopped down into a nearby alley. He made sure all of the last parts of his escape routes were close to Ichiraku so he could stop by and refuel. He froze in his tracks as he saw someone at the end of the alley, once they saw him they quickly approached. So much for his perfect getaway.

“There you are!” when they were close enough they grabbed hold of his one arm. “I’ve been worried sick young man!”

“You have been?” he had no idea who this was, but they definitely weren’t either of the ninjas chasing him.

“Of course I have! I take my eyes off of you for one second and poof, you’re gone!”

He could now see two other people at the end of the alleyway, he wasn’t sure who they were either.

“Hey, you.”

“Excuse me I am talking to my son right now” this comment really threw him off his rhythm. “I mean seriously, you could’ve got hurt! And look where I find you, an alleyway, this is not clean at all!”

“Young man is this your” the one who’d called out early came closer, Naruto didn’t see any kind of headband on him. “Parent?”

He looked up at their face, almost imperceptibly they nodded back at him. Not sure of what to do, Naruto decided to go along with it.

“Yup, this is my, uh, my mom.”

“Really.”

“Yup, why else would I have said that.”

“And what exactly is your mother's name?” he heard his currently fake mother breath in sharply.

“Duh, it’s mom.”

“Oh really, what kind doesn’t know his mother’s name?”

“Actually” the other guy spoke up for once. “I never learned my mom’s name.”

“Really?”

“It’s rude to not call her mom.”

“You are unbelievable, fine apparently that makes sense, but you look pretty young to have a kid this big.”

“Oh my gosh” they spun a lock of hair around one of their fingers. “That’s quite nice of you to say sir.”

“That’s not what, I mean, what’s your son’s name?”

“Oh really? You think I don’t know the name of my little boy? I’m getting some very mixed signals sir.”

“Answer the question.”

“I don’t think I will since you are being very rude” they paused as Naruto’s stomach growled. “And you are wasting my time, we are on our way to go get some lunch.”

“Yay!” Naruto saw this as a chance to both help this stranger, and get free food. “Naruto loves ramen!”

“I don’t think we have the right person” the second guy spoke up again. “Like our target definitely doesn’t have a kid.”

“I’m aware” the first guy seemed very fed up with his associate and the whole situation he was dealing with. “Fine, sorry for the misunderstanding, have a good lunch.”

“Thanks mister!” Naruto decided to really sell this.

The two of them waved the men off as they left the alleyway and vanished into the crowded street. After a few moments his “mom” let out a massive sigh of relief.

“Are you some kind of child actor? That was an incredible performance.”

“That was nothing, and you should be glad, fake tears cost a lot more than just a ramen bowl.”

“Well I see you’ve already learned life’s most important lesson, if you’re good at something never do it for free.”

“Speaking of which” his stomach growled once again.

“Alright alright, we’ll get you some ramen and then I’ll drop you off with your actual parents.”

Naruto would let them cross the orphan bridge after he got to cross the ramen threshold. A short walk later and he was ordering his favorite bowl.

“Well this is a new face” Teuchi brought the bowls out for the two of them. “Naruto are you going to make any friends your own age?”

“This isn’t my friend, this is my mom” Naruto said with air quotes.

“Your mom?” he looked between the two of them confused. “Uh, since when?”

“Since like ten minutes ago.”

They threw up a peace sign at him as he just looked back for an explanation of some kind. The two were both too busy eating to actually give further details. Naruto was rudely interrupted from his bowl by one of the ninja he’d given the slip pulling him off the stool.

“I knew coming here would be the easiest way to find you” he glared at Naruto.

“Do you mind” Naruto couldn’t come up with anything else to say, so he just gestured to the ramen.

“Yes, I do mind, and you are going to be in a lot of trouble for what you did.”

“Excuse me” Naruto watched his “mom” put down their bowl and turn to face the ninja. “Would you mind putting my son down so he can finish eating, he is a growing boy.”

“Your, your what?”

“My son, Naruto, the boy you are holding onto right now. Put him down.”

As a look of confusion spread across his face, he complied and put Naruto down. He’d been aware not having parents his whole life up til now that’d he’d been missing out, but by this much?

“Now what exactly do you think my son did that warrants you coming in here and putting your hands on him?”

“He, he vandalized the memorial stone!”

“When exactly do you think he did this?”

“Like thirty minutes ago I chased him right afterwards!”

“That is impossible” they folded their arms and stared him down. “Me and my son were out shopping earlier this morning, and now I’m taking him out to lunch. I think I would have noticed if he disappeared and vandalized a memorial.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“Yes I am!” they got all up in his face. “I’m also calling you very rude, and kind of annoying. Now if you don’t mind, get out of here.”

Naruto watched as the guy he mostly certainly had been running from a little bit ago deflated. He weakly tried to point towards Naruto and say something but his “mom” just pointed towards the street. Now a broken man, this ninja left. Naruto was speechless. Not only had he done it, but he was getting with it? Without any lying on his part.

“Geez does everyone in this place have terrible manners?” once he was gone they sat back down to eat again.

“That was incredible, you just broke that guy!”

“You pick up some tricks on the road of life, namely how to sound assertive and angry.”

“I should also say I definitely did vandalize that thing” Naruto didn’t want this relationship founded upon lies to have another one in it.

“Oh I don’t care I didn’t even listen to what he said you did, consider this extra payback for your help earlier.”

“So I take it” Teuchi had just stood by and watched that play out. “You’re not really his mom?”

“Geez kid do your parents not take you out to eat?” they were surprised he had to ask.

“Uh about that” Naruto realized the orphan bridge now needed to be crossed. “I kinda don’t have parents.”

“What? Really?”

“Yup” Teuchi confirmed. “He’s all on his own.”

“Isn’t there an orphanage? Isn’t that like the explicit job of an orphanage to care for kids without parents?”

“I kinda got kicked out.”

“They can do that?”

“Apparently” Naruto didn’t want to explain the eighteen strike rule he had broken.

“If you tell me that alley I found you in is where you live I’ll lose it.”

“Oh no I’ve got an apartment, and I get money from the old man.”

They gave him quite the look in response to that.

“So this old man gives you money so you can live on your own? Instead of just taking care of you?”

“I mean, technically yes?” Naruto couldn’t see where this particular course was running.

“Where can I find this old man?” they looked between the two of them.

“Oh I can show you.”

“Naruto maybe that’s not a gre-” Teuchi tried to prevent the ensuing disaster.

“Thanks for the food, keep the change, let’s have a talk with this old guy” they dropped way too much money on the counter and left with Naruto.

“Oh why can’t he just call him the Hokage” Teuchi wasn’t sure who to be more worried for.

Naruto led them to the Hokage tower, he did not at any point explain what it was. Only that the old man worked there with his very important job in the office. The secretary that was there was by no means prepared.

“Sorry but he’s in a meeting Naruto” she didn’t actually check, but also didn’t like how often Naruto would come by.

“OH HE’S IN A MEETING” neither of them were prepared for his “mom” to slam down on the desk and begin yelling. “IS THAT RIGHT?”

“Uhh” she began to cower. “Yesss.”

“WELL I DON’T HEAR ANYONE TALKING, SO WHAT KIND OF MEETING IS THAT?”

She tried to say something in reply but the words came out as choked sounds as she was gripped by fear.

“I’M GOING IN THERE, AND WHEN I’M DONE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE SOME MORE WORDS FOR YOU” with that they headed to the door.

The secretary sat curled up in her chair in a panic. Naruto watched her pull out some paper from the desk, write on it, and then quickly leave. When he heard the door to the office get kicked he realized he should probably intervene somehow.

“YOU” they were aggressively pointing at the Hokage now.

“Me?” he was holding his pipe, having just packed it for a smoke.

“You” they walked over to the desk and threw the papers off of it.

“Naruto?” he could see Naruto in the doorway. “Who are you?”

“THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM HERE TO DISCUSS” they poked him hard in the chest pushing him back in the chair. “I AM HERE TO DISCUSS YOU, YOU DEAD BEAT PIECE, cover your ears Naruto.”

Naruto missed the end of that sentence and the next few as he did in fact cover his ears. He could tell there was a lot of yelling, a lot of pointing between himself and the Hokage, and then more louder yelling. This all stopped when someone else arrived on the scene.

“Uh” Kakashi looked at the busted door, things thrown across the room, and a yelling stranger. “Lord Hokage I have the report from that last mission for you.”

“AND ANOT-” they stopped hearing that. “Lord Hokage?”

“Yes, the Hokage, who you are pointing at.”

They looked back at Kakashi who was standing by Naruto, and then back to the Hokage. Their eyes slowly widened in realization. Frantically they began picking up all the things they’d thrown onto the floor and arranging them back on the desk.

“Kakashi.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Also I picked up the letter of resignation from your secretary, she left it on the desk.”

“Oh, great.”

“Haha that’s so funny” they tried to play it cool. “She didn’t, you know, write why on there did she?”

“Workplace stress.”

“Oh that’s so not specific it could be anything.”

“Uh huh” he seemed to have a solid guess as to what it could mean. “Now that you’ve calmed down, who are you?”

“That’s my mom” Naruto decided to try and expedite this explanation. “I may have badly explained who you are when asked earlier.”

“Mom?” the Hokage looked at them.

“Yeah as of like, an hour ago now?”

“Yeah about an hour.”

“Naruto, did you get adopted an hour ago?” the Hokage did not fully understand what they meant.

“I mean no, but also not no?”

“Did you do the adoption paperwork?” he was now directing these to the mother in question.

“No it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, I wouldn’t say I’m actually his mother. Certainly not legally.”

“Well you could’ve fooled me”

“Have I mentioned I’m very sorry about that little misunderstanding?”

“You haven’t actually.”

“I am so sorry about that.”

“Well” he looked over the papers that were once again on his desk. “I am the Hokage and have the proper paperwork somewhere here.”

“I uh, don’t know if that's a great idea” they scratched the back of their head. “I am only going to be in town for, well a few more hours I think. I’m not even a citizen here.”

“I’ve got the paperwork for that too.”

“I also only have my limited savings and no job, or home. I don’t think I meet any of the adoption requirements.”

“I have a home!” Naruto had grown pretty attached to having a parent in this short time.

“And I now have an open secretary position.”

“And I’m here” Kakashi reminded them all that he was in fact there. “So I can be the voucher for citizenship.”

“I don’t even know you.”

“So? You’ve apparently been Naruto’s mom for an hour now, good enough for me.”

“I see” they looked around the room, like a trapped animal. “I guess, I’ll be signing that, uh, paperwork?”

“Excellent” the Hokage produced two forms from his desk.

With one mild abuse of power later, Naruto’s “mom,” was now both legally a citizen of the village and actually his mom. If he’d known it would be this easy to get a parent he’d have hung out in way more alleyways.

“Wait, no one tell Iruka” Naruto stopped the three of them.

“Why?” Kakashi raised a single eyebrow.

“It’ll be really funny I swear.”

“Alright” he shrugged and headed on his way.

“Hm” the Hokage looked over the forms. “Just Rōzu? No last name.”

“Uh” they grimaced at this question. “Yes?”

“Yes you have a last name or yes you don’t.”

“The second one.”

“Well then, I guess it’s unorthodox, but since you are now Naruto’s mother you’ll officially be in the books as Rōzu Uzumaki.”

“Oh great” Rōzu seemed oddly relieved by that. “Do I start here for work tomorrow?”

“Yes I will need you immediately.”

“Alright then, I guess I’ll see you then boss?” they started slowly moving to the door.

“Yes you will, have a good rest of the day you two.”

With that Naruto led Rōzu back to what was going to be their home. They did a quick survey of the place.

“Alright, we will find a new home as soon as possible if that’s alright.”

“What why?”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the couch for now, but I do want to have my own bedroom now that I’m staying here.”

“Oh yeah” Naruto hadn’t actually thought about that.

“But I’ll worry about that” they ruffled his hair. “For now I guess, tell me more about yourself son.”

Naruto spent the rest of that night as well as most of the following day filling Rōzu in on any and all details about himself he could think of. He’d spent so long in his life wanting to have a family and parents, and he managed to get one by accident! He couldn’t wait to tell every single person he knew about how he now had a mom. 

“So yeah that about covers it all” Naruto wrapped up his story in the present with Iruka. “Any questions?”

“YES A LOT OF THEM” he’d have to have words with so many people about the logistics of letting a stranger who literally met Naruto in an alley, and used him in a prop for a lie, become a citizen and his parent. 

“Ok well, what are they?” Rōzu could guess they’d be aimed towards them.

“Why were you trying to escape those two guys?”

“Oh that was just a misunderstanding just like in Naruto’s story.”

“Really?”

“Yup, no clue who those guys were or why they were following me.”

Iruka furrowed his brow. They were clearly trying to keep that a secret, but he felt like that was a vital piece of information to have.

“Why did you agree to the whole adoption? It doesn't exactly seem like something you were very thrilled about.”

“Oh uh, I dunno” they shrugged at him. “Somewhere in the twenty minutes I was yelling profanities at the leader of your village made me reconsider the whole parenting thing I guess.”

“The fact you weren’t thrown in jail over that is surprising too.”

“Who would throw this face in prison?” they held their hand under their chin and tried to strike an elegant pose.

“Right….” he tried to ignore that. “And what about your last name, do you really not have one?’

“No I have one.”

“And what is it?”

“Duh, it’s Uzumaki, did you not listen to the story?”

Iruka admittedly had walked into that one. He hadn’t made much headway in getting answers out of them with how dodgy Rōzu was. 

“Thank you for dinner, it is getting kind of late though” he’d have to try again another time for answers. 

“Oh right, Naruto has school in the morning” Rōzu checked the clock. “And right you uh, you’re the teacher.”

“Yes I am” Iruka got a little laugh out of that.

“Alright, hopefully we can have a meeting about how he is in school sometime soon then” Rōzu had forgotten about that in the chaos of the baking and the story.

“Again that is not necessary!” Naruto was starting right into Iruka’s eyes.

“It can be arranged” he smirked back at him.


	3. Ignite the flames of your Youth!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is very hard to find the Land of Snow on a map of the Naruto world if you're dumb like me.

While he was still very skeptical about how Naruto gained a parent, Iruka had to admit they seemed to be a good influence on him. In the first week of classes since the break ended he’d shown a drive to improve as well a noticeable increase in skill. This only raised his suspicions of this Rōzu, if they were helping him train there was certainly more to them than what they tried to claim. As he walked along the park trail lost in thought he noticed a large cloud of dust coming right towards him and dodged out of the way.

“Ah Iruka” skidding to a halt was Gai, a man he only knew through Kakashi. “Sorry to have nearly bowled you over there.”

“No harm no foul Gai” he should’ve noticed earlier if he wasn’t so distracted.

“Good to hear, Kakashi keeps telling me I’m causing mayhem with all my training. He won’t even hear me out when I explain how this is just the warm up jog and not even my training.”

As Gai went into his explanation of his routine Iruka noticed two other people coming up the trail. The sight of Naruto and Rōzu exhaustedly running towards them made him rule out his earlier line of thought. As the two of them collapsed by Gai he stopped his explanation.

“Ah perfect, I was worried you two had given up on our warm up run.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it” Rōzu pulled out two bottles of water from a little workout bag and began to chug one.

“Any chance the running is done?” Naruto took the other bottle and drank while he waited for a reply.

“Almost over?” Gai looked shocked by the question. “We’ve only made it halfway around the village, we still have to finish this lap and the next one.”

“Gai I think you might be pushing them too far” Iruka watched them struggle to breath. “Is this the first workout you’ve done with someone else?”

“No.”

“Someone other than Kakashi?”

“Yes….”

“Do you think they might need to start at a bit lower intensity training?”

“I suppose you're right” this got half hearted cheers from the floor. “Half a lap is a good place to start them for the run. Now we can move on to a thousa-”

“Lower.”

“Five hun-”

“Please lower” Rōzu looked like they might faint just from hearing the numbers.

“A hundred?”

“What if we just do like twenty and you do your thousand?”

“I guess that could work” he scratched his chin. “Though twenty is kind of low for the sets.”

“How many sets are there?” Iruka hadn’t actually believed Kakashi’s stories about Gai before, but was starting to now. 

“Ten of course.”

“I think I can do that” Naruto tried to sound confident, it fell a little flat since he was still laying on the floor.

“Great, we can start with pushups since you’re already down there” Gai joined them on the floor and started busting out push ups at an insane speeds.

“What is he?” Rōzu could barely keep up with just watching him.

Iruka decided to stick around and observe their training. When he felt good about his own condition watching Naruto and Rōzu he’d watch Gai to feel worse. Hours later they had managed to get to the final set of the workout. Gai had finished his sets so much earlier and was alternating between offering encouragement and getting more water. The two of them finally finished the last set of kicks.

“YES” Gai brought the hype for them as they fell to the floor again. “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HONE YOUR YOUTHFUL POWER?”

“Mom can we never do this again?” Naruto was whispering to them as he kept cheering at them.

“He knows where we live” Rōzu clearly had their own regrets about agreeing to the training. “We can’t hide and we can’t outrun him.”

“I am so proud” Gai was now crying a little as his speech wound down. “To have helped you both take the first time on this journey.”

“Gai I think Naruto passed out?” Iruka went over to check on him as his eyes shut.

“Oh that brings me back, I was reported missing all the time when I’d pass out training.”

While Gai continued to cry over his own beautiful journey Iruka looked Naruto over. He was clearly faking it to get out of this situation sooner, and after everything he’d seen Iruka decided the two of them had earned it.

“Yeah he’s out alright, I’ll have to help the two of them get back home.”

“I insist on helping as well” Gai dried his tears and scooped Naruto up. 

“I’ll get Rōzu then” Iruka watched as Naruto was carried off at breakneck speeds.

“Brave kid, he really bit the bullet today” Rōzu got to their feet with his help.

“Why were you training with Gai exactly?” Iruka put one of their arms over his shoulder to help them walk back. 

“Well Naruto wanted me to help him train, and I know fuck all about training. So I asked Kakashi since I only know like five people here, and he said Gai was the man to go to. We got introduced, he punched a boulder into pebbles and Naruto insisted we had to train with him.”

“Kakashi must not like you very much.”

“I can see that now, it’s hard to read that guy.”

“You figure it out after a while.”

“This coming from you? I can’t really read you either.”

“What?” Iruka was pretty sure he was like an open book.

“You come at me with a whole lot of questions, get kind of annoyed when I dodge them all, and now you’re carrying me back home after a day of making sure Gai didn’t kill us.”

“My questions were justified, you apparently dropped out of the sky and adopted Naruto.”

“I’m not saying they aren’t, it just gives me some mixed signals.”

“Well I don’t have any mixed signals from you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I don’t trust you. So whatever you’re actually doing in the village, you better give it up.”

“I kinda walked into that one I guess” they leaned on him more and sighed. “Don’t worry once I’ve finished learning all of the weaknesses of every ninja here I’ll be on my way back to my evil lair with my super evil boss.”

“You know that’s not what I meant” he rolled his eyes at them.

“I really don’t. So either give up the whole paranoia thing or go full crazy, I’m talking stalking, staking out my place, stealing my clothes for some reason.”

“I think I’m going to pick the third choice of being a healthy amount of suspicious and keep asking you questions.”

“Boring, but I guess ask away.”

“Right” he didn’t expect them to actually offer up any answers, but it couldn’t hurt to try. “Where are you from?”

“Land of Snow like I’ve told you before.”

“Where are you really from?”

“This is your second of your three questions I want you to know, so feel good about wasting it since I am really from the Land of Snow.”

“What! Why only three questions? And this doesn't count as the third one.”

“Fine this is a freebie, since you helped me today I was going to give you three actual answers as thanks. Down to one left though.”

“Fine” he assumed that wasn’t actually true and they’d just lie in reply to his third question. “Why are you still here?”

“That’s easy, Naruto.”

“Really?”

“I’m not going to adopt an orphan and then ditch him, what do I look like? Don’t answer that I know what I look like.”

“I actually kind of believe you” he was surprised by the matter of fact way they’d said it. 

“Just because I am definitely not old enough to have and raise a child doesn’t mean I’m a quitter, and he’s a good kid. Way better than the last one I had to babysit.”

“Last one?”

“Sorry you’re all out of questions, and we’re ba-” they stopped as they looked Gai doing squats using Naruto as a weight.

“Ah there you are!” he stopped and came over to them. “I didn’t know which apartment was the right one.”

They both looked at Naruto. Either he had gotten very good at faking, or Gai furiously squatting him had actually knocked him out.

“Right, I can take him from here” Rōzu didn’t sound very confident of that.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, we’ve already taken up enough of your day I’m sure. A busy guy like you can’t spend all day helping us out.”

“Alright then” he carefully handed Naruto off to them. “I’ll see you again next week, try and keep at it on your own as well!”

They watched him race off, probably to do more training. Once his dust cloud faded Rōzu began to head inside.

“Maybe this village is way too dangerous to raise a kid in” they struggled a bit to hold Naruto and grab the keys.

“It’s not that bad” Iruka gave them a hand. “Of course you apparently have some experience with it.”

“Nice try but I’m not offering up any more freebies, you’ll have to earn more answers” with his help they could get the door open and move inside with Naruto.

“How do I do that exactly?” 

“If you keep being nice and helping me out that’s not a bad start” they put Naruto down on a couch and collapsed into a chair. “I’ll think about giving you some bonus ones too since you’re kinda cute.”

“What!” Iruka’s face reddened from the unexpected compliment.

“Yeah like that.”

Iruka wasn’t sure what to do or say in reply, so he just left. Once he was out on his own again he got angry with himself for getting flustered. They were still potentially a threat to Naruto and the Village, he could not let them fluster him so easily.

“Hey wait!” Rōzu was calling to him from a window. “Wanna get lunch?”

He paused again. Admittedly he did not know what to do in this situation, but he could tell they were clearly trying to ask him out. He had to refuse, it was clearly some ploy from them, but he could use it as a chance to get more info too.

“A no works too, I know Naruto’s going to be super hungry when he wakes” they interrupted his thinking. “And you’re already down there, I could pay you back.”

“Oh” he may have taken that the wrong way. “Uh, yeah I guess I can.”

“Thanks! Just get it from wherever I guess?”

“I’ll get some ramen” he didn’t know what else Naruto would actually eat.

“That’s probably the best idea, just wait a second” they dipped back inside the room.

Now that they weren’t looking right at him he got annoyed with himself again. He’d clearly let them get in his head with that cute comment. Starting right then he’d make sure it didn’t happen again.

“Heads up!”

He looked up and caught the wallet tossed to him. It was a little panda wallet, he had to admit it did look fairly cute.

“Just don’t spend it all please!”

“Right uh, thank you” he pocketed it and headed towards Ichiraku.

“Well look who it is” Teuchi greeted him. “Haven’t seen you here alone in quite a while. The usual?”

“If I can get it to go and a bowl for Naruto” he looked over the menu not knowing what bowl Rōzu would want. “And I guess a second bowl for Naruto?”

“Alright I’ll have those ready for you in a jiffy” taking the payment from Iruka he headed into the kitchen.

Sitting down at the counter Iruka thought over what he’d learned today. They were very insistent on the Land of Snow being their place of origin, which certainly didn’t explain why Rōzu was in Konoha. If they were a ninja from there they were also an incredible actor. He also now had this info about a child they’d apparently cared for at some point, given everything he’d seen that didn’t seem to be true. He was too wrapped up in these thoughts to notice Kakashi arrive until he spoke up.

“I like the new wallet” he had been zoned out looking at the panda wallet.

“It’s not mine.”

“I thought teachers would be paid enough to not need to pickpocket for cash.”

“I’ve been living under my desk for years now, so it really was just a matter of time.”

“Guess the future of the village is in some very sticky hands.”

“Coming from the guy who goes around reading porn?”

“The connotation of that isn’t exactly what I wanted.”

The two shared a small laugh. It’d been some time since Iruka had spent time with Kakashi, the man went on more missions in a month than he did in five years.

“Here are your two bowls to go” Teuchi put down two plastic bags on the counter. 

“Thanks, I’m sure Naruto will be happy to smell this after training today.”

“Can I get you anything Kakashi?”

“I’ll take a bowl to go as well, I’ll catch up to you Iruka.”

“Right” he decided not to warn him about the atmosphere he’d be coming to.

A short walk back and he was in front of the Uzumaki residence door. He gave it two quick headbutts to knock.

“It’s open!” Rōzu yelled from somewhere inside.

Putting one bag down he opened the door up. He found Naruto still laying on the couch like before. Rōzu was just lying on the floor by the window, they both perked up when the smell of ramen filled the apartment.

“Yes” Naruto quickly crawled over and pulled a bowl out of the bag Iruka was holding.

“You are not eating that on the floor!”

“Fine” Naruto pouted and climbed into a chair by the table.

“Someone else may be joining us as well” Iruka put the other two bowls on the table and watched Rōzu slowly climb into a chair as well.

“Who exactly?”

“Oh you’ll see.”

“Huh. It is annoying when people dodge your questions.”

“Not a fan of this side of it?”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“Of course not” he sighed and started on his bowl.

Iruka did his best to not outwardly laugh as Rōzu tried to make Naruto eat his bowl like a normal human. He’d given up on that almost immediately so he had to applaud their tenacity, even if the method was a little odd.

“WE USE UTENSILS IN THIS FAMILY” they had him in a light chokehold.

“NEVER” Naruto was doing his best to squirm and wiggle, clearly hoping his infinite child energy would win the war of attrition.

“Maybe I’ll come back later” Kakashi hopped through the window and into a very strange scene.

“Oh no you don’t!” Rōzu released Naruto and threw his chopstick pair into the wall by Kakashi’s head. “Go train with Gai you said, it’ll be fine you said.”

While they began to chew him out Iruka’s eyes remained glued to the chopsticks. They were stuck a few inches into the wall and had been thrown far too accurately for him to ignore. If he was going to learn more he’d have to wait for more slip ups from them, he was sure they’d make more mistakes.


	4. Sometimes there's isn't a very solid line between a deal and blackmail

It had been almost two months since Konoha gained another Uzumaki, and for the first time since they’d shown up, Naruto was heading home alone. Iruka hadn’t been keeping as close a tab on them this past weekend but was sure he’d have heard if they went missing. Deciding to stick his nose right into this, he went after Naruto.

“Hey wait up” to not seem like a weirdo, Iruka decided to call out to him. “Shouldn’t you be waiting for your mom instead of heading off alone?”

“Yeah I’m heading to visit mom and then going home” this meant  Rōzu was still around somewhere.

“Well I’ll just come with you to make sure you stay out of trouble” he hoped this sounded believable enough.

“Why does everyone think I’ll go five minutes unsupervised and cause mayhem?”

“Is that a paint can in your bag?”

“Just because you’re right to think that doesn’t mean it’s not rude” he handed the can over.

“And the other one.”

With an annoyed sigh Naruto pulled out a spray paint can as well. Iruka left them by the academy to put away later. With his mischief halted Naruto led Iruka off. It took him a good while to realize they weren’t headed to the Hokage tower.

“Where is your mom exactly Naruto?” Iruka had admittedly made an ass of himself.

“Hospital.”

“For work?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, alright” he couldn’t think of a reason the Hokage’s secretary would be at the hospital for work but figured Rōzu could answer that.

With a few dismissive looks and waves in directions from the staff at the front desk they ended up on the second floor. As they entered the recovery wing Iruka realized he may have the wrong understanding as to why they were here.

“How am I supposed to recover” the voice of Rōzu coming out of a room ahead of them got his attention. “Without good day time television? Seriously, if I wanted to watch broadcast tv I’d have gone home!”

“Mom!” Naruto ran into the room.

“Naruto!” Iruka watched them pull him into a half hug from the bed, their other arm wrapped up in a cast. “And you have a chaperone, you weren’t trying to pull some prank while I was in here were you?”

“I would do no such thing.”

“He had two cans of paint on him” Iruka tried to play it cool and hide how unexpected this was.

“Narc” they got a laugh from Naruto. “But this violates the one prank a month rule young man.”

“I didn’t even get to do it! That’s not fair!”

“Wait what was the first prank?” he did not like being unaware of prank related activity.

“Ok it can slide since he didn’t notice it.”

“Yes!”

Iruka made a mental note to check any and everything for this prank, if it went under his radar he was getting slow.

“Alright if you two can grab a doctor I can get dressed and we can head home” Rōzu stood up from the bed and stretched their good arm.

“Is that a good idea?” 

“Yeah I got my stitches and my cast, just gotta take it easy while I heal.”

“How did you end up here exactly?”

“Later, get outta here while I change already” they waved him off and grabbed some clothes from a counter.

“Sure” not sure what to do he took Naruto and left. “Any idea where the doctor is?”

“No but this usually works” he headed to the closest person. “Hey where’s a doctor?”

“Well I could’ve done that” Iruka followed him over. 

“But you didn’t.”

“Shut up.”

The nurse who they’d wandered over to and just ignored after asking a question watched them bicker for a few seconds before sneaking off. 

“Well now that nurse is gone” Naruto looked around for someone else before walking off. “Hey you!”

“Huh?” some woman in a lab coat looked over as she shut a door.

“You a doctor?”

“I am yes.”

“Great, come with us.”

“Uh” she looked over at Iruka confused.

“His mom needs a doctor to get released, could you help us real quick?’

“Oh sure yea” she followed them back to Rōzu’s room. “Doctor coming in.”

The two waited outside the room overhearing some muffled conversation. After a few moments the doctor came back out followed by Rōzu. The doctor was now holding a clipboard and looking over some papers on it.

“So yeah just bring this form to the front desk” she pulled one free. “And you’ll be on your way.”

“Great” they grabbed it with their good hand. “Thanks doc.”

“Mhm” she wandered off in a way that made Iruka unsure of what she actually did in the hospital.

Another thirty minutes of hospital bureaucracy later and the three of them were walking out of the hospital. As far as Iruka could tell they only seemed to have the injured arm; given their overall aloof demeanor about the whole thing he assumed it was caused by something mundane.

“Alright since I don’t want to cook we can grab something on the way” Rōzu pulled their wallet out and handed it to Naruto. “You can pick.”

“Oh decisions decisions” Naruto hesitated for a single moment before making a b-line towards Ichiraku.

“Yeah that figures, you have to get your own today” they followed after Naruto.

Still curious about what happened, Iruka did go after the two of them. Ordering his own bowl to go he helped carry theirs so Naruto could get the keys. He watched Rōzu struggle with the togo bowl, he’d never noticed before but they must have been right handed. 

“Do you ne-”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yar” they were now also using their mouth to open the bowl with moderate success.

“Right” he tried not to laugh as they ended up splashing the ramen onto themself after opening it.

“Dammit” they frowned at the now ruined shirt. “No one eat my food while I get a new shirt on.”

Iruka managed to eat his own bowl and keep Naruto off of theirs. The occasional banging and yelled half swear from the other room did get some laughs from him. 

“Ok” Rōzu came back out, finally having put on a tank top. “Naruto later we will be cutting the sleeve off some of my shirts.”

“Is that a good idea mom?”

“No but I can’t fit this stupid cast through most of the sleeves so were doing it.”

Iruka was doing his best to look discreetly, now that more of their chest was revealed he could see scars covering it. Most of them were too faded to be from this weekend, he’d have to try and ask about them some other time. His thinking was interrupted by Naruto poking a chopstick into his ear.

“What the hell!” he swatted it away annoyed.

“Our record is one chopstick now” Naruto wrote that down.

“Well now that you’re done zoning out” Rōzu started to eat their food. “I can fill you in on what happened.”

“Wow no hoops to jump through?”

“I can add hoops if you’d like.”

“No, a normal explanation would be nice.”

“Got in a fight with some drunk guy, he smashed a bottle on my head and I landed on my arm when I fell.”

“What?”

“What?”

“That’s it?” Iruka had expected something a little less, well, believable.

“Yea? Unless you know something I don’t about how I broke my arm?”

“I just kind of expected something more out of the ordinary I guess?”

“Can I tell my version of it?” Naruto was raising his hand.

“Does your version still include a dragon?”

“Yep.”

“No you cannot.”

“Fine” Naruto did an exaggerated pout and put his hand down.

“Well, do you know who it was?” Iruka realized he probably should be more worried about some violent drunk in the village. “So you can press charges?”

“Uh nope, just some random dude” the tone their voice took let him know there was more to it. “Gave his description to those ninja police or whatever and they haven’t gotten back about it. Probably some visitor or something who left already.”

“Uh huh” he would have to press them more about this too.

“Oh gosh I just remembered” they got up and headed to the door. “I had to get some stuff for work, Iruka you wanna give me a hand?”

“I can help out!” Naruto ran over to get his shoes.

“Sorry kiddo” Rōzu slid his shoes away. “But I can only assume you have homework to do. Right Mr. Teacher?”

This set off an alarm for Iruka. Ever since he’d met Rōzu they always seemed to want to keep Naruto nearby.

“Yeah you’ve got that assignment for tomorrow Naruto” he wasn’t sure what they wanted, but knew they clearly wanted to be alone with him. 

“What but, can’t I get an extension since my mom was in the hospital?”

“It was due on Friday and you said you’d get it done by today, so if you can have by tomorrow that’ll be within two extensions.”

“Crap” Naruto ran over to his bag and started pulling out some papers.

“I’ll give you a hand with it once I’m back” they put on some sandals and motioned for Iruka.

“Alright just don’t take too long!” he had dumped the bag over and was now looking in the pile he’d made.

Once the door was shut Rōzu led him to the building stairwell instead of to the exit. He made sure to keep his guard up even if they were down an arm.

“Alright, so my question first” they leaned against the door to keep it shut. “Do you know anything about Naruto’s family?”

“Uh” he did not expect a question like that. “No I can’t say I do why?”

“Alright what I’m about to tell you, stays in the stairwell got it?”

This only put him on more of an edge, but he nodded.

“So that guy the police are looking for, hopefully they don’t find him. He is currently buried in the woods I think.”

“I’m sorry, you think?”

“Well I was little out of it at that point and was kind of just following this random guy's lead. In case you’re wondering, digging a hole with a broken arm is a really bad idea.”

“So this guy broke your arm, and then you killed him?” Iruka was a little confused by this series of events.

“No, I didn’t” they sighed and looked at him for a few moments before continuing. “Naruto did.”

“What?” he couldn’t believe that. “You expect me to believe that Naruto would do something like that? Hell that he even could do something like that?”

“No I really don’t because I’m still not sure I do, but he did. It was definitely not normal, he was glowing like a reddish orange.”

With that Iruka’s heart sank. He knew exactly what that meant.

“What happened after that.”

“He attacked the guy, he looked like some kind of feral animal. By the time I could get back up and pull him back the guy’s head was already cracked open.”

“Then what.”

“Well the glowing stopped, which was nice. I turned him away from the body and panicked for a good long minute. Then that other guy showed up. Well maybe he’s some kid I dunno?”

“What’d he look like?”

“Black hair, red eyes, kind of a bad vibe if I’m honest.”

“Ok definitely a Uchiha, he helped you hide the body?”

“Yeah he did something to make Naruto pass out and forget what happened, or I guess distorted his memory of it. Then he helped me clean up the scene and get rid of the body.”

“Now, that has its own very bad implications if I’m honest, but do you know why he helped you?”

“He really didn’t say? But he also must’ve seen the glowing and didn’t ask about that so, I guess he knows stuff I don’t.”

“Well if you don’t know a lot that’s pretty easy” Iruka would have to figure out which Uchiha this was.

“Do you have any idea what the hell is going on with my son?” their tone shifted slightly, he could tell they were afraid.

Iruka paused. He was pretty sure that it was related to the Nine-tailed fox, but if they didn’t already know about that should he tell them? How would they react to that, would it change how they treated Naruto? He knew he had to say something.

“No” he made a choice. “I really don’t know much about his birth family, but it must be related to them.”

“Great. Guess I’ll add this to my list of questions that don’t have answers.”

“This is coming from you?” he tried to lighten the mood a little.

“Listen, I need you to swear to me that this stays a secret” the mood was evidently not lightened.

“I can’t d-”

“Iruka, I will protect him” they locked eyes with him, and he could see the fear in theirs. “If this gets out, his life is going to end, and I will not allow that to happen. So I need you to keep this a secret, for me and for Naruto.”

“If I do this very illegal thing for you, you have to give me answers as well.”

“Fine” they held their good hand out to him.

He shook it. This was by no means how he wanted to get more information out of them, but if Naruto was using the powers of the nine-tails he couldn’t let an unknown risk be his parent. Being a ninja of Konoha meant doing things to keep the village safe, even if it meant bending his own morals along the way.


	5. It's one parent teacher conference, how difficult could it be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woof is this way later than I wanted it! Sorry I've been very busy with work and then also very busy out of work, I moved and am on a podcast now! Obligatory plug of it here: Redacted Roulette, four friends talk about a mostly randomly decided thing! Better cover art pending. It's on spotify? I think? Plug over! Hopefully writing block over too!

Iruka had tried to give Rōzu a fair amount of time before pestering them for additional information to let them heal up some more. Now that he was pretty certain he’d get the info from them, he thought he could wait somewhat patiently. After two whole days of waiting, he learned that wasn’t true. Luckily, he’d come up with a good way to fabricate a situation to get them to churn the information out to him.

“Naruto don’t forget” he pulled the young scamp aside. “Parent teacher conference, today. I will know if you don’t tell Rōzu about it.”

“Not if you get knocked out before then and get amnesia before then” Iruka did not like the tone he used as he left the room.

“Iruka-sensei should we all tell our parents about it too?” Sakura got a collective groan from the class asking this.

“Uh” he peered out the doorway to see if Naruto was still in earshot. “Nope, no other conferences today.”

“Will there be other conferences ever?”

“No probably not” this got some cheers from the class. “Just make sure to study for the test this Friday.”

After that rollercoaster of child highs and lows Iruka looked through his desk for papers. He had to create the illusion of a parent teacher conference before his actual plan started.

“Why don’t I have any assignment from Naruto?” he had gone through three drawers in his desk now and found none. “He turns them in I think?”

“You alright Iruka?” Mizuki looked at him tearing apart the desk a little confused and afraid.

“No I am not alright!” he swept through some floor papers. “NARUTO HASN’T TURNED IN A SINGLE ASSIGNMENT!”

“Yes he has?”

“THEN WHERE ARE THEY?”

“Well, his last name is Uzumaki, so his stuff is in the other cabinet since it’s the second half of the alphabet?”

Iruka looked at the drawers he’d turned over to find any paper. His embarrassment grew as he saw the early parts of the alphabets. The final desk drawer cut off at R. Slowly he stood up and went over to the drawer and opened the S-V section.

“Oh.”

“You doing alright buddy?”

“I am completely fine, I just am distracted.”

“By?”

“This parent teacher conference.”

“Oh shit we’re doing those? Fuck do I have to do the Uchihas this year?”

“No no, just the one.”

“You’re distracted because we have a single parent teacher conference?”

“Oh uh” he forgot that Mizuki might want to be there for this. “You know, it’s with Naruto’s new mom so like, there’s a lot to cover.”

“Wait. Naruto has a mom, AND a new mom?”

“No just one new mom.”

“SINCE WHEN?”

“THANK YOU FOR ALSO NOT KNOWING!”

“Oh wait do you know now?”

“YOU KNEW BEFORE ME?”

“Yeah like everyone knew, how did you miss that?”

“HE LITERALLY ADMITTED TO HIDING THAT FACT FROM ME!”

“IT’S A WHOLE ASS PERSON! WHO CAME HERE! TO ASK ABOUT HIS CLASSES!”

“WHEN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!”

“Dude, you were there.”

Iruka paused, he did vaguely remember Mizuki telling him someone came in and pretended to be Naruto’s mom. He was just filing some papers so left Mizuki to talk to them then.

“YOU SAID IT WAS A JOKE!”

“I THOUGHT IT WAS! BUT THEN THEY CAME IN AGAIN THE NEXT DAY AND WERE MAD THAT I PUT FART CLASS ON THE PAPER!”

“YOU SAID HE HAD A FART CLASS?”

“Yeah” Mizuki laughed a little. “I did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about them?”

“Naruto said it’d be funny, he was right.”

“But still, it was kind of relevant.”

“Dude I’m not a narc” he went over and grabbed some papers out of Iruka’s hand. “But I will absolutely be here to tell his mom how bad he’s doing in class.”

“Or” Iruka refocused, he couldn’t have Mizuki here for the conference. “You just let me handle it and take the night off.”

“No way, this is going to be the literal best conference ever.”

“I dunno, I think it’ll be really boring.”

“I’m sorry, are you insane? I cannot think of a single thing about this that won’t be incredibly fun.”

“Like what?”

“This is the parent who beat someone at the orphanage senseless and threatened to do so to the Hokage. Since you’re driving the conference I just get to watch.”

“I don’t think it’ll be anything like that.”

“Well I do.”

Iruka had no idea how to get Mizuki to not stick around for the conference, and Rōzu could show up at any time. As the door opened up and they strolled into the room his hopes of getting info today faded.

“Hey Ruka hey fart guy” Rōzu looked out of it to say the least, the shirt with poorly cut off sleeves only added to that image. “Parent is present! Let’s make this quick my pain meds are stuhwrong.”

“Oh hell yes” Mizuki pulled two more chairs over to the desk and excitedly sat down.

“I really don’t think we both need to be here for this though you know?” the one day in his life Mizuki wanted to do some extra work and it had to be today.

“You’re right, take the night buddy I can do this alone.”

“Yeah and besides I already talk to you like everyday” Rōzu was now a hindrance to his plan.

“See?”

“Oh and you can go watch Naruto for me since I left him with Kakashi and whoa boy does that seem like a bad idea.”

“Oh god why would you do that?”

“Well I was coming here to talk with you, and I saw Kakashi, and I, being low on options, left Naruto with him.”

Iruka was torn. One the one hand, he wanted to get this info finally. On the other much more responsible hand, Kakashi could not be trusted with a young child. 

“We can just postpone this parent teacher conference til you’re not on drugs” he compromised on his internal debate. “So let’s go find Naruto.”

“What” Mizuki locked eyes with him, the slight widening of them let Iruka know he’d realized something. “Actually I can just go grab Naruto while you take over here.”

“I am still on drugs regardless of who is here for the conference incase that’s not clear.”

“What who cares” Mizuki had gotten up and was walking past Iruka to the door. “I totally see what’s going on here, you could’ve just said so man.”

“What?” Iruka was now lost as to what was going on.

“So we are doing a conference?” Rōzu gave them both a fairly hazy look.

“Yeah you and Ruka here” Mizuki winked to him when saying that. “Can handle it without me I’m sure.”

“Uh, yeah alright?”

“No worries bro, I didn’t win wingman of the year for nothing” with that final whispered line Mizuki was out the door.

“What?”

“Huh?”

“No that was to him.”

“Who?”

“Mizuki the other instructor.”

“Who?”

“Fart guy.”

“Ah fart guy” the confused air about them seemingly dissipated before returning in full a few moments later. “So what do we do now at this conference?”

“Well typically I go over how the student you're the parent of is doing in their classes and answer any questions you’ve got about their progress.”

“Given who my child is I’ll assume he’s doing poorly.”

“Well, overall his grades aren’t great, yes, but recently they have been improving. Likely due to some out of school guidance.”

“Are you telling me Might Guy is making my son do better in school?”

“Ok taking that question at face value I don’t understand your shock, he is a very well respected Jonin of Konoha.”

“Fair, but” they paused for a few moments. “He isn’t exactly imparting wisdom.”

“But he is probably imparting something to Naruto.”

“Mostly the importance of faking being knocked out, but go on.”

“Anyways, I didn’t exactly mean Guy, but I won’t devalue any lessons he’s giving Naruto. I mostly meant having a parent in his life to help him out seems to be doing wonders for his grades.”

“Is this about how he keeps tricking me into doing the assignments? It’s an accident I swear he’s just so damn convincing.”

“I’m sorry, you’re doing his homework for him?”

“Not all of it, but probably a lot of it now. He got really good at making up lies about practice exams and parent sheets.”

“And you didn’t think that was particularly suspect?”

“Well no I never went to school I don’t know what is a normal assignment.”

“You never went to school?”

“No school’s for losers, I’m awesome, I can do a one handed-handstand check it out!”

“Wait you should definitely not do that ri-” he watched in horror as they crashed into some desks before he could stop them.

“I’m ok!” Rōzu did not look ok at all given their current position. “I landed on the broken arm and it absorbed most of the impact.”

“Do we need to go back to the hospital?”

“When you say “we,” do you mean me and you or the 4 yous I’m seeing?”

“Well that answers that” he started helping them up from the ground. “Come on the concussion you just got should be checked out right away.”

“Ha at least you can tell fart guy the conference went so well I had to limp home.”

“I won’t because I don’t like the connotations of that.”

“Which one?”

“I’ll just go ahead and say all of them.”

“Yeah that’s fair.” 

They leaned on him pretty heavily during the trip, hopefully he hadn’t just seen them break another limb. It took a lot longer than he would have liked to get there, he had to stop and make sure they didn’t pass out on him a handful of times. After an hour he got them to the hospital's front desk.

“Can I help you?” the receptionist gave them both a quick once over.

“Yeah I think my friend here is a little concussed, and maybe broke a leg?”

“Another street fight?” she seemed to recognize Rōzu at least.

“These parent teacher conferences are way more dangerous than I expected” through all the haze, Rōzu managed to say something to very heavily incriminate him.


	6. Fun Friday is off to a terrible start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chugga chugga choo chooo I'm gonna churn these chapters out (in between all my other shit) as fast as I damn well can.

The days following the undoubtedly second worst conference Iruka had ever had were surprisingly calm. Having learned a lesson about patience he tried to just ignore the information he was pretty sure would be coming his way. It helped that he had told his students about a test that wasn’t actually made, meaning he had to create a new test in the middle of a unit in two days. 

“Um Iruka-sensei” Sakura raised her hand for the fifth time during the test. “Question four has been repeated in five different places.”

“Just cross out all the repeats of it” he had apparently done a very bad job with it.

“Should we cross out all the repeated questions or just the repeats of question four?”

“All of them.”

“What about the questions that are technically different questions but ask the same thing?”

“How many are like that?”

“All but the first five.”

“Everyone just, pass the tests forward” this was not his proudest moment. “You all get A’s, and I guess you all can leave early since this test was all that was planned for the day.”

A crowd of children hoisted Sakura into the air as they sprinted from the room, cheering for how she’d gotten them a half day and A’s. Iruka looked at the stack of papers in his hands with a frown, no one could ever know about this mistake.

“Hey Iruka are you smoking in here?” Mizuki entered an empty classroom that had a faint smell of burning paper lingering within it.

“Nope, must be your imagination” he was leaning back in a chair gazing coldly at the ceiling.

“Follow up question, where did all the students go?”

“Home.”

“Uh huh. Why did they all go home?”

“It’s a long story, do you need something?”

“Well I guess not since apparently all the kids are supposed to be leaving.”

“Great, I’ll just be here, wallowing.”

“Man just because you have one “Parent Teacher Conference” where someone ends up in the hospital doesn’t mean you need to wallow.”

“Shockingly I’d manage to forget about that and was wallowing for a different equally shameful reason. Thank you for reminding me, now I can wallow twice as hard.”

Mizuki was a lot of things, but someone who knew how to deal with that? He was not. So he left Iruka to wallow, and wallow he did. The minutes turned to hours, and before long it was the actual time the academy classes were supposed to let out. Another ten minutes and he heard a knock at the door.

“I’m still wallowing Mizuki, please have some respect.”

“Uh, he mentioned you might be doing this, but I thought it was another one of his jokes” Rōzu had decided to just enter after knocking. “If it makes you feel better, the doctor called it the most mild concussion she’d ever seen.”

“Is that a good thing?” his wallowing was momentarily put on pause at their presence.

“I think it is, but I’m also the one who got the concussion thinking it was a good idea to do that handstand on drugs.”

“You seem a lot less on drugs currently so maybe this time you could do it without falling over?’

“I have been strictly forbidden from trying it by the doctor, but I did so anyways and can in fact do one without falling still.”

“Well that’s one burning question put to rest, thank you.”

“Oh good, I have a new one to add to the pot then.”

“Is it another vow to secrecy type thing?”

“Shockingly no! It’s just a simple question about you wanting to get some dinner?”

“Like, at all?”

“Well, ok, specifically would you want to get dinner with me? More specifically tonight?”

“Oh uh” Iruka was a little blindsided by the question. “I guess so? Is there some occasion or?”

“Like one part an apology for the whole conference fiasco, and two parts just a fun thing to do on a Friday night you know?”

“Is Naruto coming?”

“No he’s hanging out with Sasuke so I thankfully don’t have to leave him with Kakashi again.”

“He is?”

“Well, I think so? A crow spoke to my mind earlier and told me that. So either he was kidnapped or he’s with Sasuke.”

“Is there a single part of your life that is normal?”

“Hey I’m just like everyone else, I put my pants on one leg at a time.”

“Another question struck from the pile.”

“So is that a yes?” they poked two fingers together and looked at him.

“Oh right, uh yeah dinner sounds good! Maybe you can fill me in on this crow?”

“Well, it was like” they tried using their hands to approximate the bird’s size. “This big?”

“And it spoke to your mind?”

“Yeah I looked in its little bird eyes and boom, mind voice. Sounded a lot like that one guy.”

“That one guy?”

“Yeah that guy, he’s like” another approximation from them. “Yeh high?”

“A bird spoke to your mind in the voice of some nameless guy?” Iruka was growing more concerned by the moment. “And said Naruto was with Sasuke?”

“That is a good summation of what I said yes.”

“Should we go check on that?”

“Oh for sure, but first things first, is like six good for dinner or is that too early?”

“Six works fine, but we should really check on this like now” he got up from the chair and grabbed his vest.

“Yeah right right, is like sushi good or are you not a seafood guy?”

“Yes sure” he was pushing them out the door. “Whatever you want, let's go find your possibly kidnapped son now!”

“For sure for sure” they began to walk normally instead of being pushed by him. “But like, are you allergic to anything?”

“OH MY GOD WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS LITERALLY ANY TIME” Iruka was getting very stressed by their lack of urgency.

This particular mystery was solved startlingly fast for Iruka. It turned out the magic bird told the truth and Naruto was with Sasuke in the Uchiha compound. It was only when Itachi came back out with snacks for the boys that the magic bird mystery was solved.

“Oh I see you got my magic bird” he set a tray down and came over to talk to them both. 

“I knew it sounded familiar!” Rōzu turned to Iruka and pointed at Itachi. “This is that one guy I was talking about before.”

“You could have just said it sounded like Itachi, I know who he is!”

“Your name’s Itachi?”

“It is.”

“You can recognize his voice, but you don’t know his name?” Iruka could feel a blood vessel in his head come close to bursting.

“It didn’t really come up, I don’t know that other teacher's name either.”

“Ignoring this” he took a deep breath to calm down. “Itachi why did you take Naruto?”

“Sasuke informed me they had a half day, so I picked Naruto up as well instead of our plan from before” he gestured to Rōzu at the mention of a plan.

“You two had a plan?”

“I was going to pick them both up after work and then meet up with Itachi later so they could have a sleepover.”

Iruka liked to think of himself as a calm and level headed person, but that was being tested today. Resisting the urge to blow up and begin yelling he took a deep breath again.

“Could your magic bird not convey the whole of that message?” he decided to work through this list of questions.

“It probably could, yes.”

“And could you” he turned to Rōzu. “Maybe have mentioned these plans earlier before saying Naruto was possibly kidnapped?”

“I certainly could have.”

“Did the other instructor not let you know I was taking Naruto?” Itachi introduced a new part to this whole fiasco, the Mizuki factor. “He mentioned checking with you since I wasn’t supposed to be taking them then, but said it was fine after coming back.”

“No, he did not.”

“Probably cause you were wallowing, a smart guy wouldn’t disturb that deep of wallow” Rōzu sounded awfully sure of that, considering it made no sense whatsoever.

“Admittedly I was quite upset when Mizuki stopped in to talk with me.”

“Well I’d say this is a solid crisis averted, Naruto did you pack your toothbrush?”

“I did!” he yelled over from where Sasuke and him were playing.

“Then I’m good here, when should I come by tomorrow?”

“I usually take Sasuke out to train around seven, so anytime after then works. If you don’t want Naruto tagging along stop by before then.”

“It’ll mean I’ll be stuck with Guy all alone, but he deserves a week off from that.”

“Then ten or so.”

“Great, see you then!” they turned and headed out. “I can find you for dinner later I guess?”

“Uh yeah” Iruka zoned back in as they called him. “Wait do you know where I live?”

“You should stop by my place actually.”

With this vague dinner plan established Iruka and Rōzu split off. He headed back to his place and was greeted by the sight of one local fart guy.

“Ok so” before Iruka could ask him a question about what Itachi said Mizuki started talking. “I heard from Naruto’s mom that you were going to be asked for some dinner today.”

“That did happen yes, bu-”

“Dude, Naruto is staying with the Uchichas, do you know what that means!” he was now shaking Iruka slightly.

“That I’m going to eat dinner with Naruto’s mom?”

“You’re going to get” he leaned in and whispered this. “Laid.”

“Nope nuh huh” Iruka pushed him back a bit and opened his door. “That is not at all what it means.”

“Bro I had my doubts after the whole conference thing” Mizuki of course followed him. “But they asked you out for dinner, you’re so going to the bone zone!”

“Ok first of all, they did not ask me out” Iruka put air quotes around that. “They just invited me for dinner for a fun Friday.”

“And the fun part of this Friday will be?”

“NOT THAT!”

“I’m just saying if it’s me reading the signs, and it is, they all point to you and Naruto’s mom bumping uglies tonight.”

“How many different ways do you have for saying that?” Iruka was hoping he’d pick up on the annoyed tone.

“Like I’d say as many as a number you may become acquainted to later today.”

Iruka waited for the number, but realized Mizuki wanted some kind of prompting.

“What numb-”

“Sixty-nine!”

He groaned as Mizuki continued barreling through innuendos. Instead of engaging with any of them he just looked through his clothes for something more casual to wear.

“Is this what you’re planning to wear on the one way train to pound town?” Mizuki gestured to the jeans and shirt Iruka had decided on.

“No, this is what I will be wearing to dinner.”

“We said the same thing.”

“No, no we did not.”

“Listen, I know you’re not an expert in the dating scene” he took the clothes from Iruka and walked back to the dresser. “So just let your homeboy handle this.”

“First of all, rude. Secondly, it’s not a date.”

It took Mizuki all of two minutes to turn around with a new outfit. It took Iruka all of five seconds to not like it.

“No.”

“Come on! What is a better date night look than this?”

“That is just a fishnet undershirt, and a pair of jeans that were too small for me but I forgot to return.”

“I repeat, what is a better look?”

“For starters, an actual shirt maybe?’

“Compromise: you wear a vest over it?”

“We are going to a restaurant, I am not wearing that to a public place. I will be the laughingstock of.”

“I hear you, but sometimes you have to sacrifice for a good look. Being a trendsetter is about suffering now so that the world can improve later.”

“First of all, I do not think this is a good look. Secondly, no, that’s not what it is about!”

“DO YOU WANT TO ENTER FUCKTOWN POPULATION YOU OR NOT!”

“THAT WASN’T EVEN FUNNY! AND ALSO THAT IS NOT HAPPENING”

“NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE!”

Iruka was beyond the end of his rope, and Mizuki clearly had no intention of letting up. Trapped in an impossible situation, he decided to just give up. Thankfully when it came time to go to Rōzu’s it was dark enough he didn’t think anyone saw him. After knocking on the door he folded his arms over his chest and waited. 

“Wow you’re early” Rōzu opened up the door and looked at him.

There were a few moments of silence as they gave his outfit a once over. They drank in the sight of their son's teacher wearing a fishnet shirt and skinny jeans. The silence was broken by their uncontrolled laughter. Iruka made a mental note to get Mizuki back as he stood there, a little cold and incredibly embarrassed.


	7. Oh I just love dropping backstory details don't you know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pop Pop catch this weekly update! Against all odds, and instead of editing a podcast, I have written another chapter, within the same month as the last one! Please hold the applause.

“So all of your clothes were destroyed in a fire?” Rōzu had sat through his quick explanation about his outfit after returning with takeout. “But by some miracle, this is one of the only outfits that survived?”

“Yes.”

“You could have told me earlier, this didn’t have to be a today thing.”

“No that would be rude to turn down an invitation” he was hoping to really sell this lie. “And besides, what’s more fun than this outfit?”

“Wow I could feel the bile in your mouth while you said that, but hopefully some sushi, that you aren’t allergic to, will help!”

“Oh I am deathly allergic to seafood actually.”

“Shit” they looked at the two takeout boxes with despair. 

“That was a joke” he grabbed one of the containers from them. “Sorry I probably should have read the room a little better.”

“The switch from your tragic house fire story to joking about a deadly allergy is pretty dramatic” they went and grabbed some glasses and napkins. “I didn’t plan ahead for dining in, so we have water and milk.”

“I’ll take some water given the choices.”

“Smart man, the milk is kind of” they opened the carton for a whiff. “Oh no it’s extremely past expiration.”

After Rōzu grabbed drinks and Iruka cleared off the table a little, the two sat down to eat. Iruka decided to not fake an allergic reaction to the sushi even though he really wanted to. After a few minutes of eating and complete silence he realized maybe they should talk about something. He of course had no idea what to talk about. Panicking he discreetly looked around for something to use as a conversation starter.

“So that cast is pretty cool huh” he landed on that.

“It sure is keeping my bones wrapped up nicely” if they noticed how weird a thing to say that was, they didn’t let it show.

“Ah cool cool, love it when casts do that.”

“Do you often wear a cast?” luckily for him, Rōzu seemed just as bad at making conversation.

“Uh, can’t say I do, no.”

“Shame.”

“It really is.”

Another silence fell over them, this one noticeably more awkward than the first. He assumed it would be incredibly rude to try and interrogate them during fun Friday, but he literally had no idea what else to talk about. At the sound of some crinkling he slyly peeked over at them again. They were, with some discretion, reading a piece of paper off the side of the table.

“So do you come here often?” as they said this, he knew they were reading off the paper.

“By here you mean your home?”

“I uh” their eyes flicked back down. “I meant uh, do you have any pets?”

“No can’t say I do.”

“Uh huh, so they um, you probably couldn’t tell me names of these pets then.”

“No I couldn’t.”

“How should success be measured? And uh, by that measurement who is the most successful person you know?”

“Who gave you this list?”

“I asked Kakashi and he gave me a book titled ‘250 Quality Conversation Starters’ so I just tore a page out of it without looking it over.”

“Wow” he may be only one step above doing that, but he was still above it. “We really don’t know how to do this huh.”

“It’s very difficult not talking to you about like, Naruto or murder or secrets, like, what are people supposed to talk about if not those three things?”

“We could always talk about the Game?”

“Oh god right, the big Game. How could I forget about it.”

“I’m a big fan of the Left team, what about you?”

“I’m partial to the Right team, but try not to get too invested since they do suck.”

“True ever since they lost that one Good Player, it’s been all downhill for the Right team.”

“I know! Like it’s so hard to root for a team that loses the Game so often.”

“But root we must because who doesn’t love the Game?”

“Gosh I hope nobody! I sure love watching and rooting for the Game!”

“Me too!”

The two broke down into laughter after that, Iruka had never met someone else so adept at faking knowing things about a sport. He of course was now out of conversation options that weren’t about Naruto, murder or secrets, so he just tried to ride out the laughing for as long as possible.

“Ok I think” they were still somewhat laughing. “We should stop laughing now it’s been like three minutes.”

“Yeah that’s probably” he wound his fake laughing down. “A good call.”

“Should we just talk about Naruto?” Rōzu seemed out of things to fill the air with.

“I could try and fill you in on his school work, and maybe this time we won't make a trip to the hospital?”

“Well, no guarantees I’m only completely sober so anything could happen.”

“Do you have questions about how he’s doing in school?”

“Uh yeah totally, like uh, how are his grades?” they raised an eyebrow while saying the word.

“They are kind of bad, they are improving though, but overall very bad.”

“Well maybe I can help him with whatever he’s struggling with in the school, like uh, math?”

“We don’t actually teach math at the academy.”

“Well I wasted money on like two books, but um, what does he learn there exactly?’

“It’s mostly history lessons and tactical stuff, we also teach them to do a lot of basic taijutsu and other training. We have them learn ninjutsu in the last year.”

“Wow that’s, huh” they seemed at a loss for words. 

“What did you think we taught the kids exactly?”

“Again, not entirely sure since I never went to school, but like, the kid I used to watch was tutored in like math, science, geography and things like that. I just kind of forgot that the whole train children to be ninjas thing was your whole deal.”

“There’s the civilian school, for the kids who don’t want to be ninjas, which is kind of what I assumed you went to.”

“Nope, I was a cool kid and didn’t go to school.”

“But you were for some reason left in charge of a kid who did?”

“What no! I wouldn’t watch some lame kid who went to school, she just had a private tutor.”

“Not to derail this, but could you like, give me a little more details on that?” Iruka had tried to resist but they were tempting him with this juicy info now.

“The school stuff or the kid stuff?”

“Both?”

“Well, hm” they scratched the back of their head in thought. “I dunno I didn’t really need to get formal training to become a ninja. My family technically immigrated to Yukigakure from the land of water before I was born, and my parents were ninja there.”

“Ok so like, I now have a hundred more questions” Iruka wished he’d brought a pen and paper to fun Friday now.

“Well please keep them in your skinny jeans for now I still have to finish answering the first one!”

“They are not, fine whatever” he didn’t want to derail them while they were willingly handing over info.

“So anyways, my parents decided to just teach me some basics, I think my dad was from a clan or something? He didn’t really get too far into it before some other things happened. Anyways, instead of going to school I just had to take the genin exam they had and aced it because I’m very cool, hold the applause. It was incredibly boring for like, I dunno three years? I got promoted to a chunnin, and then got the ‘mission of a lifetime’ babysitting some kid.”

“You’re a chunnin?” Iruka sat up a little straighter, to display chuunin dominance.

“Oh uh no I got moved to a special division once I started being a babysitter. Sort of like the Anbu here but like, so much lamer.”

“Uh uh” he slouched a little again, upset that he apparently was outranked here. “Did you defect then? Since you’re very noticeably not there currently.”

“That’s kind of complicated? Depending on who you ask I am a defector yes, personally I don’t see it that way.”

“And how do you see it?”

“I am loyal, well, I was loyal to the real ruler of the land of snow. I’m sure if he was still alive he would be fairly annoyed with me for being here and not elsewhere though.”

“So you’re saying” Iruka was a little lost overall, but could piece enough of it together. “You’re a servant of the land of snow’s damiyo?”

“I was, he then died and gave me a final mission, which I have since been kicked off of.”

“By who?”

“That’s not too important really.”

“It feels very important.”

“Fine, he asked me to keep his daughter safe, which I initially kind of failed to do, so big shout out to Kakashi for saving my ass there. After a good few years of traveling around to keep her safe she decided I was ‘Too over protective’ and ‘Using my dead dad as an excuse to ruin her life’ both of which were true.”

“Alright, Rōzu.”

“Yes?”

“When you started this story, could you not have just skipped to the part where you were tasked with protecting the daughter of a damiyo?”

“I certainly could have, but then you’d ask about the rest of the details leading up to it.”

“Ok that is fair” he was very nosy. “But why exactly are you here then?”

“Because I was fired, did you even listen to my story?”

“How can you be fired from that? Why didn’t you just ignore her and stick around?”

“Oh I did, we got into a very big fight, and the best course of action was for me to split off.”

“Why?”

“Ok look, I’ve already told you way too much, so I can’t spill all the beans about this. Nothing against you, but this is kind of a big secret.”

“Well, when you put it like that” he could see how information about a land’s surviving princess would be quite confidential. “I see your point.”

“Good, now I do have to threaten you into secrecy because if my literal life mission is jeopardized I will kill you.”

“Who would I even tell!” he did not appreciate the threat.

“I don’t know? Someone! So just don’t tell anyone!”

“I won’t!”

“Good!”

For a third time in one evening a silence fell over them. Iruka tried to process everything they’d just shared. He was glad to get it all upfront, but admittedly it was a lot more than he’d expected. One thing stuck out in particular as very odd.

“Wait, why did you shout out Kakashi?’ what role could he play in all this.

“That is a pretty long story, so do you really want that part right now?” they didn’t seem particularly unwilling to share it.

“I’m already this deep into your secret past life, might as well go all the way right?” he of course didn’t think that sentence through.

“Wow one fun Friday and you’re already asking about going all the way?” they raised an eyebrow at him. “Maybe slow your roll a bit there.”

“What?” it now dawned on him what he’d said. “No I didn’t mean, like just, you know all the way with your story. Not with you.”

“Well don’t worry, with phrasing like that you’re not hitting any bases today.”

“I DIDN’T WANT TO HIT ANY OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!” the earlier comments from Mizuki had put him at an edge that this discussion was now trying to kick him off.

“Well now my feelings are a little hurt so the bases have been withdrawn from the table.”

“Wait, were they on the table in the first place?” he could not believe Mizuki might have been right.

“That is another secret for me to know and not tell you, and if you’d like the rest of the story I’ll require some drinks now.”

“What, but, I can’t go outside like this!” he stood up to show his outfit once more, earning a snort of laughter from them.

“God it literally gets funnier every time I see it” they stood up and opened a closet. “I can give you a jacket, it might be a bit small, but it will cover more of you at least.”

“Why not offer this earlier?” he would have gladly taken it.

“Must have slipped my mind” they offered a half-hearted shrug along with the jacket. 

“Sure” he quickly slipped it on, he couldn’t close it all the way but it covered enough he was willing to go out. 

Now that he was slightly more covered up he didn’t need to creep through the alleyways of the village. It only took a few minutes to get to a liquor store, which was one of the many he now realized filled the village. Unexpectedly he ran into a familiar face, well, eyeball.

“Oh hey” Kakashi was also waiting in line for the checkout.

“I see you’re also having a fun Friday” Iruka gestured to his basket of drinks.

“Oh is that what we’re calling drinking alone and crying these days?” the single tone he spoke it in gave away nothing to Iruka.

“No I meant like, I was invited to a fun Friday?” he was now very out of his depths.

“Oh, good for you.”

Iruka wasn’t sure what to do in this situation, but he felt like he should say something. A flash of insight gave him exactly the right thing to say.

“Do you have any pets?” this flash of insight was just something Rōzu had said earlier.

“Oh nice you also read ‘250 Quality Conversation Starters’ I’m partial to number one hundred sixty-seven. What is the strangest themed restaurant you’ve heard of?”

“Haha yup, I love that book” he had forgotten of course that he’d given it to them. “So what are you actually up to tonight?”

“Oh crying and drinking alone.”

“Ah” Iruka had thought that was some kind of dark humor thing. “Sure sounds like fun.”

“Only on Fridays.”

“Next please” the clerk called Kakashi forward.

Iruka just waited silently while he was rung up. He had very clearly messed up that social interaction and couldn’t think of a good way to salvage it. A real flash of inspiration came to him as Kakashi was finished at the register.

“Would you rather come to fun Friday?” he decided to extend an invite. “Instead of you know, your other plans.”

“Hm” Kakashi grabbed his bag. “Sure, I can always just fit in my usual plans later in the night.”

“Great!”

“Sir can you please put you items on the counter, there are others in line” the clerk was now speaking to Iruka.

“Oh yes sorry” he hurriedly followed her instructions.

Kakashi waited with him while the clerk rung him up. Once he paid they left together and headed back to Rōzu’s place. It was only as he got there he realized it might be very rude to invite Kakashi to someone else’s place. Ignoring that thought he knocked on the door.

“Oh nice your back” they opened it up and looked at the two of them.

“I ran into Kakashi and decided to invite him if that’s fine?” he grimaced internally.

“Wow you canceled your other plans for Iruka and not me?” they pouted at him.

“Sorry but I can only cancel crying alone drunk for a fellow leaf ninja” Kakashi headed inside with that.

“You invited Kakashi?” Iruka didn’t expect that.

“Yea I asked him first since I saw him earlier in the day” Rōzu shut the door as he came in as well.

“Wait was I only invited because he said no?”

“What? Psh, no way.”

“I am unconvinced.”

“Oh nice milk” Kakashi saw the carton that had been left out earlier.

“Don’t drink that!” they ran over to take it away from him.

Iruka realized he had probably postponed hearing anymore about Rōzu’s past, but for a half second he heard something in Kakashi’s voice.

“But I love milk” it was very slight, but Iruka was sure of it.

The three of them drank and had a mix of terribly awkward as well as somehow decent conversation. As the night dragged on and the drinks kept being poured he saw a side of Kakashi he’d never expected to see. The two of them also saw a side of Iruka they didn’t expect, as he drank far too much too fast. 

“I’d say this counts as a net good fun Friday” Rōzu was sitting in the bathtub while he puked into the toilet. 

“Agreed” Kakashi was playing with the sink.

Iruka weakly gave them both a thumbs up. He’d be sure to reign it in if they ever did another of one of these.


	8. For my next trick: *Throws a smoke bomb and is suddenly dead when the smoke clears*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again!!! Thankfully this week I had no podcast to edit or game to make! I may or may not share the game since it is Naruto themed, maybe once this campaign I'm running of it ends and I can fine tune it! That tidbit aside, enjoy the chapter!

After the events of fun Friday Iruka had admittedly avoided two of his three friends out of shame. The third friend had gotten too annoying for him to ignore over the course of the week. As they watched the students mill about outside for lunch Mizuki moved his chair to the other side of the desk and assumed a pose Iruka had learned to hate.

“Please tell me what happened” his tone had only grown more irritating the hundredth time.

“No idea what you mean” Iruka leaned back in his chair while eating some meat he’d skewered.

“Come on please! If you got some because of my outfit selection I earned the right to know!”

“Doesn’t really ring any bells with me.”

“Just tell me if you made it to Bone city population two please bro?”

“Only two?”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY TWO?” Mizuki slammed his hands down on the desk. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

“Beats me.”

“I KNOW FOR A FACT IT DOES NOT!”

He had started taking a kind of sadistic pleasure in withholding the information. Given how badly Mizuki wanted to know and how he was reacting Iruka had decided to hold off on a real prank. 

“I’d tell you if you helped me score” he sat back in the chair and pouted now. “Like any upstanding bro would.”

“Oh is that all you wanted to know?” he instantly leaned forward again. “You were right, that pachinko machine by the ice cream shop is like really easy to win so I scored a free double scoop.”

“GODDAMMIT!” he stood up so fast the chair got thrown over. 

“While you’re up can you tell the students to start heading back inside.”

“You’re the worst person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing” he sulked off towards the door.

“Love you too buddy.”

The rest of the day passed without too much fuss. Mizuki would throw him mean looks whenever he could discreetly do so. When it came time for the students to head home he took up his new position just out of view so Rōzu wouldn’t be able to spot him. He could acknowledge it wasn’t the mature way to act following vomiting in their home, but he did not care.

“He’s over here!” Iruka panicked as Choji pointed at him and shouted this to someone out of his view.

“Ah nice, thanks kid” Rōzu gave him a fist bump and walked over to Iruka, throwing finger guns his way. 

It did not escape Iruka’s attention that Mizuki had done a full turn to watch what was about to unfold. This would be the last day he did not prepare a log to swap with for every day of school.

“So listen, no sweat about what happened on Friday” as they said this Mizuki dove into a bush right next to them. “I mean seriously it happens to loads of people. Gosh I remember the first time I was with two people guzzlin-”

“SO ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE!” Iruka loudly stopped them at probably the worst part of the sentence. 

“Oh shit right, like I said no sweat about that, but uh, what kinda moves have you guys taught Naruto?”

“Moves?” 

“Yeah like, I know you mentioned you didn’t really teach something till the last year? I definitely forgot cause boy did we get smashed after that talk.”

“Oh uh” he watched the bush Mizuki was in shake as the furious sound of a pen on paper could be heard. “Yeah we don’t teach them ninjutsu till then.”

“Ah so like, he’s got no school moves?”

“Still not sure what you mean by moves, but no we haven’t covered any jutsu with him.”

“Ah gotcha gotcha, now like” he didn’t like where this question was going. “If you got suckered into teaching him some moves, what would you teach him?”

“Did you get suckered into teaching him some moves?”

“Yeah apparently Itachi teaches Sasuke cool moves, such as shooting fireballs? So like, is that a good one?”

“Uh” Iruka paused at that, he knew the Uchiha had their own methods, but that seemed very odd. “No probably not?”

“Cool cool cool, what about like, I dunno, a Water Clone?” Rōzu gave him an odd multi-shrug.

“Definitely no, he still hasn't learned the basic clone technique.”

“Right right right, uh, what about, Snow beast assault? That seems pretty basic?”

“What? No! Well, ok I honestly have no idea what that jutsu is, but we don’t really have snow here.”

“Yeah I’ve noticed and pretty much all of my moves use snow. So I’m a little low on moves to teach him. Could you maybe help me?”

“I already am his teacher; I don’t really have too many other things I can show him” Iruka felt a little weird about giving Naruto outside of school help.

“Please I have backed myself into a corner here!” they got uncomfortably close to him. “I can offer you like literally anything you want in return for help please!”

“I-” he put his hands up to try and ward them off and say no again, before a disaster occured.

“HE’LL DO IT!” Mizuki leapt from the bush and stood by his side. “After all, what kind of teacher turns down a student who wants to learn more? Or his parent who is literally begging for him?”

“That’s not” Iruka did not like the way he said that. “It’s not exactly right for me to offer him extra lessons and no other student.”

“Says who?”

“Our contracts.”

“Ok well what if instead you came to show me a move or two and then supervise while I teach him it?” Rōzu tried to find a loophole here.

“Boom our contracts don’t mention anything about us teachers assisting a parent do they?” Mizuki ganged up on him.

“Oh my god fine, I will help you and supervise as you show Naruto” he would never be able to give a seminar on resisting peer pressure again. “But just this one time!”

“Yes oh my god thank you so much!” Rōzu pulled him into a quick hug, making him groan as Mizuki flashed him two thumbs up. “You are literally a life saver right now.”

“Does that count if I hang myself later” he grumbled this, knowing Mizuki was only going to get more annoying now.

“Is there like a sign out sheet for training grounds or something? Should I just bring him here later or what?”

“Just meet me here in an hour or so” Iruka didn’t feel like showing them the sign out sheets today. 

“Alright, again, thank you so so much!” with that they rushed off to grab Naruto and head off.

“DUDE” Mizuki grabbed him by the shoulders the second they were out of sight. “GUZZLING? YOU GUZZLED SOMETHING?”

“I really need more friends” he tried to wrap up the rest of his duties for the day while Mizuki continued yelling things like that.

“Like literally anything, bro” Mizuki grabbed him again. “That means literally only one things ever!”

“If you say sex I’l-”

“IT’S SEX DUDE!”

“Of course it is.”

“And like what’s better than this dynamic huh?” Mizuki moved behind him and put his arms over Iruka’s while he tried to finish filing some papers. “When they mess up on the hand seals you guide them through it like this and boom. Straight shot to bone town.”

“Mizuki.”

“Yes?”

“Please let me go.”

“I dunno man, I think you could use some hands on guiding for filing these papers.”

“If” he couldn’t make it through the full sentence without a sigh. “I play along, will you help me get this work finished up?”

“Yeah.”

That final hour of work would somehow take the cake for the worst hour of his life. He made a note to apologize to his parents headstone later, but being “guided” through how to file papers and clean a class room made him want to die. Whatever higher power existed took pity on him, as Rōzu and Naruto showed up ten minutes early.

“Go get em tiger” Mizuki gave him a hard pat on the back.

“I will be late tomorrow as I’ll be drinking to forget all of this” Iruka took a deep breath to prepare for the Uzumakis before heading outside.

“Ugh Iruka is showing me a move?” Naruto seemed very unhappy about that. “You said it was someone who knew tons of cool moves!”

“And I’m sure Iruka does!” Rōzu had swapped into their workout outfit, something he knew Mizuki would bring up the next day. 

“I am a chuunin Naruto, they don’t give just anyone these vests you know.”

“Fine, what move are you gonna show us?”

“The clone technique.”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Naruto was clearly very happy to hear that.

“It is a fundamental technique that all ninja should know!”

“It’s lame! Sasuke’s learning the Fireball jutsu!”

“Well I’m sorry he’s learning that from his brother and not me!”

“Ok how about” Rōzu stepped between them both. “We do the clone one and then a cool one?”

“What’s the cool one going to be, I want to know before making any kind of deal, otherwise it’s entrapment.”

“Where did you learn that?” Iruka was surprised by his sudden, but correct, outburst.

“Mom.”

“Why?”

“I like my boy to be prepared in any kind of deal scenario.”

“Uh huh, well, the cool one will be, uh” Iruka didn’t actually have too many jutsu, and none that Naruto would find cool.

“The Waterball jutsu!” Rōzu threw a technique name out. “Which will be super cool since it beats the Fireball jutsu.”

“Hm” Naruto pondered this while Iruka gave them a panicked look. “Acceptable.”

“Of course, you might not be able to get the clone technique down in one day” Iruka tried to cover this now since he really didn’t want to help Naruto learn a technique that was actually dangerous. “So the Waterball one might come another day.”

“Fine, but I wanna see it today at least.”

“Yeah of course sure thing no problem” Iruka really hoped Rōzu knew that jutsu, since he didn’t. “But for now, the floor is Iruka’s.”

“The clone technique is one of the most basic techniques out there” Iruka quickly flashed through the three handseals for it as two more of him appeared. “The clones aren’t tangible, so it’s mostly used for distractions.”

“This seems really easy, the Waterball jutsu will be mine today!” Naruto poorly went through the handseals and created a poof of smoke.

“I’m not so sure about that” Iruka looked at the one Naruto that was there after the smoke cleared. “Ok, I’m going to show Rōzu how to do it now, then you can learn from them.”

“Fine whatever I wasn’t even trying that time” Naruto sat down and sulked over his failure.

“Don’t sweat it kid, not everyone is a natural genius like me” Rōzu also went through the handseals and made a cloud of smoke.

“Well, genius might not be the right word” he looked at the part of a clone they produced. “How’d you get it to only make feet?”

“I wasn't even really trying so this is like a really good result” they tried to save face in a very familiar way. 

“Just, watch me again” he went through the three seals slower this time. “Ram, snake, tiger.”

“Raaaaaam, snake, tiger” they followed along after him.

“Good, now just put some chakra into it.”

“Right, just gotta put chakra into it” they stuck out their tongue a little in concentration and went through the seals again.

“Well” Iruka looked at the floating arm they made this time. “It’s an improvement I guess?’

“Listen it’s been awhile, save your judgements ok!” they tried again.

“Two feet this time, keep it up mom!” Naruto was surprisingly encouraging as he said that.

After forty more attempts they had managed to produce the entire lower body of a clone. Iruka was finding it increasingly harder to believe they were once a higher ranked ninja than him.

“Are you putting enough chakra into it?”

“I am putting an amount of chakra into it.”

“Have you tried putting in more?”

“You know, I hadn’t thought of that” they gave him a quick glare before being obscured by smoke.

“That was actually worse than the last attempt” he looked at the knees they produced.

“Listen, this is much harder than it looks!”

His only reply was to create two clones of himself once again and look them in the eyes.

“Ok well, shut up.”

He rolled his eyes as they grumbled at him. He couldn’t believe they’d spun him some stupid story about being a body guard to a princess and he’d eaten it up. Thanks to his sudden cynical spiral he failed to notice the two extra handseals they did before the clone jutsu. As they were engulfed by a much larger cloud he paid attention once again.

“There we go” they were surrounded by five copies of themself. “Damn, does this shirt really have a stain on the back?’

Iruka blinked in surprise. As the various clones of them goofed around in front of him he tried to figure out what could have changed between these attempts. As they turned to say something to Naruto he noticed some black marks that began to fade by their right shoulder.

“See easy peasy, I just messed it up so you won’t feel embarrassed.”

“Well I only messed up so you wouldn’t look dumb messing up” Naruto hopped up to his feet. “I bet I can do it in like five tries.”

Iruka watched Rōzu help Naruto with the jutsu. Those marks didn’t show up again while they worked with him, but he didn’t take his eyes off them. It took him close to a hundred tries before he managed to make a full clone. Of course this clone looked dead and couldn’t move. 

“That so counts!” Naruto pointed at the clone. “It’s a full clone!”

“Naruto, my baby boy, my sweet child” Rōzu pressed their hands together. “I don’t think a clone like that would do shit for you in any situation.”

“Ugh you just don’t wanna teach me the Waterball jutsu so you’re making excuses” Naruto folded his arms indignantly. “I bet you can’t even do it!”

“Uh first of all, we had a deal and secondly” they held the tiger seal for a moment before blasting a large ball of water into a nearby tree. 

Iruka just kept staring. Whatever issues they’d had with chakra before had clearly ended, and he was sure it was related to that mark. 

“I feel we should probably call it day for now, Iruka probably has other stuff to do right?’ Rōzu said this while Naruto furiously kept trying to make a living clone behind them.

“No way!” he was surrounded by more smoke. “I gotta get my hands on that move!”

“I think your mom’s right Naruto, you probably shouldn’t try and make clones this many times in an hour.”

“I can so keep going watch this!” he tried it once again and made an even larger cloud, as it faded there were now two Narutos face down on the ground.

“Well, it is more convincing when you do it that way” Rōzu’s hand phased through one of them.

“This is generally why we hold off on teaching them ninjutsu” Iruka moved to help them grab the real Naruto but Rōzu picked him up surprisingly easily. “Well you seem like you’re more than fine after all that.”

“Oh uh, yep, totally fine!”

“After all that struggling to make some legs, but you really good at the Waterball jutsu it seems.”

“I mean, really good might be a stretch, I’d say pretty good for sure though.”

“So I can assume you were just pulling my leg before?” he let his annoyance slip into his tone. “Did you have a good laugh?”

“Maybe tone it down a little there bucko, I just had my limiter on still.”

“Your limiter?”

“Yea, so no sensory types can find me by my chakra, they make me weaker though. Gonna be a real pain in the ass to put this one back on though.”

“Why didn’t you just take it off to begin with?”

“Because I am vain and didn’t think I’d need to, but apparently they are very good at making me weak.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah why would I lie about this?”

“I’m really just used to you lying to me about literally everything.”

“Well that’s not fair, I didn’t lie about everything, I just didn’t share before.”

“That is like the most technical of technicalities and you know it.”

“Yeah well, shut up. I still don’t know anymore about Naruto’s family and aside from Kakashi you’re the only person here I actually kind of trust.”

That made Iruka stop in his tracks, both figuratively and literally. Considering all he’d really done for them was lie about Naruto being a Jinchūriki, it felt odd to hear them say that.

“Thank you.”

“Oh shut up” this got him to stop once again. “I just said I trust you, don’t think I’m falling in love with you or anything corny like that. ‘Thank you,’ what a lame thing to say.”

He decided to let them head off alone after that, partially because he felt offended from what they said, and because he felt bad. Against all odds they had actually opened up to him, and he wasn’t even willing to tell them probably the most important thing about Naruto that he knew. It left a sour taste in his mouth. He’d already been planning to drink today, but maybe he would get a few extra for the guilt.


	9. VIN-DI-CATION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This may be one of the last chapters that gets uploaded on here with all the stuff going on with the AO3 moderation and what not, I will be keeping it updated on FanFiction.net and maybe somewhere else if I find another site that I don't mind using, just a heads up to ya'll.

“Hey you” a voice calling after him made Iruka stop in his tracks. “You’re uh, Iruka? Right?”

“That’s” he turned around to face the origin of the voice, and froze in place.

Standing before him was none other than the Jiraya of the Sannin. Not a single citizen of the Leaf village would fail to recognize this legendary shinobi, and he was looking for Iruka?

“That’s?” Jiraya tried to wave him on to finish the sentence.

“YUP” he decided to go for a shorter answer. 

“Uh huh, I see what’s going on” Jiraya held a hand up towards him and smirked. “It is I, the Great Jiraya! Great Sage of the Toads and master to the fourth Hokage. Please hold all autograph requests til the end.”

“And you’re looking for me?” the man's theatrics helped knock Iruka out of his stupor.

“That’s right! I hear you’re the goto guy for a very specific topic I happen to be researching.”

“What exactly is this topic?” Iruka wasn’t particularly knowledgeable in any field of study.

  
“This is quite confidential, follow me” Jiraya led him into a nearby alleyway and pulled him in close. “Naruto’s mother.”

Iruka of course also knew about Jiraya’s other, much more infamous, title. He didn’t particularly feel comfortable discussing things about his friend with a man known as The Legendary Perv.

“I think you’ve got the wrong person here, and um” he tried to think of a good excuse to leave. “I have to go take a student out of the oven.”

His excuse might have made absolutely no sense, but luckily it dazed Jiraya enough to hear those words he could slip away. As he heard the footsteps coming after him he decided to power walk to avoid any further awkward conversation.

“Fuck this” the swear prefaced the sound of a large explosion before an equally large toad was now behind him. “Grab him!”

Given how this had gone from a harmless chase to a giant toad trying to grab him with its tongue, he decided to break into a full run. He felt bad for the shop owners and various civilians who wanted to have a normal afternoon, but were now instead collateral damage in this chase.

“STOP FUCKING RUNNING” Jiraya was quite fed up with his antics and refusal to comply.

“STOP FUCKING ATTACKING ME THEN!” Iruka was much more fed up with his antics.

Sadly this chase could not go on forever. Iruka prided himself as a skilled chuunin, but as strange as he was, Jiraya was a sannin. This difference in their skill levels is how he found himself tied to a tree by a toads tongue.

“Ok, now that you are secured” Jiraya pulled out a small notebook. “How did Naruto acquire a new mother? Did he attempt human transmutation?”

“Did he what?”

“I’ll put that as a tentative no for now. How did this new mom of his show up here?’

“Wait, these aren’t some of your research questions, their just normal questions?”

“Ok I take great offense to that, but yes these are normal questions.”

“I see, I may have jumped to a conclusion early and this whole situation could have probably been avoided.”

“I will not be untying you, please answer the question.”

“Well, from what I understand, they sort of showed one day and ran into Naruto?” Iruka was trying to remember Naruto’s explanation of the events, but that was some time ago now. “And there was some lying involved and then they adopted him?”

“That sounds like utter bullshit.”

“Listen, I said the same thing, but no. The Hokage just filled out all the papers himself and showed them to me.”

“What the hell! Why didn’t he just show me the papers then?”

“Did you ask for them?”

“That is besides the point. Next question, where the hell are they from? Are they even a citizen here?”

“Uh, yes the Hokage also granted them citizenship. They seem pretty insistent about being from the Land of Snow?”

“How insistent?”

“They had a very elaborate backstory related to it so I’m inclined to believe they’re from there.”

“Hm ok ok. Do they know about Naruto’s little uh, his you know, you know?”

“Uh?” Iruka wasn’t really sure what that meant.

“You know? His little uh, belly buddy?”

“Belly buddy?”

“Yeah. That sure is what I said.”

“Do you mean the fox demon?”

“Yep, as we sannin call it, the belly buddy.”

“Uh huh” Iruka decided he would try and get promoted to jonin seeing how Jiraya had managed to become a sannin. “They definitely have no idea about his belly buddy.”

“Did they mention anything about his birth parents?”

“They are trying to find out more about them? As of right now though I think they know nothing?”

“So why the hell did this random person adopt Naruto?”

“I really wish you were here like three months ago, because no one else understood how confused I was about this then.”

“Is everyone just cool with this? Like no one said ‘Hey maybe we shouldn’t let a stranger be in charge of Naruto?’ no one at all?”

“I DID! I SAID THAT!”

“Well thank you for being the voice of reason here!” Jiraya had the toad release him finally. “I’ve been out here pulling my hair trying to piece together what kind of black ops mission they must be on to steal Naruto. Only to find out their just a fucking random asshole.”

“They did at one point mention a secret lair, it was kind of a joke but then again it could have been a trick.”

“It’s always a trick! I joke about my secret base all the time! Why? So no one thinks I actually have one!”

The two of them spiraled out of control making more and more inane conspiracies about Rōzu’s true motive for adopting Naruto. They threw any and all ideas onto the notepad as valid possibilities.

“Ok so once they’ve won over Naruto they get him to steal the Scroll of Seals” Jiraya was reading their finalized version. “From there they use the scroll to bargain with the Stone village who hate the Leaf village. Once they’ve gained safe passage there they double cross the Stone village by revealing their actually from the Cloud village. Thus the Cloud village has three jinchuriki and come the next war they defeat everyone!”

“It’s the perfect crime, but they’re not getting away with it anymore!” Iruka felt so validated having Jiraya here.

“Come on” he summoned another toad and hopped on its back. “We have to warn the Hokage immediately!”

This afternoon had started in a very strange way for Iruka, but he no longer cared. He was riding a toad towards the Hokage tower to unmask a massive conspiracy and save the village with Jiraya. It couldn’t get much better than that.

“WHAT THE FUCK” the Hokage jumped out of his chair as their toad crashed through his window.

“SENSEI WE HAVE GRAVE NEWS” Jiraya sprung to his feet and pulled out the notebook. “Naruto’s new “mom” is actually a triple agent!”

“What?”

“Trust us trust us!” he pulled Iruka over. “We can give you the rundown of the whole thing right now!”

“Iruka, is this true?” the Hokage clearly wasn’t too sure what was going on.

“Sir it is frightfully true.”

“Ok, I’ll humor you, you get five minutes to give me the rundown.”

The two began their massive production of the truth. It took them a full half hour to run through every point and give the entire explanation. The Hokage just sat and watched throughout all of it right till the end.

“So you see the truth now right?” Jiraya was gesturing to the murder board he’d created on the wall.

“I see” he pushed the button on his desk and leaned towards the speaker. “Rōzu could you come in here please.”

“What’s up boss?” they opened the door and came in.

“I’d like to introduce you to someone” he pointed at Jiraya and walked to the door. “This is Jiraya, my former pupil and Naruto’s deadbeat godfather. I’ll see you Monday.”

Hiruzen had had a long day, Jiraya had left after hearing one sentence of his update from the village and had not given him any information from his spies. That alone could be forgiven. As he walked past the other workers and wished them a good weekend over the sounds of screaming and property damage that would be a Monday issue, he felt good.

“Um sir” one of the ANBU stationed at the tower stopped him. “Should anyone tr-”

“No, no one should try and stop what’s happening in my office” he gave the woman a pat on the shoulder and headed home.

Back in the office, Iruka was cowering under the Hokage’s desk. The moment the Hokage locked the door behind him things went to hell. The toad they’d ridden there poofed away from fear as they pointed at Jiraya and just yelled “YOU.” He was jealous the toad could do that. Somewhere above him he heard ringing and quickly snatched it up hoping help was on the way.

“Hello? Hokage’s office, um, help please.”

“Ah good Iruka, could you please put me on speaker” it was the Hokage calling.

“Yes sir” he peeked up from his hiding spot and hit the speaker button.

“I forgot to mention as I left Rōzu, Jiraya’s main job is writing porn books. He on numerous occasions has left one of these books here for Naruto’s eighteenth birthday.”

Iruka really hoped he was done with that sentence. Rōzu had run out of non-desk items to hit Jiraya with, and decided to use the desk.

“YOU NO GOOD” he watched a Jiraya shaped hole get put in the desk and winced. “DEADBEAT PERVERTED PIECE OF TRASH!”

As they hit him with it for a third time there was not enough of the desk left to use as a weapon. Jiraya was somehow still alive to his credit, Iruka had to admit it was very impressive. With nothing left to hurt Jiraya with and not directly touch him Rōzu seemed to have calmed down.

“No thank you sir I’ll take the check now” Jiraya weakly said this while holding up a hand.

“I think uh” Iruka went for the door. “I’ll just, you know, be on my way?”

“Oh not so fast you” they held the door shut. “Since I’ve already got you here, I need help planning a birthday party. We have about three weeks.”

“Oh thank god” Iruka was just glad to not get some of the runoff violence that was meant for Jiraya. “I can tell you who’s parents to check with for invites?”

“Ok that’s good, and then we gotta think of a venue, I’m making this guy pay for it on the grounds that he abandoned Naruto.”

“I won’t even be here then” Jiraya had recovered enough to talk normally.

“Oh you better be, or so help me I will end you” Rōzu pulled him up from the floor by his kimono.

“I could probably uh” Jiraya started to visibly sweat. “Yeah I uh, I can make it.”

“Good. Follow up question, what’s with the pictures of me on the wall?”

“That is, uh” Iruka wracked his brain to think up a good explanation for the murder board. “Well, very hard to explain.”

“I see a picture of me, though I am unaware how or when it was taken, with a big scroll drawn into my hands? Am I also breathing fire a little bit? Is this a drawing of my secret lair?”

“Imagine the worst case scenario for why this is all up there” Iruka figured this would be easier than actually explaining.

“You’ve realized how incredibly cool I am, and were trying to requisition the Hokage for funds to build me a secret lair?”

“I said the worst.”

“I just wanted to imagine a world where my close friend tries to get me a secret lair; instead of trying to predict some fake evil scheme I’m not doing.”

“I’m impressed you got it in one, and a little ashamed it was that easy to guess.”

“But where are the pictures from? I’ll let you know right now there is a wrong answer to this question.”

He looked at Rōzu. Behind them Jiraya was frantically signaling him, conveying a sense of urgency he’d never seen before. He hadn’t really stopped to consider where Jiraya had got the photos. It was that thought that led to the words to just flow from his mouth.

“Jiraya had them?”

Rōzu turned to look at him, arms folded and lips pressed into a line. Jiraya didn’t offer any reply and only stood there with his hand pressed to his forehead. 

“So I feel like a bigger training ground would be good for a classic outdoor party right?” they held the door out of the tower open for him.

“Uh yeah that would be the easiest I think” Iruka tried not to look at Jiraya as they left.

“Great, I can fill out some paperwork for it next time I’m in for work” Rōzu went over to the suspended Jiraya and put some papers on him. “If you’re late I’ll literally kill you. Oh and don’t forget to bring an appropriate gift for a seven year old!”

He grumbled out a reply, a hand still firmly pressed to his forehead while he gave Iruka a disappointed look. Iruka felt bad for a moment, and then remembered it was just his own fault. 

“And I’m just spitballing here, but like my birthday is only two months away, and a secret base would be a really thoughtful gift.”

“You’ll have to take that one up with your evil scheme supervisor” Iruka could feel this wouldn’t be dropped for a very long time.


	10. TLDR my body now baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've honestly got like, no idea how long this is gonna be in total at this point. It might get split into two stories for time skip convenience? Idk if that'd make more sense than just keeping it all in one but I'll figure that out later. For now enjoy this chapter!

It had taken him most of the week, but Iruka now had a list of parents he was pretty sure would let their kids come to the party. Convincing people got startlingly easy once they learned that Itachi was going to bring Sasuke and for some reason the Hyuugas would be attending. He really hoped that meant just Hinata and her parents and not the whole clan, but wasn’t too sure. All in all, he was quite pleased with the list he was delivering to Rōzu.

“Hokage’s office, how can I help you?” a distinctly non-Rōzu secretary greeted him.

“Oh um” he hadn’t prepared for this outcome. “I was actually looking for the other secretary?”

“Out sick, any business for the Hokage?”

“Uh, I mean, no?”

“Have a nice day then” she pointed to the door.

“Right” following her very curt directions, he left..

Not too sure where else they could be, and with only so much time for his lunch break, he stopped by the Uzumaki residence. A few moments after he knocked the door cracked open slightly and Rōzu peaked out at him.

“Good it’s you” they quickly pulled him inside and locked the door. “I need assistance with an issue and know you can keep secrets.”

“I heard you were sick?” as far as Iruka could tell they seemed fine, the only thing that was different was the hat they had on.

“Had to call out of work, I’m either losing my mind or started sleep walking.”

“Um, I’m sorry what does that mean?”

“Ok so” they sat him down and then began to pace a bit. “Every now and again Naruto has nightmares, no big deal happens to the best of us. He likes to sleep on my bed when that happens. Usually whenever that happens I have some weird dream I can’t remember. I hadn’t paid any mind to that before this week since it was pretty infrequent.”

“Ok?” Iruka wasn’t too sure where this was going.

“This has happened everyday this week, and the weird dreams I have are a lot more vivid? It’s hard to pinpoint but I wake up feeling very strange. Up until today that was kind of it though, just some strange extra grogginess in the morning.”

“And today?”

“Today this happened” they removed the hat to show him their now red hair.

“Your hair turned red?”

“While I was asleep yes.”

“And this isn’t a prank you’re playing on me?”

“DO I LOOK LIKE I’D WILLINGLY DYE MY HAIR RED FOR A PRANK?”

“Um” he didn’t realize that was a sore spot for them. “Kind of?”

“Iruka, this color does not work for me! Imagine if everyone I knew saw me like this! I would never be able to recover.”

“It doesn’t look that bad?” he couldn’t see anything particularly wrong with it, at first the color was sort of jarring but that was really it.

“I look like I have a tomato for a head” they stopped pacing to point at their head.

He held up a hand to try and disagree, but paused. Now that they’d pointed it out, he could most definitely see the tomato head. He decided the best course of action was to change the topic.

“Do you know why or how this happened? Did Naruto pull a prank on you?”

“You think I wouldn't have woken up in the middle of him dying my hair red?”

“He can be shockingly sneaky when he wants to be!”

“He’d have to have flipped me over to dye all of my hair, so again, you really think I’d stay asleep through that?”

“Well, no but I can’t think of another explanation?” Iruka doubted this could be traced back to anything belly buddy related, but wanted to be safe. “Has Naruto mentioned what the nightmares are?”

“God yea, it’s literally the same one everytime, which admittedly would lead me to believe he was lying about it.”

“And it is?”

“He’s in a sewer with a giant fox.”

“Ah” Iruka silently cursed to himself.

“Ah?”

“That is a very common nightmare in the village” this wasn’t exactly a lie, he’d had plenty of nightmares about the nine-tails.

“It is?”

“Did you not know about the nine-tailed fox’s attack on the village?”

“Uh, no? When the hell did that happen?”

“About seven years ago now?” Iruka decided to not mention the exact date of it, just in case they connected those dots.

“He would have just been a baby then, can babies remember stuff like that? I know you guys start them young here but like, this village doesn’t literally throw babies into fights right?”

“Oh god no! From what I understand though Naruto lost his parents in the attack, so maybe that’s why he’s having this dream so often?”

“That is a very traumatic event so you know, this all kind of checks out.”

“No idea why your hair is red though” Iruka was mostly sure a demon that lived in Naruto’s belly couldn’t change someone else's hair color.

“I was so caught up in the tragic story of why my son has nightmares about a fox demon I forgot about that. Now I’m sad and confused.”

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve got a pretty solid list of families who said they’d come to the party?” Iruka decided to try and work his reason for being here into the conversation. “And I also need to get back to work since my lunch break is almost over.”

“Oh god right I’m sorry” they took the list from him and pulled him to his feet. “You’re just the first person I’ve seen other than Naruto all day and I really needed to talk through all this. Is this why you and Jiraya were so weird together?”

“Well with us it was me feeling vindicated, you’re just going a little crazy I think.”

“Wow, that is so reassuring, thanks.”

“I’ll see if I can find anything out about sudden red hair and let you know, but I think you’ll be fine.”

“So long as no one else sees me like this I will be.”

“Again, it doesn’t look that bad.”

“This just proves that you have no taste” Rōzu ushered him out.

“That is very rude!” he yelled at the door that was now shut in his face.

He managed to get back to the academy with a few seconds to spare before the kids came back inside. After making a quick note to try and find Jiraya, Iruka got right back to teaching. It was a Friday and the kids were clearly just excited for the weekend so he tried to keep it nice and easy. In no time at all the bell rang and the day was over.

“Remember to finish your reports this weekend, they are due Monday!” he shouted this at the crowd of children running to the exit. “And no running in the hallway!”

Waiting for the students to get picked up was also surprisingly pleasant. Soon enough there were only a few stragglers waiting around still. He headed over to Mizuki to make sure he could handle things.

“Naruto’s mom is sick so I’ll be making sure he gets back home, do you think you’ll be fine by yourself?”

“I mean yeah, but are you sure about that?” Mizuki was looking at something behind Iruka.

“From what the Hokage’s temporary secretary said I’m pretty sure, why?”

“Well I think that’s Naruto and his mom heading out now? Was his mom always a redhead?”

Iruka snapped around to look, and sure enough Rōzu was heading out with Naruto. They apparently decided to ditch the hat from before which only further confused him.

“I’m gonna go check on that I think?” he headed over to the two.

“Go get em tiger!”

“Hey Rōzu are you feeling better now?” he decided to just cut right to the point. “You still seemed, um, fairly sick earlier.”

“Oh uh” they stopped and looked at him. “That? I was just so embarrassed you guessed it right on the first try I tried to recover but realized I should’ve just cut my losses. I was gonna try and prank you with the whole red hair spooky dream thing, but you just caught on way too quick.”

“Really?” he must be off his game if he fell for that. “Oh um, well thanks for telling me now, you actually had me going there, guess Naruto is rubbing off on you too.”

“I take offense to that, I am a great influence” Naruto folded his arms and turned away from Iruka.

“What? Psh, no way” Rōzu gave Naruto’s head a playful nuggie. “This lil guy is just a chip of the ol block.”

Iruka couldn’t quite place it, but something felt off. He couldn’t say he knew Rōzu incredibly well, but he was pretty sure they were acting a little strange. Of course he could just be overthinking from that strange conversation before.

“Alright well uh, you two have a goodnight then” he decided to try and not worry about it.

“You too!” they lightly prodded Naruto. “Naruto come on, be polite.”

“Fine, you too.”

As they left he tried to let that thought go, but it kept nagging at him. If it was just for a prank why call out of work? They could have easily talked to him there or even now to try and sell him on it. Doing his best to let it slide he carried on with the rest of his evening. Together he and Mizuki got everything wrapped up and left early. As he prepared to head out he saw his note from before, even though they had come clean about it all, he decided to follow up on it.

“Excuse me Lord Hokage” Iruka had managed to catch him on the way out of the tower. “Do you know if Jiraya is still in the village?”

“If this is for another conspiracy story, no.”

“Sorry about that once again, but no I just wanted to ask him something for Rōzu since they’re sick.”

“Hm, alright” he continued walking. “He's been staying with me til the party, so come along.”

It was a surprisingly long walk to the Third’s residence, a quaint house overlooking most of the village. He could hear some arguing within the building.

“How dare you bring this filth here!” Ebisu was pointing at Jiraya’s work in progress.

“Oh, and what’s this?” Jiraya pulled a copy of one of his books out of Ebisu’s pocket.

“IT’S NOT MINE!”

“Ebisu, you can go home now” Hiruzen took off his Hokage robe and hung it by the door. “Jiraya you have a visitor.”

“Ah perfect, I had a new theory that I wanted to get a second opinion on” he quickly threw Ebisu out the open door and threw an arm over Iruka’s shoulder. “What if they’re an alien?”

“I’m actually not here about that” he leaned in closer to Jiraya. “But I am so down to talk about this later, I have considered that before.”

“What did I say!” Hiruzen pointed at the sign that said “No conspiracy crafting here.”

“Right sorry!” Iruka bowed quickly. “I just have questions about Naruto and his um, belly buddy.”

“Hm, ok, step into my office” Jiraya gestured to the spare room he’d been staying in.

Once they both were inside Jiraya shut the door and mouthed over to him. Iruka shook his head no, as this wasn’t a cover to discuss conspiracies. With a shrug Jiraya plopped down on the bed.

“So what’s up? Lady troubles?” he paused for a second after looking at Iruka. “Men troubles?”

“Nope it is not either of those and I’d prefer to keep the conversation away from that.”

“Fine fine.”

“It’s actually about Naruto and the fox, and I figure you might know something since you taught the fourth Hokage?”

“A fair assumption, go on.”

“So, could the fox leak out of the seal into someone else?”

“I’m gonna give you a hard no that probably couldn’t happen.”

“That is very reassuring, follow up question: Could it affect someone else’s dreams?”

“Maybe if they slept in direct contact with Naruto? Even then it’d be hard for it to learn how to affect them.”

“But it could happen?”

“I suppose so? Why?”

“Um, Rōzu mentioned having weird dreams when Naruto would sleep in their bed after having nightmares.”

“Would those nightmares happen to be related to a very large fox in a sewer?”

“That is actually exactly the nightmare.”

“Shit.”

“Um, final question?”

“I assume I won’t like this one either, but go ahead.”

“How bad of a sign is it if Rōzu has one of those dreams and then suddenly wakes up with red hair and is acting a little off?”

“Well, I am an expert, and I’d say incredibly bad. Please tell me that was purely a hypothetical question.”

“Um, is it ok if I lie?”

“It’ll make me feel better so yes.”

“Then yes it was purely hypothetical.”

Jiraya took a deep breath and didn’t say anything for a few moments. Iruka wasn’t sure what was going on, so he just stayed on his feet waiting for him to say something.

“It didn’t actually make me feel better. We should go find them like right now.”

Without waiting on a reply Jiraya hopped out the window. Not wanting to be left behind Iruka leapt out after him. 

“We check their home first, look for any clues and then go from there” Jiraya was more serious now than Iruka ever thought he could be.

“Got it.”

When they arrived Jiraya signaled for a split up, Iruka was to go in by the door and he’d head for a window. He crept through the complex and to the Uzumaki door. By some stroke of luck he could hear them inside, now he just had to wait for the signal.

“Hey mom some weird guy is hanging outside our window” hearing Naruto call this out Iruka felt a slight panic creep over him.

“Ew get away from him” he heard Rōzu reply and then a large crashing sound from outside. “If you ever see that creepy guy again make sure to hit him as hard as you can.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m giving you my full permission to hit him as hard as you can anytime you see him.”

Iruka decided to abort his end of the mission and went to find Jiraya. It was easy enough to see where he’d fallen but the man had seemingly vanished.

“Well now what do I do?” 

The reply the world gave him was for a large toad to grab him and rip him on top of a nearby roof. When he got his bearings back he could see Jiraya laying low with binoculars.

“Ok so plan A, total failure” he held out another pair for Iruka. “So now we do plan B. Stakeout.”

“Why do, no I can guess why you have two of these” Iruka took the pair of binoculars and got into position as well.

The stakeout didn’t offer too much info as to the motive of whatever had replaced Rōzu. They seemed to be doing just normal mom things with Naruto. Given everything that was going on, he somehow found them wearing an apron and baking cookies the most abnormal behavior. 

“Maybe I was overreacting?” as he watched them tuck Naruto into bed he felt incredibly weird about the stakeout. “They sort of said it was all a prank earlier.”

“Well why the hell didn’t you open with that!” Jiraya gestured to the small crater he’d made earlier. “Could’ve saved me a lot of pain.”

“Well they are acting strangely!” Iruka tried to point at Rōzu in the apartment but couldn’t find them. “Wait, where are they?”

“So whatcha you two doing up here?” their voice was now behind them.

“Uh” he slowly turned around trying to think of a good lie.

“Cause it sure looks like you’re trying to peep on me, which is very weird. I can expect this from him, but you’re Naruto’s teacher! Have some dignity!”

“I have standards!” Jiraya apparently took offense to that. 

“Oh I’ve had it with you” they grabbed Jiraya by the front of his kimono and hoisted him up. “You had one job, one! Take care of Naruto, and you didn’t even try. Honestly it’s as much my fault as it is yours, how on earth I let Minato convince me making you godfather was a good idea I cannot recall.”

“What?” Jiraya had a visible reaction to their words. “How do you know w-”

“Who my husband is? Well, was.”

“Iruka, things are far worse than we thought” Jiraya went deathly pale. 

“What does that mean?” Iruka and Rōzu said this together, in very different tones.

“On the one hand, it means we aren’t under attack from a tailed-beast” he gulped deeply. “On the other hand, I think I see my life flashing before my eyes.”

Before Iruka could try and ask for clarification on that, they burst out into a fit of laughter. Jiraya managed to wiggle out of their grip and took off. Leaving him alone with whoever this was.

“You thought I was the fox?” they looked over to him once they managed to stop laughing. “Really?”

“Uh, I’m still sort of on that line of thinking since I don’t know who you are?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m Naruto’s mother” they gave him a pleasant smile. “His real mother. Kushina Uzumaki at your service.”

Iruka was still very lost, but took the hand she offered him. Whatever air of pretending she’d been keeping up was clearly gone now. Somehow this was very literally a different person with their face.

“And I can tell by the look on your face you’ve got so many questions” she pulled him up to his feet. “But I really don’t care to answer them.”

“What?”

“I know you and Rōzu had a little rapport going, some cute little flirting too, but I’m a married woman so that’s donezo.”

“What?” he said it again but louder.

“Long story short, your little friend is gone for now, probably forever. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am very excited to take a nice bath for the first time in seven years.”

He just stood there in utter confusion as she left. He’d never heard of Kushina before, and Jiraya was probably long gone. Just when he felt like things were almost making sense too.

“WHAT?”


	11. Mind Control?  That's a thing the Sharingan can do huh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I am just gonna keep it all in one fic and have a clear separation between the two parts, so like, I wanna say 4 more chapters before the second part of the story?

Following the events of Friday Iruka tried to pound the pavement and find out anything else. With Jiraya having skipped town and Kakashi on some long term mission he didn’t really know who to go to. Trying to stop into the Hokage’s office meant seeing Kushina, which ruined the whole discreet aspect of it all. She had of course approached him a few times, keeping up appearances as she called it. To top it all off, she’d given Mizuki an invite to the party, but not him! There was a line, and she had crossed it!

“Look I know it seems like I was going behind your back, but I swear” Mizuki was also now trying to convince him that he had not broken the bro code, which was still a mystery to him. “I would NEVER do that to a bro!”

“For the tenth time, I believe you! That’s not why they gave you an invite and not me!”

“Ok well it hurts when you say that, cause it could be why I’m just letting you know it’s not.”

He added this exchange to his list of grievances against Kushina. If it weren’t for the few kids still waiting on parents he could just walk away from this, but no, he was trapped there by his job.

“Excuse me” as one Itachi Uchiha approached them, he prayed to whatever cruel god was out there. “I need to discuss some things with Iruka.”

“Well if you insist, sorry man but you know I just gotta” Iruka didn’t give him a chance to say something before walking off with Itachi. “What can I do for you?”

“Rōzu provided an invite to Naruto’s party to Sasuke earlier, and mentioned how a proper chaperone should take him. I may be reading into this, but are they mad at me?”

“Well, I’m sure they aren’t, but I cannot say for the Rōzu who gave that invite.”

“Does Naruto have two parents with the same name?” Itachi was a little perplexed by his reply.

“Nope, just um, uh” he really didn’t know how to explain what happened to someone else. “The ghost, I guess, of Kushina, Naruto’s birth mother, may have possessed them?”

“Are you perhaps not getting enough sleep? I’m aware teaching can be very stressful.”

“No she sort of told me that to my face, not in those exact words, but more or less.”

“Hm, assuming that is true, are you aware of what she knows of me?”

“No? I’m still not actually clear how you know Rōzu if I’m honest.”

“Oh that’s easy, I helped them hide a body.”

“YOU’RE THAT GUY?” he of course remembered which body from Rōzu’s story, but his yelling did earn some unwanted attention.

“Yes?”

“Sorry they just, well, told me about most of that, but didn’t mention you were that guy.”

“Well, I can maybe see why this mother might not want me at a children's birthday party then. Assuming this Kushina is also aware of that story.”

“So that answers your question?”

“It does, I now just have many more questions.”

“Well get in line bud, I’m sitting on a few hundred.”

“Oh will you be confronting them about this? I was planning to about the party already and would be glad to accompany you.”

Iruka had not planned to do that, given that A: She was very scary and B: Had made it quite clear she wouldn’t be offering any explanations. Maybe with Itachi as back up though he could get something out of her.

“That would actually be very helpful.”

“Alright, I’ll find you later today” with that Itachi headed back to Sasuke and went on his way.

He didn’t have any actual plan in case things didn’t go as he wanted them to, so he tried to form one. It was hard doing so with Mizuki explaining the intricacies of being bros instead of helping him get their classroom cleaned up. Finally he was in his home and alone, clear of distractions and able to think. This lasted for one minute before someone started knocking on his door.

“Can I help you?” he angrily opened it assuming it’d be Mizuki.

“I dunno?” Naruto stepped back defensively.

“Naruto? Why are you here?”

“Well first of all, can I trust you not to narc on me?”

“Uh, depends?”

“I made a clone and snuck over here.”

“Oh that’s great news that you’ve got the clone technique down!”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Another dead clone?”

“Yes, but, it distracted my mom long enough for me to sneak out so it worked! I want that on the record that it did work!”

“Ok fine, but why exactly did you do that?” 

“Is something going on with my mom?” Naruto sounded a little afraid when asking that.

“What? No of course not” Iruka didn’t want to concern him with all of the very weird things that were most certainly going on with his mom.

“They’re being really weird though! Like they’re leaving or something! All the baking and doting and saying things like “It’s alright, mom’s here and isn’t going away ever again,” these are not normal things!”

“Oh those uh” he didn’t have a good lie on hand for that. “Are just, uh, normal mom things?”

“You know don’t you!” Naruto was not taking this lack of help well. “Whatever’s going on you know and you aren’t telling me!”

“Naruto there’s nothing going on I promise!” he really hoped all the lies that people told Naruto wouldn’t cause him to have a ton of trust issues down the line. “I’m sure Rōzu is just uh, hitting their motherhood stride?”

“What does that mean!”

“Uh” Iruka was hoping someone would interrupt this conversation and bail him out.

“There you are!” ‘Rōzu’ rounded a corner and approached them, and he cursed internally. “You had me very worried with that little bait and switch!”

“Stay away from me!” Naruto dashed behind Iruka. “You’re not my mom! I don’t care what everyone is saying!”

“Oh don’t be silly! I’m sure whatever far fetched story Iruka told you is just one of his many funny little conspiracies about me.”

“All I’ve told him is that you’re his very normal mother” Iruka tried to segway this into a question. “But why don’t you share a fun little conspiracy, you know to lighten the mood.”

“Hm let’s see” she tapped a finger to her chin. “Maybe something about me being from the moon, and I’ve come here to steal the nicest little children away.”

“Ok just because I had put something like that on the board means nothing.”

“Nothing good for sure” she waved Naruto over to her. “Now come on, dinner is gonna get cold if we don’t hurry back.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you!” Naruto held onto the back of Iruka’s pant leg. “I want to know where my real mom is!”

“Naruto my sweet son” she crouched down to be eye level with him. “I am your real mother, and Rōzu did a wonderful job taking care of you while I was away. I’m back now and am so grateful for their help in getting me here with you.”

As he felt Naruto’s grip tighten, Iruka couldn’t help but pity Kushina. She’d somehow come back from the dead and her son was rejecting her. Even if everything going on right now was insane to him, he could at least let her spend time with him. He put a hand on Naruto’s shoulder.

“You were right before, I do know what happened” he ignored the look she threw at him. “This isn’t Rōzu, but you apparently already knew that Naruto. This is Kushina, she’s your birth mother. I’m not sure how she’s here, but her and Rōzu worked it out together. I hope it doesn’t ruin the surprise if you hear about this now. Rōzu wanted to give you a chance to spend time with her for your birthday.”

Naruto looked back at her, his grip loosening. Kushina smiled at him, a tear welling in her eye. Seeming them together, Iruka knew it might not have been right to lie again, but it felt right. She gave him one last glance as Naruto took her hand and they left. He was alone again, and felt conflicted about everything. He wasn’t sure when the next knock at his door came, but it felt like forever.

“Come in” he waved Itachi inside and closed the door again.

“I tried to search the Uchiha archives for anything related to ghosts” Itachi had a small book with him. “It’s all very old material and none of it mentions possessions.”

“I don’t think ghost is quite right” Iruka remembered what Jiraya had initially said. “At first we thought it was the nine-tails attempting to influence them.”

“We?”

“Oh right, I had gone to Jiraya about this when their hair turned red. He has since fled so I haven’t really been able to figure out too much more about that.”

“That actually might still be correct” Itachi produced some additional papers. “I looked into a Kushina Uzumaki, most of her records were kept hidden. It turns out she was the former jinchuriki of the nine-tails.”

“Wait what?” Iruka took the papers to look over. “How did you get these?”

“Being in ANBU has some perks to balance out all of the trauma.”

There were a few photos with her files, he didn’t recognize her of course, but it helped having a face to the name. It was as Itachi said, apparently the jinchuriki before her was also an Uzumaki. This raised more, unrelated, questions that he put on the back burner.

“So you think her containing the nine-tails may be related to this ghost stuff?”

“I’m no expert, so this is all sort of speculation, but perhaps a piece of her stayed with the nine-tails after it was resealed? If what happened to Rōzu is because of its influence then perhaps that piece managed to use that to affect them.”

“I, well, that makes more sense than ghosts being real I guess?” Iruka really didn’t have a working theory, and this was based on some facts.

“For the record, I really don’t want ghosts to be real.”

“Uh, ok that is on the record?” Iruka forgot Itachi was probably still young enough to have fears like that.

“Where do we go from here? Stakeout?”

“Doing a stakeout ended very badly last time so we should put it at the bottom of the list..”

“Do you have any other options then?”

“Maybe we just have to wait it out?”

“And hope she comes to us to explain what’s going on? Most ninja aren’t exactly known for doing that.”

Iruka wasn’t too sure how to convey his sudden empathy towards Kushina. Maybe there was more to it than some nefarious body stealing plot like he’d initially assumed. They’d need to get more information somehow, but he couldn’t think of a good way to do so. There likely wasn’t any evidence they could snoop through, unless she was keeping a ghost diary for some reason.

“We could just try and ask her I guess?” she’d told him before that questions were a no go, but he’d managed to worm answers out of Rōzu so how tough could she be to crack. “Unless you’ve got like, some weird mind control stuff you can do.”

“I’d rather not resort to that.”

“Now, are you making a weird joke or can you actually do that?”

“I know someone who can, but I think that should be a last resort thing.”

“Right” Iruka put it as the second option on the list. “Politely ask is our go then.”

“I’d like to put stakeout above mind control.”

“Fine” he made a new list on the back of the page to reorder the options. 

“Thank you.”

“If we get there in about twenty minutes I think Naruto will be asleep, or at least in bed.”

“Alright.”

“So” he now realized he’d have to wait around with Itachi for another twenty minutes and needed to talk about something. “What’s the strangest themed restaurant you’ve been to?”

“...” Itachi just stared at him in silence for a few moments, making Iruka fear he’d just offended the young prodigy. “A Cod themed noodle shop.”

“Did they sell noodles with cod?”

“No.”

“Why did you go there exactly?”

“I like cod, it has a nice texture. The experience was very disappointing.”

Unsure of what else to say, Iruka asked more questions from that book. He’d only read it once and only when he was very drunk, so he wasn’t sure if he was getting them right. To his great surprise, Itachi just kept answering the questions. 

“Do you have a name for all of the crows you feed?”

“Of course.”

“Do you want to share all of them?”

“I think we don’t have enough time for me to share all of the names, should we get going?”

Iruka checked a clock, it was now five minutes passed when he’d planned to get there. He rushed up to the door since it was his own fault they’d run over like this. Flinging it open he barely managed to stop himself from barreling into the person there.

“Holy fuck” Kushina jumped back, startled by him suddenly flinging the door open. “What are you psychic?”

“Uh” Iruka wasn’t sure why she was here. “If anyone asks, Yes. Also, can I help you?”

“I came here to try and pay back your help from before, if you’re headed somewhere else though I can find you tomorrow?”

“Oh no actually” he gestured to Itachi. “We were actually about to go find you to ask questions.”

“Perfect then” she walked past the two of them and sat down inside. “Per your standard rate with Rōzu you get three questions.”

“Uh, cool cool” Iruka closed the door and sat back down, Itachi chose to just stand behind him. 

“Can I have the first question?” he said this specifically to Iruka.

“Yeah go for it” Iruka didn’t have one ready just yet.

“Was I not invited to the party because I helped hide that one body?”

“Not really? You just seemed like you wouldn’t really enjoy a seven year old's birthday party if I’m honest.”

“That is fair, for the record, I would.”

“Alright I can get you an invite I guess, uh, any non-party questions?”

“None from me.”

“I’ve got two I guess” he probably should’ve expected that to be Itachi’s question given their morning talk. “How did Rōzu become you?”

“Yeah I figured you’d ask something like that, get comfy it’s a long answer” she leaned back in the chair. “As an Uzumaki I’ve got some pretty special chakra, and thanks to that I am, was, a very good jinchuriki. Unfortunately, a masked asshole ripped the nine-tails out of me when I gave birth.”

She paused briefly after saying that. Iruka wasn’t sure if she wanted them to ask who that was or would just say it. He decided to just wait and see.

“Damn wanted to try and get the two for one” after a full minute of silence Kushina continued. “Him ripping it out of me apparently took some of my chakra with it, that and the chakra me and Minato put into the seal managed to link up. With that link up I was able to manipulate the foxes chakra again, and basically just kept trying to hop into another body. Your friend just so happened to be the only one who was too weak to reject my chakra and in contact with Naruto enough I could do it.”

“Wait, how many people did you try this on?”

“Who’s to say?”

“DID YOU TRY AND STEAL MY BODY?”

“Uh…” she scratched the back of her head sheepishly. “Only once or twice.”

“That doesn’t count as the third question, because you tried to steal MY BODY.”

“Fine, one more.”

“Can we get you out of their body?”

“I mean, who’s to say? Ya know?”

“That’s a yes and you just don’t want to give back the STOLEN BODY so you’re deflecting.”

“THEY STOLE MY SON IT’S ONLY FAIR!”

“THAT IS NOT HOW ADOPTION WORKS! YOU DIED!”

“I KNOW I DIED YOU DON’T HAVE TO REMIND ME YA KNOW!”

“Fine, I’m sorry that was rude I can admit” Iruka didn’t want to think about if the tables were turned and someone reminded him that he had died. “But like, you have to see how messed up what you’re doing is right?”

“They said it was fine.”

“I find it very hard to believe that when asked “Hey can I have your body forever?” they said that was fine.”

“Ok yeah I tricked them, but they were fine with helping me reunite with Naruto which is what is now happening. Therefore, they were fine with it.”

“NO, THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS!” Iruka could not believe he was arguing with a ghost about stealing people’s bodies being bad. “GET OUT OF THEIR BODY!”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“If it’s all the same to you both, I’ll be leaving” Itachi had clearly had his full of this conversation. “Iruka, please find me later.”

“What why?”

“For reasons.”

“I’d like to know these reasons” Kushina clearly didn’t trust his tone.

“And I would like it if you’d return Rōzu their body.”

“I’m annoyed, but you’ve got me there.”

“I would also still like an invite to the party.”

“Will you tell me the reasons if I give you one?”

“No.”

“Then tough.”

“Then don’t come to me if you need a body hidden.”

“I won’t! I’ll just take care of it myself!”

“Fine” Itachi left on that.

“For the record I think you two won’t work out, in case you're doing this to try and get a date or whatever” Kushia headed for the door as well. “But that’s just my two cents. As someone who was in a very successful marriage.”

“GET OUT!” Iruka shoved her out the door. “AND FOR THE RECORD NO THAT IS NOT WHY. AND ALSO I DON’T CARE!”

“SURE YOU DON’T BUDDY” she yelled this so he could hear through the door.

Iruka was getting very fed up with people accusing him of having feelings! Mizuki was bad enough, but if one more person brought it up he’d lose his entire mind. Especially if it was another ghost inhabiting the person people were accusing him of having feelings for.


	12. Ok so have you seen inception?  No?  Ok well this planning session is about to take an extra two hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woof this is a big one I guess? Three more chapters for part one of this, so expect them to be long I guess!

This morning would take the cake as the worst morning Iruka had ever had. He was alone in a strange room and didn’t know how he got here. If they managed to get  Rōzu free of Kushina, he’d be blaming them for how insane his life had gotten. It was only when the door opened and two people entered the room he got some answers.

“Perfect your awake” Itachi handed him a snack bar. “Sorry I had to move our time table up a bit since Fox has a mission tomorrow.”

“You kidnapped me” he took the snack bar and looked over at Fox.

They looked like a typical ANBU member, their mask unsettled him a little. If they were with Itachi he assumed they could be trusted, of course Itachi had kidnapped him in the night, so maybe not.

“Like I said, short on time” Itachi hung some papers on the wall. “I’ve made a rough outline for the mission. We’ll have to isolate Kushina and then get her within Fox’s line of sight. Once Fox is in we can link up to them and go in as well.”

“In?” 

“In her mind, Fox is capable of bringing other people along. Given everything we learned yesterday I narrowed down our options. We’ll either have to exorcise Rōzu, which I’m unaware of how to do, or go into their mind and take out Kushina there.”

“When did you come up with this exactly?” Iruka had seen him roughly six hours ago, did Itachi sleep?

“About an hour ago, that’s when I linked up with Fox and had to move our mission time up.”

“The whole mind thing seems like a stretch though? What if we get overpowered by her in there?”

“That brings me to part two of that solution, once one of us is in there with Fox the other will have to remove the limiters from Rōzu. Given what Kushina said those are likely what let her take over.”

“Wait, you knew about the limiters?” Iruka thought they’d only told him.

“Of course, we hid a body together.”

“Should you say that inf-”

“Don’t care” this was the first time Fox spoke, they were certainly to the point.

“Right. So one of us goes in and tries to kick her out from the inside, and the other boosts Rōzu up to help kick her out. Seems simple enough.”

“Glad you think so, it’s on you to get her alone. Once you do so Fox will move, then you’ll be going in.”

“Is that a good idea, I’m definitely the weakest one here.”

“While a fair point, I thought it over and decided you’d be the best fit for that role. I don’t enjoy the sensation of my mind leaving my body.”

“Of course” Iruka was sure he’d hate it too. “How am I supposed to get her alone?”

“You’ve already called out of work for the day” Itachi held a hand up to him to silence any questions. “Naruto will be at school, so you just need to get her to stay home long enough for Fox to get prepped. Once they're ready we’ll knock on the door.”

“How did you call out for me exactly?” Iruka didn’t particularly like that he could just do that.

“Like this” he really didn’t like hearing his voice come out of Itachi’s mouth.

“Uh huh. So, I just have to keep someone who really doesn’t like me in one place long enough for you two to get ready. Not really sure Kushina won’t just ignore me and head off.”

“It’s on you to figure out something convincing enough, if not the plan will be a bust.”

“Great, no pressure.”

He had less than an hour before the academy day would start. Once it did Kushina would be alone very briefly before heading to work. He didn’t particularly like it, but he’d managed to come up with one plan that might work.

“Hello?” he knocked on the Uzumaki’s door. “Are you still in Rōzu? I just wanted to apologize about something really quick.”

“I am” she opened the door, giving him a look. “But aren’t you supposed to be teaching.”

“Took today off, can I come in?”

“Well I didn’t, so you’ll have to make this quick and say it at the door.”

“It’s a little private for a hallway conversation.”

“Oh really, what exactly is this about then?”

“I know we’ve had, well, a whole thing between us. Some bad times, some good times, some worse times, but I really think it’s not fair to Kakashi.”

“What?”

“I know it’s kind of my fault with inviting him to Fun Friday, but I thought it would be good for us to just get it all out in the open. I was clearly wrong.”

“Uh huh, wrong about what exactly?” her confusion about this meant she didn’t have all of Rōzu’s memories, or at least the ones from when they were very drunk.

“He’s just not that into me, like, I know, having a threeway wi-” moments after he said that she yanked him inside and locked the door.

“A WHAT WAY WITH WHO?” she seemed very distraught by this announcement.

“Yeah I thought you’d wanna know this” Iruka hated that this was working. “We all got very drunk one night and had a threeway. So when Kakashi is back later today, things might be really awkward.”

“Oh god are you kidding me!” she rubbed her forehead. “The one fucking body I can get, and it belongs to someone who had a threeway with Kakashi!”

“Is there something wrong with Kakashi?” Iruka hadn’t expected this to work so well.

“He was my husband's student, I’ve known him since he was like five!”

“Wait” Iruka hadn’t figured out who exactly the Minato she’d mentioned before was. “You were married to Kakashi’s jonin sensei? As in, the fourth Hokage?”

“Yes! Oh god what if he tries to kiss me! This is so messed up!”

“NARUTO’S DAD IS THE FOURTH HOKAGE?” Iruka had lost control of this situation. 

“FOCUS” she slapped him. “I NEED YOU TO HELP ME DUMP KAKASHI PRONTO! I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS!”

“YOU CANNOT JUST TELL ME NARUTO’S DAD WAS A HOKAGE AND EXPECT ME TO FOCUS ON THAT!”

The two both paused as there was another knock at the door. Iruka really hoped it was Itachi and Fox, this had gotten way too out of hand for him. Kushina stared at it in fear.

“Shouldn’t you go open it?” 

“What if it’s Kakashi?” 

“It can’t be, he won’t be back until tonight” that was the one true thing Iruka had built this lie on.

“You open it!”

“This is your house!”

“Look, I need you to open it so I don’t have to deal with the distress seeing Kakashi will cause me.”

“You are being so ridiculous, but fine” he walked over and grabbed the door knob.

As he slowly pulled it open he was reassured seeing Itachi and Fox. In all the yelling he’d almost been convinced it would be Kakashi for some reason. As he opened it all the way Fox moved forward and made a strange hand seal at Kushina. Itachi quickly moved forward and caught them, Kushina fell to the floor with a thump.

“Good job” Itachi put Fox down in a chair and helped Iruka move Kushina off the floor. 

“How do I link up with them exactly?” that hadn’t been explained to him earlier.

“Grab their shoulder and match their chakra” Itachi got to work with the limiters. “Good luck in there.”

“Thanks” full of doubt he followed Itachi’s instructions.

As he matched Fox’s chakra flow he understood what Itachi had meant before. The feeling of his conscious mind exiting his body was not a pleasant one. After a few moments he could feel himself once more and could see again. The world had changed, he was now at the foot of a snow covered mountain. The snow that fell onto him felt odd, it didn’t melt on contact and was sort of brittle on his skin. In the distance he could see something through the snowfall, without any other options he headed over there. As he grew near he crossed a threshold of some kind, suddenly there was no more snow. Instead it was a lush grass field with a small table at its center.

“Oh great, another person in my head” Rōzu, the real Rōzu, was sitting at the table.

“DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SLEEP WITH KAKASHI!” he could recognize Kushina from the pictures. 

“Who can say?”

“YOU CAN!”

Iruka decided to move closer to the table amidst the yelling. He couldn’t see any sign of Fox, he thought they’d be here as well. When he was by the table he could see the restraints on Rōzu, they were strange gold chains.

“So, welcome to my twisted mind” they gestured with their head to a seat. “Take a seat if you want, try and ignore the yelling woman.”

“I think I’ll pass on the seat” he tried to get closer to them but more of the chains blocked the way.

“You might have gotten in here” Kushina was glaring at him now. “But you really shouldn’t try and do that.”

“Or else what?” he glared back. “You’ll steal my body too?”

“God please don’t, he’d look so bad with red hair.”

“I would not!”

“Shut up!” Kushina snapped a chain at him. “I’ve got a body now, and I am perfectly happy with it. So unless you want me to try out having two, get the hell out of it.”

“This isn’t your body!” Iruka had managed to avoid the chain, but didn’t like how many she’d summoned. “Kushina Uzumaki is dead! You said it yourself, you’re just some left over chakra!”

“Iruka, just go” Rōzu’s voice was weak. 

“I told you, they’re fine with this” Kushina tucked a strand of their hair away. “It’s what’s best for everyone.”

“Like hell I believe that!” he dodged another chain and moved closer. “You’re my friend and I’m not letting her erase you!”

“Oh big words, and a rather bold assumption, isn’t that right Rōzu?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean!” he rolled under another swing and looked at them.

“I trusted you, and you lied to my face!” their words made him pause long enough for a chain smack him to the ground. “You knew what was going on with Naruto and just refused to tell me!”

“That’s not true!” he was too distracted to notice the chain going for his leg, it hoisted him up and brought him closer to them. “I wanted to tell you, but there’s a law!”

“I compromised the one thing I have left from my past because I thought I could trust you” their voice was growing weaker even as they kept yelling at him. “And you wouldn’t break one stupid law!”

“So you’re just going to let her kill you!” he really didn’t see how this was relevant to the current situation. “I’m sorry I lied ok! But you can be mad at me tomorrow when it’s you and not her in the real world!”

“Well this rescue mission of yours is going spectacularly from where I’m standing” Kushina started wrapping more chains around him. 

“STAY OUT OF THIS” they yelled at her together.

“Or else what?”

“Or else I’m gonna kick your ass!” Rōzu started straining against the chains. “You stole my body, my life, and my son!”

“HE WAS MY SON FIRST!”

“SHOULD’VE THOUGHT OF THAT” they managed to get an arm free of the chains. “BEFORE YOU FUCKING DIED.”

“YEAH WHAT THEY SAID!” Iruka started fighting against the chains as well.

“If you both weren’t going to bite it here” she held her chin and watched them both struggle against her chains. “You do make a pretty nice pair ya know.”

Iruka looked her in the eyes. He was about to lose his entire mind. Abandoning his hold on the chains, he grabbed the edge of the table and flipped it up at her.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE ARE NOT A THING!”

Getting a table flipped at her made Kushina lose her concentration on the chains momentarily. It was enough time for Iruka to fall free. He grabbed Rōzu and started pulling trying to get them loose too. He could feel more chains fast approaching without even needing to turn, even with that last ditch effort things were looking bad. As he prepared to give up and meet a horrific end here, Rōzu gripped the chains tighter. With a surge of chakra they tore themself free and jumped back with Iruka.

“Oh I forgot how being strong feels” they flexed their arms and grinned. 

“Itachi has really come through on this whole operation” Iruka liked their odds a lot better now.

“He is absolutely not invited to the party” Kushina surged her chakra as well. 

“When I get rid of you, I’m double inviting him to the party.”

“Big talk, you’re just some second rate replacement for me. You’re a failure, a nobody, and most of all, not a real mother.”

“From what I’ve heard, I’ve been a mom about six month longer than you.”

“Oh now you’ve crossed the line, I’m gonna tear you apart!” Kushina released more chains

“Bring it on!” Rōzu pointed a thumb to their chest. “You’re dealing with the one and only mom to Konoha’s number one hyperactive knucklehead!”

Iruka tried to move in but was yanked back by Rōzu. He tried to protest, but froze as they dipped him. He could hear blood rushing in his head as they leaned in, chains beginning to bear down on them.

“Once I’m done with her” they dropped him to the ground. “We are having a long chat.”

Thoroughly dazed and thankfully not kissed, Iruka watched from the ground as they dashed towards Kushina. They managed to easily slide or vault over the newest chains she shot out, each new one was getting noticeably slower than the last. Seeing that she couldn’t stop their approach, Kushina moved forward to meet them head on. Iruka winced as they literally collided headfirst. Given her use of the chains Iruka had assumed she would lack in close combat, unfortunately he was wrong. Between the two of them Rōzu was clearly out classed in raw strength, getting shoved back by each blow. It was more surprising to him that they didn’t seem too concerned by her upper hand. As the fight raged on her discovered why. With every punch that would throw Rōzu away, Kushina became slower. 

“What’s the matter” they managed to dodge her latest hit and retaliated with an uppercut. “Running out of steam?”

“Don’t worry” Kushina grit her teeth and slammed the ground, shattering it under them both. “I’m just hitting my second wind!”

Rōzu was low on options, as the flying chunks of earth left little mobility. Jumping away from another of her punches they were airborne and unprotected. With another explosion Kushina shot another barrage of chains at them, destroying the closest drebis to them. Unable to dodge, Rōzu was grabbed by the chains. Kushina grabbed hold of them and pivoted, swinging them down into the ground. 

“It might not be your real body” she watched the dust settle. “But damn does it feel good putting you in the dirt.”

“I’m really getting sick of those chains” Rōzu spat up blood and pulled themself up. “But I doubt you can keep this up much longer.”

Kushina launched another chain at them, aiming to just spear them through the chest. Rōzu was able to catch this one, they might have failed to do any damage to her, but she was running low on chakra. They slowly began pulling her closer, winding the chain around their arm.

“I won’t” Kushina tried to pull back and dig heels in, even with her best current effort she couldn’t stop them. “Give up.”

“It’s your call” Rōzu just kept slowly pulling as she began to unravel. “But unlike you, I’m not a finite amount of chakra. How much more do you have? One, maybe two, more chains?”

“Shut up!” Kushina lashed out with another chain, this one couldn’t even reach all the way. 

“Oh wow, half a chain huh.”

“You think” her body was beginning to fade now as well as the distance between them closed. “You think Naruto will forgive you? I’m his real mother! He’ll hate you for killing me again, we both know it!”

“Funny, you didn’t think about that when you tried killing me?” 

“He never would’ve known.”

They drew a fist back. Kushina flinched, preparing for the hit that would shatter her form for good.

“Yeah he would” Iruka watched as Rōzu pulled her into a hug, the last parts of Kushina faded out in their arms.

With the battle over he went over to them, hoping they wouldn’t toss him aside now. The snow began to fall in this zone as well now, covering the scars left by the battle. 

“We should get out of here before you’re buried by all the snow” he reached out to them in the crater, it was slowly filling with the stuff.

“Snow?” they took his hand and gave him a look. “You think this is all snow?”

“I’m not sure I want to know what it actually is now.”

“Wow, who’d would’ve thought” with his help they were out of the hole. “A question about me you’re not dying to hear an answer for. Also uh, how do we get out of here?”

“You know, nobody actually explained that part to me” Iruka had been too busy thinking up something to trick Kushina with to ask. “I assume Fox will get us?”

“Who?”

“Me” the two jumped back in fear as Fox spoke up from behind them.

“Have you be-”

“Yup.”

“Why di-”

“Wasn’t my business.”

“Fine” Iruka probably should have assumed as much. “Can you ta-”

Before he could finish speaking Iruka was back in the senseless void. It didn’t feel any better the second time. His eyes snapped open and he tried to stand up, but his body wasn’t ready for that.

“AH” all he could do currently was yell and fall to the floor.

“Oh yea, give it a minute or so” Itachi was doing a coloring book on the floor. “Your body has to get used to having you in it again.”

He also couldn’t stop his screaming, so the few minutes it took for his body to respond again was filled with his yelling. Fox didn’t have any issues returning to their body if the lack of falling and yelling was any sign. 

“Why am I upside down?” Rōzu was the last to come to, Itachi had apparently not moved their body from how they’d thrown it earlier. 

“Who can say?” he put away the colored pencils and book he was using. “But you’re welcome for the help.”

“Thanks Itachi.”

“It was like ninety percent me!” Iruka hadn’t been thanked yet.

“I dunno, it seems like it was mostly Itachi to me.”

“He didn’t even want to go in your head!”

“You got caught in like a minute! All you did was flip a table and yell!”

“Because! You! Didn’t let me help!”

“All I did was put you on the floor, so that’s a pretty poor excuse.”

“For the record, this was also all my plan” Itachi seemed to want more praise.

“It sure sounds like it was mostly Itachi.”

“I helped too” Fox held up a hand.

“Sorry I don’t know you?”

“Good.”

“I would just like my fair share of credit” Iruka was mad even if it was true that he hadn’t even done that much.

“Shame” they tried to move but just fell onto the floor. 

“Well, bye” Fox headed for the door.

“I’ll be leaving as well, I need some sleep.”

“Wait do I have to go to work?” they still couldn’t move and were just wiggling on the floor. “Also, you’re both invited to the party, Itachi you are invited to the party again.”

“Probably? And thank you, I’ll bring Sasuke” Itachi just shrugged and left.

“I won’t be going” Fox offered a shrug of indifference and left as well.

“Shit, Iruka can you pass me the phone.”

“Hm, I could.”

“You’re the asshole here, pass me the phone.”

“Why am I the asshole! I helped you get your body back!”

“And you lied to me, twice!”

“Fine” he grumbled to himself and put the phone down by their head.

“I also need you to push the buttons.”

“Sounds like I am being very helpful” he made direct eye contact with them as he pushed all the buttons.

“For an asshole, yes, you are.”

“Hello?” the Third Hokage answered the phone. 

“Hey Boss, so uh, really long story, but I’m gonna be late.”

“But you will be in?”

“Yeah once I can move my body.”

“Hm, should I ask?”

“Eh, it’s not a great story, just a long one. I’ll be there in an hour or so though.”

“Alright, I won’t have to call a temp then. Good luck with your, uh, body issues?”

“Thanks Boss, Iruka hang up the phone please.”

“Fine” he picked up the phone and hung it up. “But I’m not going to help you just because you can’t move.”

“Could you put me in a chair and then say that?”

He grumbled some more but obliged their request. Thanks to Itachi he was free from work for the day, so he decided to stick around and see their return to having a body.

“Ok there is no way” Rōzu was now able to move their legs a little. “There is no fucking way legs were this hard to use.”

“Just wait till you can move your arms to try and walk” Iruka had, against his own prior statement, picked them back up twice now.

“That is quitter talk!” they managed to drag themself out of the chair with just their legs alone, but not stand up. “This is progress!”

The next half hour crawled by, accompanied by Rōzu crawling on the floor. They could at least move all their limbs again now, just not particularly well. Iruka just watched, alternating between laughing and offering small bits of help. By the time they could finally stand fully it was only five minutes of their hour to be late. Iruka went back on his words once again and helped them walk to work. Along the way a question came to mind.

“Why did you hug her?” he’d been pretty surprised by it then, but had forgotten in the commotion of getting bodies back.

“What? Oh, I dunno.”

“Really?”

“I mean, I guess I know why, but it’s a little embarrassing.” 

“But the past hour of you crawling around wasn’t?”

“Ok, you’ve got me there. I thought it’s what you would’ve done.”

“What?” Iruka didn’t think they’d tried to emulate him ever. “I wouldn’t have, she stole your body and tried to kill us!”

“I mean, yeah that is very true, but I kinda get it you know? She died only getting to hold him once, I don’t think anyone would pass up a chance to be with their kid again. It wouldn't have felt right to me, even if I hate her.”

“I know what you mean” Iruka had empathized with her before, what she did might have been wrong, but he could understand why she did it. “Still, I don’t think I would’ve hugged her right then.”

“Oh don’t try and act tough” they punched him, a lot harder than intended. “Shit sorry, not used to having all my strength back.”

“All” he wheezed. “Good.”

“And I think you would have, as far as I can tell you’re still on the fence about me, but you’re still kind.”

“Whoa there, on the fence is a bit much, you evil schemer you.”

“Well this evil schemer appreciates you and your help.”

“Are you saying nice things? To me?”

“Well now not anymore, you’ve ruined the moment jerk” Rōzu took a few shaky steps on their own. “Plus I can get there on my own, I think.”

“Well alright, don’t push yourself too hard” He turned to head home. “And if you do need help later just call me.”

He stopped as they pulled on his arm. Confused, he turned back. It was awkward, but they pulled him close. His eyes widened as their lips met his. As quickly as it happened they pulled away. With that they left him, dazed and alone in the street.


	13. It's one children's birthday party, how dangerous could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said before, this and the next two are gonna be HEFTY chapters. I hope they're also good but like, that's on all ya'll to decide

Given everything that had happened on that day, Iruka decided to follow his instincts. He once again avoided Rōzu at every possible turn. They’d managed to get Mizuki to give him a party invite, which meant he had to go and see them. It was a few hours til the party would start, he was tempted to just avoid going altogether, but knew that would only hurt Naruto’s feelings. Full of turmoil, he was at the door of the only other friend he thought could offer some input on the situation.

“Hm?” Kakashi opened the door and turned a lazy eye to him. “Am I being collected for the party already?”

“No, but I will probably be back later for that too” Iruka wouldn’t let his typical tardiness ruin the party. “Can I come in? I want to talk with you about something.”

“Sure” he held the door open fully and gestured Iruka inside. “Take a seat wherever I’ll grab some snacks.”

He took a seat in a fairly old chair across from the couch. He hadn’t actually visited Kakashi before, but all of the furniture looked rough at best. Given how rarely he was actually home it probably didn’t matter too much to him, but Iruka made a note for possible presents in the future.

“So” Kakashi lounged on the couch, reaching into a bag of chips. “What’s up?”

“How much have you heard about the whole Rōzu situation?”

“Uh, that depends on which situation you mean?”

“The most recent one?”

“The party?”

“No um, they sort of got possessed?”

“Ah, news to me” if he was surprised by this news Kakashi failed to show it. “I assume that got resolved?”

“Yeah it was kind of a whole” Iruka waved his hand trying to think of a good word to describe what had happened. “Thing?”

“It sure sounds like it was a thing.”

“Right, but why I’m here today is because of what they did after that got resolved.”

“Did they get double possessed?”

“No the-”

“Aliens?”

“Again, n-”

“Master plan reveal?”

“I will say it if y-”

“They were actually just a Naruto clone in disguise all along?”

“THEY KISSED ME!” annoyed by his guessing Iruka snapped a little bit.

“Hm” this actually made Kakashi sit up. “In a friendly way?”

“No! Like in an on the lips way!”

“This is bad news.”

“It is?” Iruka had thought so, but didn’t expect anyone else to agree. “I mean, yes! It is! What am I supposed to do when I see them at the party!”

“I assume you’ve been avoiding them since the kiss?”

“Obviously!”

“Hm, have you tried telling them you’re not interested?”

“What?” that thought hadn’t actually crossed his mind, he’d been too busy thinking of how much more annoying Mizuki would get if he heard about it. “I mean, I haven’t?”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Interested?” Kakashi was taking this much more seriously than Iruka had expected, had he accidentally wound up in a love triangle?

“Uh, no? I mean, no.”

“Really, you sounded incredibly convincing just now but I’d like to double check.”

“Well, I dunno, I never thought about it really. I’ve never actually, you know.”

“Kissed? Dated? Ate eel?”

“I mean all of those but specifically the dating one” he didn’t like that Kakashi knew about his avoidance of eel.

“I see” Kakashi leaned back, looking upwards deep in thought.

The two sat in silence for a few moments. Iruka was trying to think of something to say to get out of the love triangle he’d found his way into. A polite way to let Kakashi know he didn’t mean to infringe upon the two of them and their thing. 

“I have a solution” Kakashi fiddled with his mask.

“You do?” Iruka liked the definitive tone he’d said that in.

“Yes, I’ll just need you to close your eyes for a few moments though.”

“Uh” he was a little less sure about that. “Is that really necessary?”

“I’m afraid it is very necessary.”

“Alright” he trusted Kakashi enough to go along with this.

With his eyes closed he heard a draw open a little bit away. It sounded like Kakashi retrieved something from it. A few moments later he felt Kakashi’s hand on his shoulder. Turning towards where he approximated he’d be standing, Iruka opened his mouth to say something. Before he could make a sound he felt something press against his lips. He was frozen in place for a moment, before he snapped his eyes open and jumped away.

“AH!” he pointed an accusing finger at the somehow already re-masked Kakashi.

“I know mango lip balm isn’t the best” he looked at a small tube he had in hand. “But does it really taste that bad?”

“WHY DID YOU KISS ME!”

“Oh, you know, it seems like everyone who’s anyone is doing it.”

Unable to enunciate a coherent thought, Iruka pointed between the two of them. Satisfied with the message he’d conveyed, Iruka then stormed out of the house.

“See you at the party!” Kakashi waved him off.

Even more confused and distressed Iruka had no idea who to turn to for help. Both of his only non-work friends had now kissed him, he could barely process one doing so, but two! In a stroke of luck, and probably even greater misfortune, he ran into the hiding Jiraya.

“Avoiding people as well?” after a short panic Jiraya pulled them both into a nearby bush.

“Yep, why are you?” Iruka had expected him to never return after his sudden departure.

“I’m here to deliver an age appropriate gift and then flee before Kushina can end my life.”

“Oh, we actually got rid of her about a week ago.”

“Oh in that case, I’m here to deliver an age appropriate gift and flee before Rōzu hurts me.”

“I don’t think they’d'' Iruka paused, it was actually very likely they would hurt Jiraya at least a lot. “Not give you a head start at least?”

“Doubtful, what about you? Having people trouble?”

“Shockingly” of all the people in the world, Iruka did not want to discuss this with Jiraya, he was tragically out of options though. “Yes.”

“Oh, do tell.”

“Well, apparently out of all two of my friends, there are zero who do not want to kiss me.”

“Oh, I can’t see where the problem is here.”

“It’s Kakashi and Rōzu.”

“Oh nice, Kakashi is a real hottie.”

Iruka sighed heavily. He wasn’t sure why he even bothered bringing this up to Jiraya.

“The problem is I don’t want them both kissing me!”

“Then just say that, I assume they’d both take the message and cut it out.”

“Well yeah I’m sure they would.”

“But?”

“There’s not but!”

“Then why haven’t you just done that instead of staying in the bush with me?”

“Fine, there’s a but.”

“There’s always a but.”

“They’re both nice, and I enjoy being with them, but we’re friends! Isn’t it like the worst idea to try and date a friend?”

“I’ve heard as much, yeah, so you want out of this triangle situation?”

“I’m pretty sure I do.”

“Well, I think the answer is the same then, just tell them both that” Iruka was getting annoyed with all this advice related to discussing things like that.

“But why would they both do this! Do they not care about the friendships?”

“Ok now you’re reaching. What prompted the kisses?”

“What?”

“What happened before they both kissed you.”

“Oh well, I was helping Rōzu get to work after we got them free of Kushina. They also said some pretty nice things about me, but I did just save their life so I feel like that isn’t a good indicator.”

“You don’t see the romantic moment that was clearly there? After saving them, a damsel of sorts, from distress?”

“No?” Iruka didn’t find anything romantic about watching them flail around on the floor for an hour.

“Are you serious?” Jiraya held his head. “This is like textbook romantic stuff! Who educated you in the language of love?”

“Uh, no one?” he wasn’t a fan of having Jiraya hold his head and shout at him.

“Of course, long story short, saving someone from peril is a classic lead up to a romantic breakthrough! Especially if there were some underlying signs of a potential romance beforehand.”

“Uh, when you put it like that, I guess?” Iruka was very lost with where this conversation was going, and was hoping to just move it along. “But with Kakahsi he did it after I told him about that kiss! So no life saving or anything there!”

“Oh easy, he heard about the competition and is making sure he’s a contender.”

“That’s not…” Kakashi had said something that could be interpreted as that after said kiss.

“That’s exactly what happened isn’t it.”

“Well fine! But I need help still! What am I supposed to do about all of this!”

“Tell them you’re not interested still seems like a pretty good idea.”

“What if I” Iruka did not want to admit to any kind of feelings, especially to Jiraya. “Might be interested, you know, one day or whatever.”

“Listen” Jiraya put a hand on his shoulder. “The way I see it, you really only have two choices. Option one: turn them both down since you’re not interested right now, if that changes then it changes but you gotta make a decision sooner rather than later about all this to be fair to them. Option two: reciprocate both of their feelings and have a threesome, becoming the coolest guy in the village.”

“What?”

“What?”

“How does that, no I’m just going to ignore that option.”

“Fine, don’t be a cool guy, but still have a threesome.”

“I am distraught about being kissed! Do you really think I could handle that!”

“If you were a cool guy, yes.”

“Focus!” Iruka grabbed Jiraya’s head now. “What am I supposed to do!”

“Listen, you’re clearly overthinking things, and ignoring the one piece of advice I’ve actually given you. Just follow your instincts.”

“Skip town and change my name?”

“Ok not those instincts. Just be honest with them both and hope for the best.”

“I can do that I think.”

“When I say be honest I don’t mean tell them you’re planning on skipping town and changing your name.”

“I cannot do that then.”

“Listen” Jiraya held his head once again. “Just tell these two other adults, as you are also an adult and capable of communicating your feelings, your feelings. Worst Case scenario, they get a little mad at you for a little bit and then you all stay friends or whatever.”

“Alright” Iruka felt very silly as he both held Jiraya’s head and had his own head held. “I can do that. I am an adult!”

“You have some real big issues guy.”

“I am very aware of that.”

“Good, now then, I’ll leave this with you” Jiraya handed him a wrapped up gift. “And then I’ll skip town to avoid an ass whooping. Goodluck I guess.”

In an attempt to delay the inevitable, Iruka decided to just wait at home. He hoped by not getting Kakashi he’d be late to the party, giving him a chance to split up talking to them both. He also really hoped whatever Jiraya had put in this box was actually age appropriate, because he did not feel safe as the one delivering it. As his clock tolled for three, he grabbed his own gift and steeled his resolve. To help steel his resolve further, he took the long way to where they were holding the party. He ended up getting there a half hour late, and from the sound of it, was one of the last people to arrive. It was for the best Jiraya wasn’t there to see the pinata in his likeness get beaten down by twenty children. The various chaperones who’d come along were all mingling by the tables that had been set up. After a quick scan of the area, he couldn’t see Rōzu or Kakashi anywhere. As two arms looped with his own he froze in terror.

“Hey there’s our favorite guy” Rōzu had grabbed his left arm.

“Can’t believe you’d show up late to a child’s birthday party Iruka” Kakashi had his right.

“Sorry I don’t know you” having learned from before, Iruka had also brought a log to swap with. “Something else came up, those are from me and Jiraiya bye!”

As he turned to run he was scooped over the shoulder of one Might Guy. Unable to get free of his grip, Iruka let out a sigh of defeat.

“Sorry I’m late!” Guy jogged over to the other two holding Iruka. “I got carried away with my workout and didn’t notice the time.”

“All good, and thanks for catching this run away” Rōzu took the gift Guy produced as well as the other two from the floor. “Kakashi can show you where the snacks are!”

If he’d made a list of the worst possible ways to try and handle this, he’d put what he’d done as the actual worst way. He tried not to make eye contact with anyone while Guy brought him over to an empty seat. On top of everything else, now all of his students and their family members had seen that. He was sure it couldn’t get worse.

“Hey man!” Mizuki sat on the table next to him. “Can’t believe you were late to this! That is not going to get you any favors with Rōzu if you know what I mean.”

“Mizuki.”

“Yea?”

“Can you let me wallow for like, two minutes?”

“Sure thing man” Mizuki hopped off the table to go talk with someone else.

“Thanks bud” now alone, Iruka began to wallow.

Just as the wallow set on hard, he was broken out of it very rudely. Naruto had pegged him with a water balloon. Now dripping wet, he decided to stop wallowing. He wasn’t on the clock, and the opinions of anyone here of him couldn’t really get much lower. So he grabbed some water balloons of his own.

“Well Naruto” he stared down at the boy, bouncing a balloon in hand. “Time to see if you’ve done the strategy assignments for this month.”

“Oh no” Naruto had never felt fear like he did then, his short life began to flash before his eyes as he fled.

It turned out most of the other kids had thrown balloons at other adults as well, soon enough the party was a warzone. Kin turned on kin, it was horrible. Itachi fell for Sasuke’s false surrender and had a balloon detonated point blank, taking him out. Kiba and Akamaru had tried to perform a sneak attack on Hiashi, only for him to catch the balloon and return fire. Throughout it all Iruka had stuck to Naruto, raining down hell from on high. He’d kept the boy pinned down behind an overturned table for a few minutes now but was low on balloons.

“Give it up! You’re trapped Naruto!”

“Never!” Naruto leapt out from his cover to try and rush Iruka for a last ditch attempt.

Before his foot even hit the ground he was hit. He began to fall, the world slowing down around him.

“War” he held out a hand to the sky, a single tear drop running down his face. “War never changes.”

“NOOOOO” Sasuke knelt by his fallen comrade, crying out to the heavens.

“They have really gotten into those after school acting classes” Itachi watched Sasuke ‘mourn’ Naruto’s ‘death,’ from the out zone with Rōzu. 

“Naruto was born to act, he can cry on command” they were setting up some more snacks onto the few safe tables. “If being a ninja doesn’t work out he’s gonna be a star.”

“Sasuke he’s not actually dead” Iruka, who did not know about their acting classes, had actually been sold on the act. “It’s just water.”

“GOT YOU” Sasuke broke the act and splattered a balloon in Iruka’s face, hitting him hard enough to knock him over. “NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE!”

Iruka was speechless as Sasuke raced off to aid his fellow children in the battle. He would’ve expected that from Naruto, but he’d just been caught entirely off guard by Sasuke. It was only when Rōzu brought Naruto a juice pouch that he managed to break out of his stupor. Luckily it was just in time for him to catch the pouch tossed to him.

“Dang I wanted to get you in the head too” Rōzu frowned at his save. 

“I thought you were on my side of this war!”

“I am an impartial third party that is using it to profit by supplying the balloons. I take no sides other than my own.”

“I feel like” now that he was out, Iruka could acknowledge how dark everyone had gotten during the war. “We’ve all taken this too far.”

“It’s easy to have regrets when you’re dead” Naruto said this between drinking his juice. “I wish I’d eaten more ramen.”

“Sorry Kiddo” they ruffled his hair. “Ramen’s only for winners.”

“But, but” his eyes filled with tears.

“Nope, I’m not Iruka, I won’t fall for that.”

“Dammit, fine” Naruto wiped away the tears and headed over to the outzone.

“Hey!” Iruka wasn’t that gullible. 

“Hm?” Rōzu leveled their gaze on him. “Got something to say? Or are you gonna try and run off again?”

“I…” He was shamed into silence.

“Thought so” they pulled him to his feet. “Come on, I can grab you a towel while everyone else finishes up.”

Left without much else to do, Iruka followed them. He watched the rest of the war finish up, it came down to Shikamaru and a few other kids against Hiashi. Iruka thought it was kind of rude that he was using his Byakugan against literal children, but was way too scared of the man to bring it up. Finally the children managed to defeat him, using Hinata as a means to catch him off guard and end his reign.

“Alright everyone find a seat now that you’re done with the war” Rōzu brought out the cake. “Also uh, sorry there is definitely not enough cake for everyone, sort of my bad!”

They put down the ramen bowl shaped cake in front of Naruto. There were seven candles stuck in it. 

“Can you light it up for me Itachi? I didn’t actually bring a lighter.”

“I can” he flashed through some handseals and puffed out a few small fireballs to light the candles.

“Thanks! Alright Naruto, if I remember right you make a wish, but don’t share it, and then blow out the candles.”

“Wait, we have to sing him a birthday song first!” Kiba used his hand to cover Naruto’s mouth and prevent the blowing out of candles.

“Uh” Rōzu looked around, clearly unsure of that. “If you say so?”

“Yes!” he stood up on a chair and cleared his throat. “Everyone!”

If anyone had expected this rendition of Happy Birthday to be good, they were very wrong. Kiba was constantly changing the pace he was singing it, throwing off everyone trying to follow his lead. Most of the adults were mumbling through it, and the kids were loudly singing along itnlots of discordant pitches. Rōzu was somehow getting the words wrong? Iruka guessed they’d somehow never heard of this song. All in all, Iruka thought it was probably the worst singing he’d ever heard. Looking at Naruto though, he stopped caring about it and couldn’t help but smile. As the singing ended there was a pause, Naruto clearly didn’t know what was supposed to happen next, and neither did Rōzu.

“Now he makes a wish?” they looked around trying to gauge if that was correct.

“Yes!” Kiba took it upon himself to make sure all the birthday traditions were followed.

As the candles went out there were a few cheers with varying excitement levels from the crowd. There were more cheers as cake pieces were passed out to the kids, thanks to some expert slicing there was enough for all of them. As a lull formed over the party Iruka for the first time noticed that Third Hokage was also there. He then also realized he had, in his pursuit of Naruto, pelted the leader of the village with a few balloons. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t be making jonin for quite awhile. 

“I think it’s time these old bones head home” almost as if prompted by his look, Sarutobi bid his farewell. “Take care everyone.”

Everyone at the party stopped to quickly say goodbye to him in turn. There was then another silence as the party waited for him to be out of earshot.

“Did anyone know he was here?” Choza had also not noticed him. 

There was a quick chorus of “No” from the group. He’d somehow managed to slip in undetected, and early enough to be in the war.

“Not to be rude” Shikaku put a hand on Iruka’s shoulder. “But you’re definitely in trouble with him.”

“Yeah I know” Iruka was already pre-stressed about what the Hokage might do to get back at him.

“The Hyuugas” Hiashi was referring to himself and Hinata, they had thankfully not brought the whole clan. “Will also be heading home now, thank you for hosting the party.”

Over the next half hour most of the guests trickled out as well. Only a few stayed back to help clean up. Unfortunately for Iruka, Kakashi and Mizuki both decided to stay back as well.

“This ruled!” Mizuki had apparently had an amazing time at the party. “I cannot wait to see what crazy shit the next family to throw a party does.”

“I don’t think we’ll get invited to a clan party” Iruka was sticking to his coworker to avoid dealing with Kakashi and Rōzu. 

“But this is like the precedent setter for future parties, it would now be rude if we weren’t.”

“I don’t think it works like that.”

“Well, we’ll find out come December then.”

“Do you have the students' birthdays memorized?”

“Do you not?”

“Well no, but like, it’s in their files.”

“Bro we’ve taught these kids for like two years now.”

“There’s a lot of them!”

“Bro” Mizuki shook his head, disappointment clearly showing in his eyes.

Almost too soon most of the trash was taken care of. Rōzu had closed up and collected the tables, Kakashi packed up the leftovers. Iruka saw this as a good chance to leave since they were pretty much done.

“Hey you two” before he could say something Rōzu called out to them. “You can probably head home, there’s not too much left to clean up now.”

“You sure?” Iruka wanted to really sell this. “I’m free the rest of the day so I can stick around some more.”

“You sly dog you” Mizuki winked over to him. “Yeah he mentioned some paperwork for you I think? But I’ll be heading out then, thanks for the invite!”

Iruka could feel a blood vessel pop in his head as Mizuki left, flashing him some finger guns on the sly. 

“Oh paperwork? Like for the area we used?”

“Uh” Iruka tried to come up with a lie to cancel out this lie.

“Yup!” Mizuki yelled this from a bit down the road.

“Oh cool, I was a lil busy being possessed so I’m sure I missed some” they gave him a light jab on the arm. “Thanks for all the help setting this up, I am way out of my depths here.”

“Of course” he wasn’t happy to be stuck here longer, but he figured it was a sign to just get through all this now instead of putting it off.

With everything else taken care of, the last thing to do was bring the gifts and other things back. The sound of some light snoring tipped Iruka off that someone would need to carry Naruto back as well.

“You know usually kids open the gifts during the party right?’ he brought the sleeping boy over to the other two.

“What?” Rōzu clearly did not know that. “Isn’t that weird? Like one kid is just there opening stuff up while everyone else is just watching?”

“I mean, when you say it like that yeah kind of, but it’s what happens.”

“Man birthday parties are weird.”

“Amen.”

“Neither of you have had a birthday party?” Iruka could believe one of them, but both?

“Been an orphan since I was five, what do you want from me” Kakashi had him there.

“My family didn’t do birthdays so yea” they gave him a half-hearted shrug.

Iruka decided to just drop this, since it was only going to go into a very sad territory. He passed Naruto over to Rōzu and helped move some of the gifts with Kakashi. This was the first time he’d actually looked at them for longer than a few seconds in a week.

“Some of your hair is still red?” there was only a streak of it now, which is probably why he didn’t notice before.

“Oh yea” they pulled it up a little. “The rest went back to normal the next day, but this lil bit is still here. It probably means there’s still a little bit of her in me, but I’m no expert on this stuff.”

“We could probably find Fox again to check?” He didn’t want another possession to happen.

“Eh, I’m not really worried about it” they flashed a grin and flexed a muscle at him. “My limiters are still off and I’ve actually had time to get some of the rust off. I dare her to try me.”

“Uh huh” he felt his face get a little warm and looked away. 

The walk to the Uzumaki residence was quick, something he was very thankful for. They left the gifts in Naruto’s room, Rōzu tucked him into bed while they waited out in the living room. A pit formed in his stomach.

“Oh you didn’t actually just bolt off?” they clearly had expected him to. 

“I assume Guy is waiting outside if I try to” Iruka was still scarred from being carried by the man.

“I did tell him to stand by just incase” Kakashi could very well be serious, it was hard to tell.

“Listen, I’m not really, I don’t, you both kissed me” Iruka hadn’t really prepared anything to say and was floundering. 

“This is true?" Rōzu looked over at Kakashi for confirmation.

“Yep.”

“And I’m, uh, flattered?”

“You are?”

“Yes?”

“You sound very sure of that.”

“I told Kakashi before, but I haven’t ever, well, done any of this stuff before.”

“This stuff?” Rōzu wasn’t too clear on what that meant.

“He means kissing, dating, and eating eel.”

“You’ve never tried eel?”

“That is not important right now!”

“I didn’t expect the eel to be that touchy of a subject.”

“Can you both maybe stop joking around?”

“Hm, I’ll get back to you on that, how’s next week sound?” he did deserve that one.

“Ok look, yeah I admit I probably shouldn’t have avoided you for a week, but I was very confused! You kissed me!”

“You mentioned that yeah.”

“Why!”

“I wanted to?”

“Why!”

“Because!”

“Because why!”

“Ok” Kakashi held a hand up to both of them. “I see the two most emotionally open people are trying to speak, but maybe we try a different approach.”

“Like?” Iruka felt like this was going just fine as is.

“Rōzu, did you perhaps kiss him due to having ‘feelings’ for him” Kakashi put air quotes around the word.

“I may have. Who wants to know?

“Me!”

“Iruka please wait your turn. For the record, Iruka would like to know.”

“It has been added to the record.”

“Thank you, I would also like to know.”

“Fine, I did in fact kiss him due to the previously mentioned feelings.”

“How do you feel towards him now?”

“A little annoyed.”

“Understandable” Kakashi turned to Iruka. “How do you feel towards Rōzu?”

“I” Iruka really didn’t think about that. “I don’t know? We’re friends?”

“So you’d prefer if they didn’t kiss you?”

“Well, I mean, I guess?”

“You guess?”

“They are nice, and I enjoy having them as a friend, but I don’t think I’m really in a place to date anyone?”

“Iruka” Rōzu spoke up, ignoring Kakashi’s shush hand. “You could’ve just told me that. You’re a good guy and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I know” he’d had that hammered into him by more than one person today. “I just don't know if that’ll be true forever?”

“Well obviously, I am incredible and it is only a matter of time till you fall in love with me.”

“But that’s fine? With both of you? If we just, maybe put a hold on any of this kissing and relationship stuff?”

“I can play the long game for a bit longer if need be” Kakashi gave him a thumbs up. 

“Yeah to get my sloppy seconds maybe” they gave him a playful punch. 

“I…” Iruka really hadn’t expected this. “Thank you.”

“Oh don’t be corny. We’re your friends first.”

“Well maybe you are, but I’m a love interest first and foremost” Kakashi said that with absolute certainty. 

Iruka laughed at that, it wasn’t too funny, but combined with the absurdity of how he’d been acting, he couldn’t help but laugh. The lack of ill will towards him from either of them was hopefully a good sign for things to come. 


	14. Incident at the Uchiha district

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another big one! One more chapter befor a small hiatus for this so I can try to wrap up some other stories.

At roughly two in the afternoon on Tuesday November fourteenth the Uchiha district was consumed by flames. As members of the ANBU and Military police force arrived on the scene they encountered thirty displaced civilians from the district. One hour later when the fire had been suppressed six other survivors were recovered. The accounts of two of them are provided below to explain the events that caused the fire. 

**Iruka Umino:**

It was one of the last nice days before the winter was going to actually set it, so Iruka and Mizuki had been talked into having class outside. As he’d expected, this meant there was an hour of actual class and the rest of the day was used to just enjoy the weather. After the exam the previous day he’d decided the class had earned it. As two military police dropped into the class he double checked the schedule for a safety drill they might have forgotten about.

“Sorry, we must have missed today for the schedule” Iruka decided to just bite the bullet and admit this one. “What’s the drill today?”

“No drill today, we’re actually here to take one of the students” she pulled out some papers for him. “Standard procedure for incidents like this.”

“Oh uh” Iruka tried to flip through the thirty pages he’d been handed. “Which student? Is everything alright?”

“Everythings fine for now, Naruto’s mother reported some suspicious people outside their home and one of them was apprehended. Just to be safe we want to make sure Naruto is somewhere a bit more secure as well.”

“Oh god” he’d given up on the papers and just stashed them in a pouch. “I’ll go grab his things. Mizuki can help you both get him ready to go.”

“Much appreciated” she and her partner headed over to Mizuki while he went back inside.

Given the few people he could think of that would be lurking after the Uzumaki family Iruka was fairly worried. He packed up Naruto’s things and put in a flash tag, as well as instructions of its proper use, to feel a little better about everything. With everything together he rushed back outside to the officers and Naruto.

“I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!” Naruto was clinging to a tree.

“Again, we are not here to arrest you!” the one officer had clearly expected this to be easier. “Just to escort you to safety.”

“I HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY!” Rōzu had really engrained some questionable things into the boy.

“Naruto it’s alright!” Iruka decided to speed this along. “They are just here to help out.”

“Iruka, come a little closer please” Naruto shifted behind the tree so they had some privacy. “Mom has always said cops aren’t to be trusted.”

“Of course they have” this would be a talk for Rōzu later. “But they are here because Rōzu went to them for help and are just trying to make sure you’re safe.”

“Promise?” his gaze shifted between the officers and Iruka.

“Promise” he handed the bag over. “And in case something happens, I gave you a little gift, only to be used for emergencies!”

“Oh?” Naruto quickly opened the bag and saw the gift. “Deal. Take me away, coppers.”

“Again, not why” she looked at his outstretched arms. “Sure, whatever, bag him and tag him.”

“Right” the other officer cuffed him.

“Thanks for the help, it’s a nice change of pace to have people cooperate.”

“Anytime officers!” Iruka made sure to set a good example for all of the kids watching.

“Wow” Mizuki came over to him as the three left. “You sure can be a boot licker.”

“What?”

“Just saying, you were awful chummy with those pigs.”

“Mizuki, they are officers of the law, complying with their requests is not being chummy.”

“Whatever you say man, I’m just saying this is not a good look on you. Nobody loves a boot licker.”

“Whatever” Iruka decided to just ignore him and keep an eye on the other students, better safe than sorry.

Once he was sure they were all there and that no one was lurking in the shadows, he decided to read over the papers he’d been given. The first two pages were actual incident reports, the other twenty eight were just full of random jargon and nonsense to look like an actual report. He didn’t think that was a good sign.

“Uh, Iruka” Mizuki sounded a little afraid as he called out. “I think someone is here to see you.”

Expecting a very furious Rōzu after he’d just handed their son off, Iruka prepared for the worst. He did not prepare for a rather beaten up Itachi to limp his way out of the woods.

“Naruto.”

“Uh?”

“Is he here?” Itachi was looking around, eyes red.

“No, some cops just took him away and gave me a fake incident report.”

“Fuck” Itachi started off in the direction Iruka pointed. “Keep Sasuke here.”

“What?” Iruka started following him. “Can you explain what’s going on?”

“No.”

“Mizuki get the kids inside!”

“On it! You heard him inside everyone!”

“You too” Itachi tried to wave him off.

“No I just sent Naruto off with some fake cops apparently so I’m going too.”

“They aren’t fake cops” he sighed and rubbed his forehead. “They came here to get Naruto as part of my father’s orders. The village is about to become a very unsafe place and I need you to keep an eye on Sasuke.”

“He’s with Mizuki he’ll be fine, if this is related to Naruto then I’m coming too” Iruka put an arm over Itachi’s shoulder to help him walk faster. 

“Fine.”

Itachi brought them back to the Uchiha District, Iruka had only been here one other time but could tell things were off. The district housed too many people for them to be the only ones on the street. They stopped at the entrance to the Clan head’s house.

“Things aren’t going to be easy from here” Itachi took Iruka’s arm off him and stretched his leg.

“We likely won’t have any backup and will be greatly outnumbered.”

“What is about to happen?” Iruka grabbed a kunai, even if Itachi hadn’t warned him he could feel it in the air.

“The Uchiha clan is planning a coup, my father believes he can control the nine-tails and force the village to surrender. Almost every Uchiha ninja in the village will be between us and him.”

“Oh” he almost would have preferred not hearing that. “Great.”

“Don’t look anyone in the eyes.”

With that piece of advice the two crossed the threshold and were within Itachi’s home. Just like outside it was eerily quiet. Itachi took the lead and checked around the corner. As he pressed against the wall two arms burst through it attempting to grab hold of him. As they connected he burst into a flock of crows.

“Behind you” reforming across the room Itachi blasted the wall with flames.

Heeding the warning Iruka spun around in time to block an incoming kunai. Two more Uchiha were now blocking the entrance. He could recognize the seals the one started as a fire jutsu and prepared his own counter attack. 

“Water Release: Gunshot” borrowing this move from Rōzu, Iruka blasted the two of them out of the house. 

“Come on” Itachi pulled him along past the smoking body in the wall. “They’ll be down below in the meeting chamber, I have a secret way in.”

Picking up the pace the two arrived in a small courtyard within the house. Itachi surveyed the area and nodded, producing a handful of explosive tags.

“Put these four over there” he thrust some into Iruka's hand and pointed.

“Is thi-”

“Do it.”

“Right” following the instructions Iruka set the tags up.

Once they were set up Itachi hopped onto a rooftop. Iruka followed suit and braced for the impact. As Itachi set them off the entire building shook, smoke blocked his vision but Iruka assumed it worked from the sound. The smoke was cleared a moment later by a massive blast of wind. The few ninja who’d blasted the wind out then leapt up from the hole towards them.

“Stop” as Fugaku spoke up the four backed off. “Itachi.”

“Father.”

“Sasuke’s teacher?”

“That’s correct” Iruka wished he had a cool thing to say here instead of that.

“I take it you’re not going to reconsider which side you’re on?” Fugaku went back to addressing Itachi.

“This entire idea is insane, so no.”

“Fine then” Fugaku leapt up onto the rooftop as well. “The rest of you handle this other guy.”

“I’ll handle him, find Naruto” Itachi gripped a kunai and stared down his father.

“Just me versus this small army of ninjas” Iruka steeled his resolve. 

Leaping down, Iruka managed to evade an initial attack from the other four. Using the sound of his landing he scanned the room, Naruto wasn’t here. Dodging to the side he managed to avoid a direct hit from a fireball but was still thrown back by it’s detonation. Landing on the far side of the room he could see the exit, just past the four ninja trying to kill him. 

“Any chance you all could just let me get over there?” he figured it’d be worth a shot.

Instead of replying the four of them prepped another combined fire attack. Iruka grit his teeth, he had one option. Waiting until the flames blocked their sight of him, Iruka channeled his chakra and used the Hiding Like a Mole technique. He owed Kakashi one for this save, as he managed to sink into the earth only partially singed. As quickly as he could he moved forward, when he was sure he was behind the four he grabbed two flash tags and threw them up. Once they detonated he emerged as well and rushed out of the room, leaving the four blinded ninja lashing out after him.

“If I were a secret basement, where would I hide Naruto?” he sprinted down the hallway looking for any other rooms.

“This sucks!” the voice of one annoyed Naruto tipped him off. “I’m bored!”

“Tough” there was one other voice in the room.

As quietly as he could, Iruka approached the door. Listening against it he was pretty sure it was just the two of them in there. He really hoped whoever it was didn’t have their sharingan on. 

“I’m here for the boy” transformed to look like Fugaku, Iruka entered the room.

“What?” the sole guard, who thankfully didn’t have red eyes, turned to face him. “Oh uh, sorry sir!”

“At ease” he hoped that was a thing that made sense to say. “We’re moving locations, someone is compromised. I’ll be taking Naruto myself.”

“Are you sure sir? I thought it was my job to watch him?”

“It was yes, but plans have changed. I need you running distraction at the Hokage’s office.”

“Is that a good idea sir?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course sir!”

“Then get your ass over there double time!” Iruka hoped Fugake talked like this.

“Yes sir!” the guard sprinted out of the room, thankfully away from the rubble filled room.

“Oh thank god” Iruka shut the door and dropped the transformation. 

“Iruka?”

“Yeah uh, so it turns out you can’t trust cops. I’m here to rescue you.”

“I knew it! And why?”

“That is a very long story” Iruke grabbed his hand. “For now, I need to sneak you past a lot of very dangerous people somehow.”

“Hey wait a second” the guard came back into the room. “This is a test right?”

“You failed it” Iruka smashed his head hard on the wall, noting that cool line down for later, he grabbed Naruto and started to run.

The hallways looked identical and he had no idea where he was going. Even finding the meeting room wasn’t an option now. He looked up at the ceiling to the hallway, he only had two explosive tags. Sticking them to the ceiling and pulled Naruto back to the last turn.

“Do not ever do this ok” Iruka did not want him blowing up buildings.

“Do what?” 

The tags blew, blowing a hole to somewhere.

“That.”

“No promises.”

Hearing footsteps, Iruka threw Naruto up the hole before jumping through it himself. He looked at the now destroyed dining room and felt a little bad about it. Not bad enough to stop him from kicking down the door to get outside faster, but still kind of bad.

“Told you, if we just wait out here he’ll show up” one of the four from before cut off their path.

“Shit” they were now surrounded by some people that were very angry with Iruka.

“Hey language!” one of them pointed at Naruto.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah man he’s like six.”

“Actually he’s seven as of last month” Iruka stared at Rōzu, who was a little singed, but also here.

“Oh thanks” this man turned to face them.

“Yea no problem” they smashed a haymaker into his head, dropping him.

“Shit!” one the other three started the handseals for a fireball.

“LANGUAGE” before she could finish the seals Rōzu smashed a fist into her stomach. “I just told you he’s seven!”

The other two moved in, forcing Rōzu to back off to where Iruka still was. They reached into his kunai pouch and took two.

“Really?”

“I don’t have my own!”

“You really shouldn’t talk this much in a fight you know” one of the men dashed at them.

“I’ll talk as much as I-”

They were cut off as he fired off a point blank fireball on them. Iruka covered Naruto’s eyes as he jumped back. The other woman tried to cut him off only to be knocked down by Rōzu. The smoke from the blast cleared to reveal a badly burnt log.

“Man, these guys are like really weak” they prodded his side. “I thought you were actually in danger, sorry I should’ve let you handle this.”

“Uh” Iruka had assumed they were fairly strong, but had admittedly thought he was still the stronger of them both. “Yeah I just wanted to uh, you know, give them a chance.”

“Man you really are a nice guy.”

“I wanna see the fight!” Naruto pulled Iruka’s hands away and pouted. “Dammit I missed it!”

“Forgetting someone?” the final guy clearly didn’t like being overlooked.

“Hm, can’t say I am?” they nonchalantly tossed a kunai through his one foot.

“FUCK!” he roared in pain, reflexively reaching down to his foot.

“How many times do I have to say this!” Rōzu took this chance to kick him in the face, very painfully ripping his foot free as he was thrown back. “Language!”

With this situation handled much faster than he expected, Iruka hoped they were home free. As Itachi was thrown over to them he swore, he always had to go and jinx it.

“I see you got my bird” he picked himself up and looked back to his father.

“Yeah it got the message across” they also looked at Fugaku. “I take it he’s the reason my son was kidnapped?”

“More or less.”

“Good enough for me.”

“Well so much for a quick and harmless revolution” Fugaku looked down at them all from his rooftop vantage. “But I suppose there’s really never been one of those before.”

“Keep the kids down here” Rōzu gave Iruka this order and hopped onto the rooftop.

**Rōzu Uzumaki:**

It had been a very slow morning at the Hokage Tower, Rōzu had mostly spent it organizing the older files from before they’d started there. Thanks to the open window there was a little extra fun added to this from the occasional gust of wind that would throw loose papers around. It was also thanks to the window that they’d been able to get a visit from a little birdie.

“CAW” the crow got their attention as it best knew how to.

“HOLY FUCK” Rōzu in one quick action ruined a lot of the days work after being startled by the bird. “Well, this better be important bird.”

The bird’s reply was to lock one sharingan eye with one of theirs. It conveyed a message from Itachi about the current situation going on within the Uchiha clan. It also told them to meet him at the Uzumaki residence once he retrieved Naruto, as well as where to go if he wasn’t there.

“Fuck!” they scrambled to the window as the bird hopped to the side to make room. “Bird! Stay here and organize these papers!”

“CAW!”

Getting back home was easy enough, Rōzu has forgone reapplying the limiters and thanks to Kakashi was back up to snuff. Seeing the door already opened they barreled through it startling the military police officer that was inside. Wasting no time, Rōzu tackled the officer and pinned him to the floor.

“Talk fast and I won’t maim you, where’s my son?”

“Go to hell!”

“Hm, not very helpful” they gripped his left bicep. “Is this your favorite arm?”

“Uh, no?”

“Oh ok” they grabbed his right bicep and with a quick application of force, snapped his humerus.

“FUCK! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE ARM!”

“START TALKING BEFORE I GET THE OTHER BONES IN IT THEN!” they grabbed his right forearm.

“OK OK!” he took some deep breaths. “I was supposed to wait here in case the academy team failed to get the nine-tails host. He’s either still there or already at the compound.”

“Wow, you broke shockingly fast” given Itachi’s explanation of the situation, Rōzu had expected a bit more devout loyalty.

“In all honesty, I wasn’t very sold on the whole revolution plan. I am less sold on it without my favorite arm.”

“Well good on you man” they smashed his head into the ground to knock him out. 

After tying him up they locked the place up. Confident that Iruka wouldn’t just hand Naruto off to some random people without a fight they headed to the academy. Seeing no signs of a fight or any of the students they tried to get inside the building.

“FUCK!” the electrified door stopped that plan very quickly.

“YOU’RE NOT GETTIN” Mizuki kicked the door open and paused seeing the convulsing Rōzu on the floor. “Oh shit, you aren’t here to kidnap any students right?”

“NO!” they managed to get that out through the convulsions.

After a few moments of convulsing and another few minutes of some minor healing jutsu from Mizuki they were back on their feet. He’d also filled them in on what’d gone down at the academy.

“He gave my son” Rōzu couldn’t believe Iruka had done the one thing they’d expected him not to do. “To some random cops?”

“Yeah, I told him he was being a bootlicker for going along with them.”

“God, I'm glad one of my son's teachers has a good head on his shoulders.”

“I try” Mizuki made a note of them saying that. 

“Ok, I’m gonna head over to the Uchiha district, good luck over here” they headed off.

“Thanks, and if you see Sasuke can you send him back here?” Mizuki calling out made them stop. “I’m pretty sure I heard Itachi mention keeping him safe and I am so afraid of that dude.”

“You lost a kid?”

“No! He was here when I brought everyone inside and now he’s kind of gone.”

“So you lost him.”

“LOOK! At least I didn’t give him away to some cops.”

“Tell that to Itachi” Now worried about two children, Rōzu headed over as fast as they could.

Getting to the Uchiha sector was fairly simple, it was a massive part of the village. Remembering the bird’s information they headed for Itachi’s house, hearing an explosion they abandoned any stealth and rushed there faster.

“Yeah man he’s like six!” some random guy who was surrounding Iruka and Naruto said this.

“Actually” they wound up a haymaker over his head. “He’s seven as of last month.”

“Oh thanks” this man turned to face them.

“Yea no problem” they smashed their haymaker into his head, dropping him.

“Shit!” one the other ninja surrounding the two of them started doing some handseals.

“LANGUAGE” they dashed over and uppercut her stomach. “I just told you he’s seven!”

The other two moved in, forcing Rōzu to back off to where Iruka still was. They reached into his kunai pouch and took two.

“Really?”

“I don’t have my own!”

“You really shouldn’t talk this much in a fight you know” one of the ninja dashed at them.

“I’ll talk as much as I-” they could see a fireball begin to come out of his mouth, and used the Replacement Jutsu Iruka was always going on about to avoid it.

Seeing the last one move to cut off Iruka they leapt at her. Catching her head in the crook of their arm they slammed her onto the ground. They really hoped the bone breaking sound was just her jaw and not her neck. Ignoring that for now they headed over to Iruka.

“Man, these guys are like really weak” they prodded his side. “I thought you were actually in danger, sorry I should’ve let you handle this.”

“Uh” Iruka seemed a little sheepish as they prodded him. “Yeah I just wanted to uh, you know, give them a chance.”

“Man you really are a nice guy.”

“I wanna see the fight!” Naruto pulled Iruka’s hands away and pouted. “Dammit I missed it!”

“Forgetting someone?” the final guy clearly didn’t like being overlooked.

“Hm, can’t say I am?” they nonchalantly tossed a kunai through his one foot.

“FUCK!” he roared in pain, reflexively reaching down to his foot.

“How many times do I have to say this!” Rōzu took this chance to kick him in the face, very painfully ripping his foot free as he was thrown back. “Language!”

With those four taken care of, Rōzu looked around for Itachi or Sasuke. Luckily, one of them came flying down towards them.

“I see you got my bird” Itachi picked himself up and looked back to where he’d fallen from.

“Yeah it got the message across” they also looked up, seeing Fugaku. “I take it he’s the reason my son was kidnapped?”

“More or less.”

“Good enough for me” cracking their neck, Rōzu took a few steps forward.

“Well so much for a quick and harmless revolution” Fugaku looked down at them all from his rooftop vantage. “But I suppose there’s really never been one of those before.”

“Keep the kids down here” after giving Iruka this order they leapt up to the rooftop to face him.

“Don’t look in his eyes!” Iruka shouted this after them.

“I know!” they weren’t good at it, but Guy had shown them his anti-sharingan feet watching technique.

Thankfully it wasn’t too hard to figure that he was approaching them. Up close it’d be harder to avoid his gaze giving him an advantage there. Hoping Itachi hadn’t mentioned too much about them to his father, Rōzu advanced as well. Failing to read his movements entirely they got punched square in the face.

“Gotcha” as their torso went back with the punch their arm hand swung up towards his chest, followed by a strange sound.

“What the” Fugaku managed to avoid most of the attack thanks to his Sharingan, only a single bone bullet managed to clip him.

Using his moment of confusion Rōzu swung back, sprouting white blades from their arm. Even with the element of surprise they couldn’t land a direct hit on him, only managing to deliver a single cut to his arm. To avoid becoming skewered on them, Fugaku leapt back.

“This certainly isn’t something you see everyday” without the threat of sudden impalement he could inspect them. “Last I heard the Kaguya clan were all wiped out.”

“That would explain the lack of family reunions” Rōzu swiped their hand at him again, firing another barrage of bones.

At range he was able to easily dodge the attack, but the constant barrage of them meant he had to keep moving. He created an earth wall and used it as shelter against the attacks. Rōzu knew they couldn’t leave him alone behind it. With a grimace of pain they pulled a bone blade from their thigh and slashed through the wall.

“Well, he’s not here.”

“Phoenix Flower Jutsu” Rōzu leapt back as balls of fire blew through the roof they’d just been on.

“Oh shit” they started running back as the balls turned after them.

Without sight on Fugaku, they’d just have to launch a water jutsu to cancel out the fireballs. Forming the seal with their free hand they pivoted around and blasted the water at the balls filling the air with steam. Using this cover they created a water clone and hide as well.

“Ok so he’s probably just hiding in here” Rōzu had snuck inside the building they’d been fighting on top of. 

They’d climbed into what looked like Sasuke’s bedroom, unless there was a third equally small Uchiha child who lived there. Silently sneaking out into the hallway they tried to listen for Fugaku. After a few moments they heard a sound behind one of the doors, pressed against the wall they slowly pulled it open.

“Great Fireball Jutsu” before they could fully open the door a fireball destroyed it, as well as a good chunk of the house.

“THIS IS YOUR HOUSE!” thanks to their caution in opening the door, Rōzu had managed to avoid being burnt to ash. “STOP BLOWING IT UP!”

“It is my house!” Fugaku crashed through a wall to deliver a kick to them. “And I will destroy it as I please!”

Sailing through the air Rōzu was at a loss for how to deal with him. He didn’t care about collateral damage, they had to take extra care to avoid looking at his face, and to top it all off, he was strong as hell. Given all the facts, they decided to use one of their trump cards.

“Hey I bet you can’t blow up your own kitchen!” they taunted him from within said kitchen.

As three kunai with explosive tags found their way into the room they figured he took the bait. Sprinting from the room and towards the closest bathroom they were pursued by the resulting fireball.

“Ok but like, I bet you can’t destroy this bathroom too.”

Diving through the bathroom window as it too was destroyed, Rōzu was now back out front of the ruined house. Thankfully Iruka had managed to keep the two children where they’d left them all.

“Do you need help?” Iruka was clearly worried by the rapidly collapsing house behind them.

“What no way, I’ve got him right where I want him.”

“Is that roughly fifty feet above you preparing to shoot fire at you?” the way Itachi asked the question gave them some cause for concern.

“Is he rough-”

“Great Fireball jutsu” they were cut off by Fugaku blasting a fireball at them from forty-nine feet above them.

Luckily the water clone from before, which Fugaku had just completely ignored, managed to pull them out of it’s path. With yet another explosion to destroy more of the building, everything was set for Rōzu’s plan. As Fugaku landed on the ground they did their own handseals.

“Water Dragon Bullet jutsu” they finished the handseals and channeled the chakra, resulting in a lot of nothing.

“I see you forgot the water part of that jutsu” Fugaku folded his arms, probably to look cool and intimidating.

“Give it a moment” they held the final seal for it.

Fugaku decided to not give it a moment, and instead tried to attack them. While he closed the gap between them, he was not prepared for the water dragon that blasted out of the now exposed plumbing for his house. It grabbed him in it’s watery jaw before ascending. Once it reached its full height it turned and crashed right into the ground. The now thoroughly washed Fugaku laid on the ground.

“Maybe next time cool it with the whole” Rōzu gestured to the destroyed home.

“Oh tough break big guy” they stopped as a newly appeared person threw an arm over their shoulder. “I’m just gonna cut that time I gave you short since you’re looking pretty washed right now.”

“Who the hell” Rōzu turned to the person, freezing in place as they saw the mask he wore.

“Hm?” the masked held a hand up to his ear at them.

“You’re that masked guy!” Rōzu had managed to retain some information about Kushina’s death.

“I am a masked guy, yes.”

“I still have an hour” Fugaku had pulled himself up to his hands and knees. “I can finish this.”

“I just told you, given your L here, times up.”

“Dammit, Madara we had a deal!” Fugaku rose to his feet, pointing a finger at him.

“Shame” before the masked man, reality warped and in an instant Mikoto and Sasuke appeared in front of him.

“Sasuke” Itachi tried to move to reach him, but was cut off by another warp in reality.

“Ah ah ah” the masked man wagged a finger at him. “Fugaku, I hope you’ll remember what happens when you fail me.”

Feeling the impending danger, the now overlooked Rōzu let out a breath they didn’t realize was held. For the first time, they locked eyes with Fugaku. With one look he conveyed everything they needed to know for what to do next. They took another breath, it was hard to recall memories from Kushina, but they managed to get enough for what to say next.

“What did you give up on killing parents so soon?” with their words his one eye turned to them. “Moving onto kids after only seven years seems like a real cowardly thing to do, especially from the bastard who took my sons mom and dad.”

“Funny, I don’t actually know who you are” his attention was fully on them now, and with it a level of fear they’d never known before.

“I’m Rōzu Uzu-”

“I didn’t say I cared did I?” faster than they could react, he had them by the throat.

“MOM” Naruto strained against Iruka’s grip, catching the masked man’s attention.

“Oh, it’s a rare chance to make one kid an orphan twice” his grip tightened as he let out a chuckle. “I’d be a fool to pass on it.”

“You’re” they could barely talk through his chokehold. “Already one.”

He let out a single gasp as a bone blade sprouted from their leg and pierced his chest. Before any more could follow suit they fell out of his grip and his body became intangible. With a growl he looked down at them. Rōzu managed to flash a smirk at him while gasping for air. Hearing movement behind him, he turned in time to see Fugaku running Mikoto and Sasuke over to the others. In an instant he was on them.

“Oh no you don’t” he grabbed Sasuke by the hair.

“GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OF MY FRIEND” Rōzu couldn’t see what Naruto did as he yelled that, but a moment later there was a blinding flash that covered the lot of them.

“AH” as it cleared they could see him covering the eyehole. 

Using this moment, Fugaku threw him back. Not wanting to be left out, Rōzu shot bone bullets at him as well. The bones went right through him unfortunately. Seeing this Fugaku attempted to back off, but was stopped by the man grabbing his vest.

“You’re really aching to die huh” with his voice dripping with anger the man punched his arm through Fugaku’s chest.

As he spat blood up Rōzu could see it in his face. He was about to do something that was a horrible idea. They dashed over to Naruto as Fugaku breathed out his final word.

“Amatersau” as both of his eyes bled a massive stream of the black flames covered the man, but it didn’t stop there.

The flames spread all around, burning anything in its path. Fugaku and the masked man were entirely consumed by them. Rōzu held Naruto tightly, hoping to somehow shield him from the sea of black flames. Before the flames reached them all, a large red skeleton formed around them. It was somehow keeping the flames at bay.

“Everyone” Itachi pulled his mother and brother close to him. “Stay as close to me as possible, Susanoo can ward off the flames.”

Following his instructions the five of them moved as close as they could to him. The skeleton of the Susanoo shrank as they moved in. It was the longest hour of Rōzu’s life. They kept an eye on Itachi, he grew more and more visibly exhausted over the hour. Them, Iruka and Mikoto formed a ring around the three children as final precaution. It was an hour of waiting, would the flames die out or would Itachi collapse from exhaustion first. When the fires were finally put out Itachi collapsed. 

“He’s still breathing” Iruka had caught him and was quick to reassure everyone. 

“Of all the people I expected to see here” an on the job Kakashi was the first to approach the group. “Three of you don’t make the list.”

“Aloof asshole later” Iruka dumped Itachi in his arms. “Help injured teenager now!”

“Aye aye” he took the unconscious boy and left as other ANBU members came to help the rest of them.

**End of reports.**

One Hiruzen Sarutobi finished reading the reports. While he now had an explanation for the bird that was filing papers in the archives, he also had a pre-headache for how much shit this was going to throw at the fan. 

“Itachi is still unconscious, correct?” he looked at Kakashi who had brought him the reports.

“Correct, once he’s up I’ll get his report as well.”

“Good, make sure to tell him and the other two to keep this very under wraps. I’ll come up with something to give to the public.”

“Got it” this wasn't Kakashi’s first rodeo with confidential operations, and Hiruzen was sure it wouldn’t be his last either.

“In the meantime, keep an eye on them all.”

“Can do sir.”

As Kakashi headed back to the hospital to do that, Hiruzen produced three pipes from his desk. He looked over the two reports while packing them all, knowing what would happen should they fall into a certain someone’s hands he made a choice. As he lit the three pipes, as well as a small trash fire, he sighed. Meanwhile, in a certain hospital room, someone else was also sighing.

“I’m just saying, you didn’t even fight anyone, do you really need a bed?” Rōzu had not dropped this since they’d all gotten rooms.

“I fought FOUR PEOPLE!” Iruka was admittedly fine, but was too deep in this to just give up.

“I BEAT ALL FOUR OF THEM FOR YOU!”

“I STILL FOUGHT THEM!”

“Mom can we really not get a different room?” Sasuke was, rightfully, pretty traumatized right now and didn’t want to be there.

“I have asked all the nurses” Mikoto also didn’t want to be there. “They are checking the rooms.”

“He beat that one guy!” Naruto was also in this argument, acting for both sides. “When he pulled me out of the room.”

“Thank you Naruto!” Iruka had forgotten about that in the heat of the yelling. “I did beat that one guy, thank you very much!”

“Oh boo hoo you beat one guy. I beat six guys.”

“So the nurses told me to tell you all” Kakashi entered the room. “To stop calling them to just ask for different rooms. Also to keep it down.”

“Yeah Iruka.”

“I! You! Ugh!” 

“Also also” Kakashi closed the blinds into the room. “Everyone in this room is going to have to keep a tight lid on what happened today.”

“A whole village district is gone” Mikoto had a very good point.

“And the Hokage is working on a better sounding reason for that than the truth.”

“Ok, now I know I normally neg on this side of you” Rōzu turned to Iruka. “But, if we can come up with a good conspiracy to pin this all on Jiraya, I think we should.”

“You want to pin this on a very well respected village figure?”

“Yes.”

Iruka did his best to tune them out for the time being, even if some of their spitball ideas were almost believable. He was sure this was their own, rather bad, way of processing the events of the day. He admittedly didn’t have any good ways to process it either. It was all so ludicrous, and that’s before the apparently still alive co-founder of the village got involved in it. Before he could spiral too deeply into it all, a reassuring squeeze of the hand from Kakashi gave him some quick grounding.


	15. Hesitation is defeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay here! I initially had a much longer chapter, and during my editing pass through of it I realized I actually did not like most of it, so I scrapped it and wrote this instead! I think this one is better, and I hope ya'll like it! I've said this before but one last time: I'm gonna put this story on pause for a bit, maybe till march? I wanna finish up some of my other projects before I kick off part two of this!

Over a full month later and the village was back to normal, of course most of it had never even noticed what’d happened. The Hokage’s cover up on the matter was widely accepted, even if it was quite vague. As far as anyone who wasn’t directly involved that day was concerned, some rogue ninja had attempted to execute the Uchihas for revenge. Fugaku, as well as a shockingly large number of his clansmen, all died heroes protecting their families and the village from the attack. Being one of the unlucky few to actually be there, Iruka had decided to take his training more seriously. He wouldn’t let Itachi put himself at risk to save them all again.

“DODGE!” the previously mentioned teenager's warning snapped him out of his daze. It unfortunately did not do so quick enough.

Rōzu had no trouble throwing him across the training ground, right where Kakashi was waiting to distract him once more. Thinking fast this time, Iruka shut his eyes to avoid another Sharingan genjutsu. Kakashi was only there to put him under those so he only had to worry about detecting Rōzu now. Focused now, he could hear them coming. Spinning low he managed to sweep out their legs, the resulting crash meant he’d also gotten them to fly into Kakashi.

“Not bad” the second Rōzu that put him in headlock sounded a little impressed. “But you really shouldn’t close your eyes during a fight.”

“And how exactly” Iruka really wished they’d learn to ease up on the chokeholds. “Do you deal with Kakashi?”

“Checkout his feet.”

“Cause that’s so easy.”

“That’s enough for today” Kakashi, now fairly wet, pulled them apart. “For next time, think up a better move than closing your eyes though.”

“Right cause the Guy method is so easy.”

“Hey it works for me.”

“I have never seen it work for you.”

“Back in the hold for you” Rōzu leapt onto his back and put him into another chokehold. 

“Help” he reached out to Kakashi.

“Talk shit get hit man.”

“And what did you two learn today?” Itachi was making sure two quiz the two children so they’d get something out of watching this training session.

“Talk shit get hit!” Naruto had written that in big letters over all his other notes.

“Don’t close your eyes in a fight!” Sasuke had done a similar thing, but with a good takeaway.

“Very good.”

Before he actually passed out, Rōzu let go of him. They’d gotten a lot better at gauging where that threshold was recently, something he appreciated. If they wouldn't indulge his request to just stop putting him in random chokeholds, he’d take not being left knocked out in the woods.

“Alright Naruto let’s see those clones!” Rōzu moved onto his training while Iruka caught his breath. 

“Ok!” Naruto ran over to the center of the field, a jutsu scroll in hand. “But you better be ready to finally teach me that water ball move!”

“Yeah yeah.”

Iruka was a little surprised he’d brought a scroll for the clone jutsu. He’d had the handseals down for it a few months ago. His confusion only increased as Naruto did none of them and instead just held a single strange looking one.

“Oh he found my present finally” Kakashi saying this didn’t offer him any peace of mind.

“Shadow clone jutsu!” Naruto disappeared in a large cloud of smoke. As it cleared, Iruka’s jaw hit the floor. He’d somehow managed to make nine clones.

“Well shit” Rōzu had clearly not expected this either. “Wait a second, that’s not the right jutsu!”

“It’s close enough!” the chorus of Narutos somehow managed to say this in perfect unison.

“Is it?” they were looking back to Iruka.

“I mean, they are clones” he didn’t actually know what this jutsu was, but it certainly looked correct. 

“Then we win!”

“I guess so? So then, I guess get rid of the clones and I can show you this move.”

With another massive cloud they clones departed. The smoke was blown away by Naruto vibrating in excitement. Rōzu scratched their head, probably trying to think of how to teach him the jutsu.

“So like, you just do this handseal” They showed him the tiger handseal. “And then use your chakra to create water in your mouth.”

“Is that possible?”

“I mean yeah, I can do it.”

“Hm true, and if you can do it I can do it but better.”

“Hey! I’m still your mom” They had him in a headlock in a matter of seconds. 

While Rōzu took a more hands on approach to teaching Naruto, Iruka decided to chat with Kakashi about something.

“So, shadow clones?”

“Yeah, figured he’d have a better time with it.”

“Because?”

“Just a hunch.”

“Is there any real difference between it and the normal clone technique?”

“You know, who can say?”

“Probably you?”

“I mean, it might, possibly, split the users chakra between all the clones made. Maybe.”

“YOU TAUGHT THAT TO A CHILD!” Iruka had seen him make nine, he’d split his chakra ten ways and survived?

“I mean, no I didn’t, I gave him a scroll showing him how to learn it.”

“THAT’S EVEN WORSE!”

“He’s fine, it’s fine, everything worked out in the end.”

“Kakashi, please tell me you have a good reason for having given him that scroll, because this is very literally child endangerment.”

“What? No way.”

“Could he have gotten hurt learning the technique?”

“I mean, in theory, if he made like, ten or more.”

“Convenient that you say exactly one more than the number he did make.”

“What a strange coincidence.”

“Kakashi.”

“Yes?”

“Please never do something like this again.”

“Listen, I’ll admit I knew it’d be fine.”

“And how could you have possibly known that?”

“I mean, I sort of knew his parents, and some things about them.”

“Oh I’m aware” Iruka had forgotten about Kushina revealing that in the hubbub of doing some inception. “How does that clear you here though?”

“Well, unless Kushina lied to me, Uzumakis all have a lot of chakra. Since I heard Naruto was having issues with the clone technique I assumed that was why, so I gave him that scroll for his birthday. It just took him awhile to find it I guess.”

“He’s still a seven year old! He can’t have that much chakra!”

“Uh, maybe take a look over there before saying that.”

Iruka humored him and looked over at the training. Naruto was holding the tiger seal and concentrating, his cheeks were fairly puffed up.

“Now you just gotta spit it out, aim for a tree” Rōzu was speaking calm and slowly. He was a little surprised by how quickly they’d managed to teach him that jutsu.

For the second time in twenty minutes, Iruka’s jaw dropped. The sheer amount of water he blasted out dwarfed Rōzu’s version of it. The things it did to that poor unsuspecting tree were not right.

“Well uh” Rōzu had clearly not been prepared to see that either. “That’s certainly it yeah.”

“Hold” Naruto was a little unsteady on his feet now. “The applause please.”

“Yeah yeah kid” They took him back over to the side of the field to sit down. “Take it easy for now, you can practice it some more tomorrow.”

“But mom, I wanna practice it more now!”

“Well next time don’t pour all your chakra into one blast and you can” they ruffled his hair.

“Fine” a pouting Naruto watched Itachi and Sasuke take the field.

“I can admit your point might have some” Iruka was not going to let him off the hook this easily. “And I mean like, a very small amount, of merit.”

“You can just say I was right.”

“I would sooner die.”

“Hm, I can arrange for that if it’s what you want” Kakashi headed over to sit with Naruto and Rōzu. 

Left alone with what he hoped was a joke threat, Iruka also went to sit down. Itachi was running Sasuke through the basic usage of his Sharingan. Apparently seeing his father burn himself and an entire section of the village to hell was enough to activate it. This had been most of the training the Uchiha boys would do, Itahci still wasn’t approved for active combat and it showed. On the good days he had to use a cane to get around, on the bad it seemed like he wasn’t able to move at all. 

“OW” his train of thought was cut off by two chopsticks poking into each of his ears.

“NEW RECORD!” Naruto threw the sticks in the air to celebrate.

“I thought you stopped doing that” Iruka was now rubbing his ears.

“I strive for perfection, I would never give up after five failed attempts.”

“Can these records be submitted by anyone?” Kakashi was apparently intrigued by this new fun way to annoy Iruka.

“Of course, Teuchi had the last record of two” Rōzu showed him the leaderboard.

“Maybe I should find new friends who don’t encourage people to stab my ears.”

“You think there’s a single person in this village who isn’t aware of the leaderboard? Nowhere is safe for you.”

“This village is too dangerous” Iruka protectively held his ears. 

While Itachi and Sasuke finished up the group pulled out their various meals. Rōzu and Naruto were now down their chopsticks, which prompted Naruto to try and eat his food with his hands.

“NO!” Rōzu was quick to throw him into a headlock. 

“LET ME LIVE” Naruto had left himself too weak to struggle against their ironclad hold. He was forced to sadly stare down at the food.

“Just use mine” Iruka was pretty sure he could get away with using his hands.

“Oh so he can eat with his hands?”

“Naruto I’m not Iruka’s mom, I’m sure she will be looking down on him with a similar feeling of disdain though.”

“RUDE!”

“Take these” Itachi came over and pulled two sets of chopsticks from his bag. “The yelling is distracting Sasuke and making it hard to focus on training.”

“Yeah Iruka geez” the Uzumakis were quick to pin it on him while accepting the chopsticks. 

With the chopstick fiasco taken care of them four of them started to eat. They were too busy watching the training to cause a new fiasco to disrupt it. While Sasuke couldn’t match the raw energy levels Naruto had, he could certainly match his fervor for training. It only ended when he was too exhausted to create any more fireballs.

“Good work today, you’ve improved on the Phoenix Sage technique much faster than expected.”

“Thanks!” Sasuke managed to perk up at the praise as he opened his own food.

“Also” Itachi produced a sheet from his bag. “Our mother wanted me to give you all this sheet for the party tomorrow.”

Looking it over, the sheet was just for who would be bringing what. Mikoto had put herself down for snacks, Rōzu was already down for drinks for the kids as well as cups. This left the two separate sections for alcohol to Iruka and Kakashi.

“When it says drinks for the kids” he wanted to make sure it wasn’t alcohol also.

“Like apple juice and stuff.”

“Ah of course.”

“And a six pack of course.”

“Ignoring that.”

“I’ll put myself down here” Kakashi filled in the one drinks section. “I luckily already have a good amount on hand.”

“How hard can buying some be?” Iruka put himself down for the other section.

“The day before new years?”

“Yeah?” he’d never gone alcohol shopping for a new years party before.

“Oh boy I almost wanna go just to watch!” Rōzu’s tone didn’t inspire a lot of hope in him.

“Thank you” Itachi put the sheet back in his bag. “Also, the party will start at six tomorrow night.”

“Oh great, plenty of time to sleep in” Kakashi stretched a little before getting up. “I’ll catch you all then.”

“Plenty of time for someone” Rōzu looked right at Naruto. “To wrap up his chores and winter break schoolwork.”

“Plenty of time for a teacher who assigns break work” Naruto was staring directly at Iruka now. “To go missing.”

“Yeah lots of time for lots of things!” Rōzu threw him over a shoulder and got up. “See you all then! Well, at least you two for sure!”

“Wait what?” Iruka did not like them giving his threat some weight.

The only reply he got was for Naruto to point at his own eyes and then at Iruka. With that threat left in the open he decided to get to the safety of his home as fast as possible.

“Hopefully um, I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

“Good luck” Itachi waved him off.

Finding a store to get the drinks? Easy enough. Getting inside the store and finding the drinks? A nightmare. He’d never been to war, but the mass of other last minute shoppers made him know its horrors. The only reprieve from the sea of nameless souls throwing him around was when he bumped into a cart filled to the brim with drinks. Looking to its pusher he sighed.

“Hey bro!” Mizuki was happily loading up for something big. “I was literally just thinking of you, this is so crazy.”

“You were?”

“Yeah man! It’s almost the new year and who better to invite to my party than the party animal himself?”

“Uh? Am I the party animal here?” Iruka found it hard to focus on Mizuki and avoid dropping any of the things he was holding.

“Bro did you think I forgot about your very exclusive fun friday? The events that went down that day are legendary!”

“Really?” Iruka had certainly never told him anything that had happened that night, which meant Mizuki had filled in the gaps on his own. “Wait, do you always have a party?”

“I don’t see why that’s a relevant question.”

“I mean, I don’t think you’ve invited me to any other parties?”

“What? Nah.”

“Nah….?”

“Yeah you get it.”

“No I don’t?”

“So tomorrow? Party starts at nine but you KNOW we pregame in this apartment.”

“Oh man tomorrow?” Iruka had literally just made plans for a party. “Ah shoot, I’ve got another party then.”

“What! But bro, all the other teachers are coming!”

“Wait.”

“I am waiting.”

“Do you invite literally every other teacher to this yearly party, but me?”

“Again, I fail to see how that’s a relevant question.”

“Uh huh” Iruka was gonna remember this.

“But you really can’t make it? Not even the pre-pregame?”

“The pre-pregame?’

“Yeah.”

“When do you start partying exactly?”

“Literally the second I wake up on new years eve. I waste no time on the one day I am societally allowed to get smashed.”

“I’ll try and make the pre-pregame.”

“Ah thank bros” Mizuki gave him a light punch on the arm. “The people are so excited to see your legendary kegstand.”

“My what?’

“You know, your kegstand move? You told me all about how you busted it out on fun friday.”

“Well, I can’t disappoint the people” Iruka was going to look up what a kegstand was later.

“Hell yeah bro! I’ll catch you at the pre-pregame then!”

Using the hole in the crowd Mizuki created with his oversized cart, Iruka managed to get to the counter mostly unharmed. With the few bottles he felt would be enough for one night in hand, he headed home. Given his prior experience at one party, he decided to pack a small bag with all kinds of quick remedies, just in case. Feeling ready for anything he went to bed.

“KNOCK KNOCK IT’S PARTY O'CLOCK!” At exactly one minute after midnight Mizuki was at his door.

With close to two hours of sleep in him, Iruka was very cranky to be woken up by this. His anger only grew as the knocking and yelling got louder every second. Knowing he had no other choice than to relent, he went to the door.

“There’s the man of the hour!” Mizuki was sporting a drink hat with four cans on it.

“Mizuki.”

“Yes buddy?”

“I will kill you and then myself if you don’t let me sleep.”

“And that hour will be at uh, noon.”

“Thank you” having put him off, Iruka returned to bed.

He woke up again around eleven, and after that encounter, decided to ditch Mizuki. Not knowing where else to go, he dropped by the Uzumaki residence. 

“Hello?” he’d been knocking on the door for five minutes before calling out.

“Oh my god” Rōzu finally answered the door, wearing pajamas. “It’s new years eve why the hell are you at my door this early!”

“It’s almost noon?”

“And?”

“And I need to hide from Mizuki.”

“God fine, just make less noise” they let him in before returning to their room. “I’ll be officially awake at two.”

“Is Naruto not here?” Iruka found it hard to believe they could sleep in that late with Naruto around.

“He’s with, uh” they started snapping with their one hand. “You know, that one kid. What’s his face.”

“Your son is just somewhere else and you don’t know where?”

“No I do know, I’m just half asleep ok! Choji? I wanna say Choji.”

“Why is he with Choji?”

“They had a sleepover, why else would he be with him?”

“I mean, I dunno I just thought you’d have told me about that before.”

“Well I’m sorry are you either his or my dad? Do not answer that.”

On that very confusing note, Rōzu slammed their door closed leaving him alone. Without anything else to do, he started poking around the place. He was there often enough that there wasn’t really anything new to him. Left with little else to look at, his eyes turned to the scattered papers on the table. There was a lot of typical mail, random ads and promotional campaigns, some bills, and a card? He reached out to grab it but stopped himself.

“Come on, you can’t just go through the mail” he reprimanded himself quietly, even though his eyes had quickly drifted back to looking at the card.

It was very clearly a card to celebrate something, but for what? He couldn’t see the rest of the cover without moving other stuff off of it, which he was very sure would be a violation of privacy to further investigate it. Determined to not do that, he went and sat down on the couch and looked away from it.

“You are a grown man, who respects the privacy of his friends” even as he said this he was slowly turning to look back at it. “And even if you really want to know, you can live without knowing.”

“Oh my god just fucking look at whatever it is I don’t care, just shut the fuck up!” he flinched as they yelled at him, his whisper was apparently not that quiet.

He, now internally, weighed his options. They had technically said he could check it out, even if it was only because he was being accidentally annoying. He looked back at the card. It was taunting him with its hidden contents. Quietly, he slid the other papers off of it and picked it up. It was a birthday card? Opening it up he saw it was addressed to Rōzu, from someone named “Yukie Fujikaze.” Why the hell would someone sign their name in quotes like that? He may have already breached a good deal of privacy by looking at it, but he felt very weird about reading the contents of the card. Putting it down, he noticed a movie case that was hidden by the card. 

“They know a movie star?” it was very easy for him to see that same name plastered on the cover, and for him to finally recognize it. This piece of info was so jarring he’d forgotten to not talk out loud.

Before he could fully process what had happened, the card and movie were both gone and their door once again slammed shut. Sensing the very large mistake he had just made, Iruka decided to go hide out somewhere else. It didn’t take too long for him to end up at Kakashi’s home. Thankfully he didn’t look like Iruka had just woken him up.

“Am I late somehow?” Kakashi turned to check a clock.

“No no, I just need to hide out and avoid Mizuki.”

“So you came here?”

“I was at Rōzu’s first, but I um, you know, mistakes were made."

“Mistakes like?”

“Who can say?”

“Right….”

“But can I hide out here?”

“Sure I guess” he opened the door and gestured him inside. 

Having learned a lesson, Iruka managed to avoid doing any other snooping into private matters. As the clock drew closer to six a small pit of dread started to grow in him. They were definitely going to be upset with him about the mail, and he did deserve it. He also just would rather avoid that.

“You know may-”

“Nope.”

“What?” Iruka hadn’t even finished making up an excuse to not go before Kakashi shot it down.

“You either come to our party, or I find Mizuki and sick him on you.”

“What but, that’s so unfair!”

“Tough.”

Because of this very real threat, Iruka arrived with Kakashi at six. Rōzu and Naruto were already there setting up some game. He tried to avoid looking at them.

“Ah there’s the man of the hour!” their non-aggressive reply only made him more worried. “Do you know who dropped by like ten minutes after you left?”

“Was it Mi-”

“It was Mizuki!”

“Was he bei-”

“Oh he was so loud. So very very loud.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Oh trust me, you think you’re sorry right now, but I will have you drowning in regret later.”

“I’m really sorry!”

“Oh don’t worry, I’m not mad. I’ve already put things in motion, I have processed these feelings and moved on.”

“Really?” he didn’t particularly like the things in motion part, but was glad they weren’t currently mad at him.

“Really.”

“Oh great everyone’s here!” Mikoto came out with various snacks. “You two can put those drinks in the kitchen.”

“Gotcha” following her instructions Iruka and Kakashi put their drinks in the kitchen.

With the not safe for children drinks put away, the kid safe party was ready to be kicked off. It was officially kicked off after an argument over flip cup being an appropriate game for children or not. The following games were, in Iruka's opinion, much more appropriate for children. After Iruka lost at charades for the fourth game in a row, Kakashi did not know how to mime any non-violent things, the kids were ready for bed. Well, Sasuke was.

“I AM NOT TIRED!” Naruto had apparently gotten an energy drink during the night.

“YES YOU ARE” Rōzu was doing their best to restrain him.

Wordlessly Itachi got up from his seat and looked into the eyes of the restrained Naruto. A few moments later he was asleep.

“Please, please teach me how to do that.”

“Develop a sharingan.”

“Develop a sharingan” they said it in a slightly higher tone while carrying Naruto out.

“I’ll also be retiring now” Itachi headed to his own room, stabilizing himself using the wall.

“And you too” Mikoto grabbed Sasuke’s hand to put him to bed too.

“Yeah yeah” Sasuke’s sassy comeback was interrupted by a yawn.

“How was” Iruka did Kakashi’s own miming of ‘Horse’ to him. “This supposed to be a horse? Have you ever seen a horse?”

“I may have.”

“Where do you find a horse that has six legs?”

“Places…..”

“What places!”

“You know.”

“No! I do not!”

“What is he yelling about?” Rōzu came back into the living room.

“He’s never seen a horse apparently.”

“NO YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A HORSE!”

“A four or six legged one?”

“Four! Wait, no no no, there are no horses with six legs!”

“We just put the kids to bed” Mikoto was also back. “Please stop yelling about horse breeds.”

“No, you are not in on this too!” Iruka was apparently adrift in a sea of people who didn’t know what horses were.

“Don’t worry about it” Rōzu pat him on the back. “I was real fucked up when I saw a horse with six legs too.”

“Everyone just stop talking to me about this and hand me a drink please.”

To avoid any of them irritating Iruka to the point of him yelling and waking the kids up, the executive decision to drink in the backyard was made. This was something none of them enjoyed, but for the sake of how loud they were, it was required.

“I mean really, who does that!” Mikoto was going through her qualms with the masked man who, among other things, apparently didn’t keep hand sanitizer on his person. “Like, kidnapping me and my son, sure I get it, it’s a risk I’ve been aware of, but living like that? What if a dog licks your hands but your face gets itchy? You cannot just itch your face with dog hands!”

“Wow, that is fucked up” Rōzu had said that about every single grievance she had listed. “Like, I will for sure bring that up if I see him again.”

“You think he’s still alive?”

“I mean, given the vague facts it’s not impossible?”

“That’s the newest issue I have with him then! People should die when they are killed!”

“You are so right queen.”

“Thank you, that means so much to me right now” Mikoto began to cry while taking another drink.

“You know maybe” Iruka stealthily took the four other bottles by her. “You should slow down with all these?”

“Why?”

“Just a thought?”

“Well I have a different thought.”

“Is it the ho-”

“What kind of teacher has never seen a horse?”

“Of course it’s that” Iruka went and sat back with Kakashi.

“Oh perfect” Kakashi grabbed one of the confiscated bottles and popped it open. 

“Am I the only one here drinking responsibly?”

“You cannot say that after chugging three drinks and vomiting.”

Unable to come up with a retort, Iruka just frowned and looked away. He had wanted to look cool and tried to drink all three of the drinks they’d handed to him before. It ended badly.

“Stop pouting and eat more crackers” Kakashi shoved a cracked pack into his head.

“I can get my own crackers!” he had difficulty saying this around the crackers that wanted very badly to go into his mouth.

“Oh is this a new game?” Rōzu, taking a break from ‘Yes queen’ing Mikoto, had looked over at the commotion.

“No!”

“Yeah.”

“Kakashi didn’t vomit so I’ll trust him.”

“That is so unfair!” Iruka wasn’t an alcoholic, apparently unlike his two friends.

“Fine, Kakashi didn’t read my personal birthday card.”

“You said I could! And that you weren’t mad about it!”

“I did say both those things, but I can still be annoyed about it” they punctuated that by tossing a cracker at his forehead. “Damn wait, complain some more.”

“These are valid compla-” he was cut off by a cracker being thrown into his mouth. If he wasn’t incredibly angry about that, he would have admitted it was an impressive throw.

“Oh let me try!” Mikoto had paused in her rambling and saw what was happening. She also had shockingly good cracker aim.

Unable to use words to tell them to stop, Iruka began furiously pointing and miming at them. Kakashi took it upon himself to interpret this.

“He saying, something about a bird? No no, it’s a giraffe. He’s never seen a giraffe? Oh no sorry he’s definitely seen a giraffe.”

“NO THAT IS N-” he fell for the trick as more crackers flew into his mouth.

The laughter the two broke out into only added further insult to injury. If the situation were any different maybe he’d just try and be the bigger person, but not then. Tearing open his own pack of crackers he returned fire.

“Oh you think this is a three player game?” Rōzu said this while covering their mouth. 

The following battle ended soon after it started. Iruka was trying to face the two of them down alone, Kakashi had stayed out of it. Unable to match the sheer volume of their attacks, Iruka fell. Not literally, it was just crackers, but he did give up first.

“Ha another win for team Milf!” Rōzu apparently had made a team name for themself and Mikoto.

“I’m sorry, team what?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah! You heard them!” Mikoto either agreed with their choice of team name, or was just in it for the sake of yelling.

“I feel like that is not an appropriate team name!”

“Well that’s why I didn’t say it when we played charades with the children.”

“Yea well we over on team hot and sexy singles in your area” Kakashi decided to join in on this argument for some reason. “Welcome all hot people and not just mothers.”

The two of them had a huddle. Iruka felt the need to have a huddle as well, but didn’t have anything to say during it.

“We’ve come to a decision, Kakashi, you can be a milf if you want” Mikoto pointed an empty bottle at him like a scepter.

“Sorry Iruka, I’ve always wanted to be a milf, and you kind of suck at charades.”

He couldn’t believe this outrage. He’d been abandoned on the team Kakashi came up with! Now he was the lone hot and sexy single in their area. 

“Can I be a milf too?” he picked up a drink to prepare to forget having ever said that.

“Milf huddle” the three of them formed another huddle.

“You may, but only for tonight.”

“Thank you.”

He, slowly this time, drank from one of the wine bottles. Even with all four of them sitting together the night was still very cold. His shivers didn’t go unnoticed.

“Put this on” Rōzu threw their coat onto him. “Can’t have our temp milf freezing to death.”

“I think you’re going to need it more than me” Iruka gestured to the t-shirt they had on.

“I’m from the land of snow, a place that has one season, I’m fine.”

“Your coat also doesn’t really fit me” he could put his arms in the sleeves but not close it up.

“Oh this is just like on fun Friday! Oh man remember your outfit?”

“Nope.”

“What come on, I know you do.”

“No idea what you mean.”

“It was like a fishnet shirt and skinny jeans.”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“You made up some dumb lie about a house fire?”

“Doesn’t sound like me.”

“No Rōzu you’ve got it wrong, he had assless chaps on” Kakashi decided to get in the mix.

“I definitely did not.”

“Now that he said it, I kinda remember seeing you in assless chaps.”

“No you do not! I did not wear assless chaps!”

“I could see you as an assless chaps guy” Mikoto gave him a slow look over. 

“I should’ve tried my luck at Mizuki’s party.”

“Oh god yes! I wanna see you do one of your legendary keg stands!”

“He told you about that?”

“Oh boy did he!”

“Ok not to sound old” Mikoto held a hand out to stop any interruptions. “What is a keg stand?” 

“I think Iruka can answer that.”

“I sure uh” he hadn’t figured that out yet. “Probably can.”

“He doesn’t know” Kakashi could smell his lack of knowledge like blood in the water.

“Really?”

“Why would I know!”

“I feel a lot better not knowing now.”

“Iruka you just, do a handstand on a keg, and drink from it. It’s a pretty simple concept.”

“She didn’t know either!” if he was going down he’d take someone with him.

“I have two kids, I haven’t been to a party in like twelve years, what’s your excuse?”

“I uh…. I apparently wasn’t cool enough to get an invite to the faculty parties.”

“I can see why” Mikoto gave him a look while sipping her drink.

“It’s ok, for your birthday we can get a keg” Rōzu pat his back.

“I don’t want a keg?”

“Too bad.”

“Not to jump in and save Iruka’s reputation” Kakashi was checking a clock. “But we’ve got about a minute before the fireworks start.”

“Ah shit!” Rōzu drunkenly climbed up to the roof.

“Kakashi.”

“Yes?”

“It’s ten fifty nine.”

“I know.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on you guys you’ll miss them!” Rōzu called down at them.

“Well, at least their pretty cute to make up for being kinda dumb” Mikoto followed them up.

“What their not, I mean, well” Iruka was mostly saying this to himself, but just forgot to not vocalize it.

“No their a lil dumb” Kakashi headed up as well.

“I didn’t mean that, but like” he realized he was now alone and rambling. “Fine I guess we’re all going to the roof with the cute idiot.”

“Yeah!” Rōzu had apparently heard him say that.

Left with few options, and deciding it wasn’t worth it to end his life just yet, Iruka went to the roof. The other three were laying down looking up at the sky, Kakashi had left a roughly Iruka sized space in between him and Rōzu. Preparing himself for some comment or another, he laid down in the space.

“Ah perfect, two heat” Rōzu pulled him and Mikoto closer.

“I thought you were fine with the cold.”

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Shut up.”

Turning away from them to avoid being too close to their face, he came face to face with Kakashi. Who was also very close to him. He realized there was no avoiding them both, and just looked directly up at the sky.

“Hey Kakashi?”

“Yep?”

“What time is it?”

“Who can say?”

“If I wasn’t very comfy right now, I would perform a violence onto you.”

“As if you could.”

“Oh wipe that smug look I assume is on your face off.”

“No, I don’t think I will.”

“Then I’ll do it for you!” they started smacking over at him.

“Hey can you not” Iruka didn’t enjoy them slapping his face with an arm to try and hit Kakashi.

“I sure could” they didn’t stop.”

Thankfully they did give up on that after a few minutes. Iruka was just trying to ride out the hour of being on the roof, so he ignored any subsequent outbursts. He was sure both sides were trying to get to him after the third one, but he held strong.

“Kakashi how much longer” Rōzu had said this fairly often.

“I dunno, five minutes tops” he’d replied with that everytime.

By some luck, or maybe Kakashi actually had been tracking the time somehow, the fireworks did start in five minutes. He’d made it through another year, a hand full of close calls aside, it was a pretty good year.

“Happy new year!” Rōzu cupped their hands around their mouth to yell a bit louder at the fireworks.

“You know” Kakashi sat up to look over at them all. “I hear it’s good luck to start the year off with a kiss.”

“Oh really?” the tone Rōzu used let Iruka know this was something the two of them had rehearsed beforehand. “Is that one of your fancy Konoha traditions I, a foreigner, wouldn’t know?’

“I think it is.”

“Well given the last year, I think some extra good luck couldn’t hurt right Kakashi?”

“I agree, if only there was some way we all could get a new years kiss.”

“It sure soun-” Iruka tried to see himself out of this situation, but was cut off.

“I know how” Mikoto pulled Rōzu over to face her.

“Oh” they had apparently not expected that.

“Oh” Iruka wasn’t prepared for the sting of jealousy he felt over a kiss he wasn’t even sure he wanted. 

“Well you’ve got Kakashi over there” Mikoto waved a hand over at the two of them.

The jealousy he felt subsided as he looked back to Kakashi. He was fiddling with his mask. He stomach knotted as he was overtaken by how nervous he felt. 

“I can go a year without some good luck if you’d rather not?” 

“No it’s just, I haven’t really done this much you know.”

“Yeah, we really gotta get you to try eel.”

“Oh shut up” Iruka awkwardly pulled him down, hoping he’d take the mask off in time.

Even if it wasn’t the world’s most perfect kiss, and even if part of him was focused on another kiss that didn’t happen, Iruka felt his nerves subside. The world around him felt like it came to a halt, maybe there was some merit to that tradition Kakashi mentioned. When they broke apart and he opened his eyes Kakashi’s face was covered once again.

“Mango again?” with that moment of peace over, Iruka chose violence.

“Is it really that bad?”

“Yeah it is.”


	16. Time skip kind of!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ba bam! February is over, the fic I meant to finish is not done, but I instead wrote this (And a whole new fic oops) up for today! It is, pretty fucking long because I would get almost done it, and then say "But what if I added this? Is this funny? Sure it is." But anyways! Expected regular updates and thanks for reading!

The years had been, not unkind to Iruka, but calling them kinda was a bit of stretch. The first of many, many, things he really hated was his next birthday. Like a fool, he’d forgotten the vague threat leveled at him by  Rōzu at new years.

“There he is!” Mizuki kicked his door in, pulling a cart behind him. “The man, the myth, the legend!”

“Oh no” he saw the kegs in the cart.

“Oh yea” Rōzu gave him a pat on the back, having waited almost half a year for this pay off.

Having suffered through an evening he thought was going to be a good time with his close friends, Iruka made a decision. This was a game for two players. Having a good idea of when they’d get to work thanks to the Kushina fiasco, he got there before them.

“Is something the matter Iruka?” the Hokage was already there as well.

“Oh no sir, just leaving a note for Rōzu” he had prepared a note ahead of time.

“Alright, oh and I saw your requests for more active duty, do you think Mizuki can handle teaching some days alone?”

“Uh” he had flashbacks to his fellow teacher doing a kegstand in his house. “Yeah probably?”

“Good enough for me” with that he headed into his office, leaving Iruka alone.

Not wasting any time he put out the note and hid a whoopee cushion on the chair. He felt it was only fair to start small as a warning to them. Given how often he’d tried to avoid seeing them during student pickup, it was strange for him to wait in excitement for them to arrive. To his horror, they didn’t.

“Yeah my mom was feeling really sick” Naruto was instead heading home with Sasuke. “So we had Mizuki call his mom and make sure it was ok for me to go home with him.”

“That’s wow” he remembered the temp secretary, and how he’d left a note that strongly implied he’d been the one to do it. “So great of Mikoto to help them so they can recover.”

It was a few days before he saw Rōzu again; he’d done his best to avoid being out in public in case the temp secretary he’d pranked, in probably the most childish way possible, was out for blood. They took one look at him before laughing in his face.

“I’m sorry you just look so guilty, like did you not even try to check if Naruto was lying?”

“What?”

“Yeah I wasn’t sick I’ve just been fucking with you since you left a note and a whoopee cushion at my desk.”

“But, but how?” 

“Duh I called Mikoto and asked her to get the kids, and told her to tell Naruto to tell you that I was sick. If I’d known how bad you felt I would’ve come clean sooner.”

He took a deep breath. He’d been bamboozled. The kid gloves were officially off. Knowing Naruto would be able to tip them off, he bribed a child.

“You get one of these” he handed over an IOU. “Per prank, you can use it whenever and I will honor it.”

“Now, are you sure you’re not taking this too far?” Naruto had already pocketed the IOU. “Because even I am willing to admit it’s a terrible idea for you to give me this.”

“Naruto, one day when you’re older, you’ll understand.”

“I don’t think I will.”

With the Naruto variable removed, he put his newest plan into motion. Getting them at work had too many variables, too many chances for it to backfire on him. Using a talk about Naruto’s schoolwork as a cover, he set it up in their home.

“Hm he has been using clones to do his school work” Rōzu’s lack of understanding about what being a student entailed made this a pretty easy in. “But like, I thought he’d still at least ask me for help if he was failing.”

“He is a smart kid so I’m sure asking for help isn’t something he wants to do.”

“Hm, is something up? I know we’ve talked about his strengths before but I don’t think you’ve ever called him smart.”

“He learned a B-rank jutsu at the age of seven, so like, he is technically smart.”

“That is true, ok, carry on.”

He discreetly sighed, the jig was almost up but he’d salvaged it. He waited til they headed into the bathroom before quickly sneaking into their bedroom. Wanting it to go off in the morning he set it up in the closet.

With the trap laid and his supply of fake school things to talk about almost dried up, he made an excuse and headed home. Once again he snuck over in the morning to hear the fruits of his labor. It was only moments before that he realized maybe all the other people in the building would have issues with it as well. That line of thought was cut short as a massively loud airhorn blasted off.

“FUCK” the sound of Rōzu yelling and loudly triyng to break the airhorn meant it was time for him to make his escape.

He waited for a retaliation of some kind, but after a full week without one it seemed like he’d be getting away with it scott free. He’d never been more wrong. 

It was a fairly normal Monday as the kids were all picked up, Naruto was the last one waiting. He and Mizuki were chatting while Naruto got in some target practice.

“Oh my gosh I’m sorry late!” Rōzu came over to both of them first.

“No worries, I’ll go grab Naruto so he doesn’t accidentally throw a kunai at you” Iruka felt something off in the air, he didn’t like it.

“Oh you’re so sweet” before he could fully react, they pulled him in quickly and kissed his cheek right in front of Mizuki. It was as they pulled away he noticed the very bright lipstick they had on.

The fallout of that one moment ruined his entire month. The nonstop looks and gossip from Mizuki made him consider giving up and letting them have the last laugh, but he’d already made his bed. This time he decided to play the waiting game, planning his next prank for Kakashi’s birthday. 

“Hey thanks for hosting this” Kakashi was woefully ignorant of the events that would come to pass. “I usually just sit alone in my house drinking in the dark, but this takes a solid second place so far.”

“I’m sure a night with your best buds, and some of their children, can easily beat that out.”

“We’ll see.”

Iruka had actually put in the effort to throw him a nice birthday party so he was hoping Kakashi would have a good time. Well, before events began to unfold.

“I can’t say I’m surprised you didn’t get eel” Rōzu came over to where he was preparing some food for the table.

“Listen, he didn’t specifically request eel so I didn’t get it.”

“Mhm sure that’s what they all say.”

“Can you just” he handed them a platter of various sushi rolls. “Take this over to the table and sit down so I can try and get everyone else to do the same.”

“What I don’t wanna sit first I’ll look like a loser sitting down all alone!”

“It’s not that big of a deal!” his plan literally hinged upon them doing that.

“Ugh fine” they gave him an exaggerated look and went over to the table.

He discreetly watched out of a mirror he’d recently put up. They didn’t notice the table wobble as the platter was put down and did sit down like he’d asked them to. Unfortunately when they put their arms on the table to give him another more annoyed look that was enough to tip it all over.

“No one say anything” they were now under part of a table and covered in sushi.

“You broke my table!” he’d rehearsed this line to make sure it sounded very sincere.

“No I did not! I leaned on it!”

“Which broke it!”

“I am not arguing with you about this shitty table while I’m covered in sushi” they tossed the piece off themself and got up. Their casual attempts to wipe the sushi stuck onto them quickly turned into furious swipes as it did not come off. “DID YOU BUY SUSHI COVERED IN GLUE?”

“Calm down” he went over to “help” them get free of the sushi. “You bust my table and then start freaking out.”

“YES THIS SUCKS!”

“It could be worse?”

“HOW!” they were now pulling at one of the rolls.

“I dunno? But I’m sure it could.”

“You know what, you’re right, I’m just gonna go home and throw these clothes out. I had a lovely time at this party, please do not try and throw me one ever.”

“Oh don’t do that” Mikoto came over to help as well. “Our place is closer and I’m sure I’ve got something that’ll fit you.”

“Fine, we’ll be back, everyone be careful with Iruka’s crappy furniture.”

As the two left Iruka causally slipped Naruto another IOU. He felt a little bad about having them knock glue covered sushi onto themself, but he was absolutely not coming clean about it anytime soon.

“So far this has been a little better than crying alone in the dark.”

“I thought you said drinking?”

“Eh same thing.”

For the following few months he made sure to lock his house up tight and would look over his shoulder constantly. His pranks were one and done, but so far everything they’d done in retaliation had had lasting consequences to him. 

“Hello?” Rōzu’s voice at the door put him on edge, if this was the long coming payback he was due, he’d made his peace and was ready to go out.

“Hello?” he opened the door, discreetly scanning the street behind them for Mizuki.

“Oh cool, I wasn’t sure if you were home since all your blinds are drawn” they pulled out a card. “This is for you, warning, there will be eel at this party, but I hope you’ll still come.”

“Uh” he looked down at the invite for their own party. “I see you decided to take matters into your own hands.”

“Well last year I was very let down to not get a secret base from any of my dear friends; but apparently everyone’s getting a party this year, so I am too.”

“I’ll be there then” he felt hopeful to have actually gotten away with one of the pranks finally.

“Thanks, I know we’ve had uh, a rough year with our, uh, relationship? I’m also a little sorry about the whole kiss thing.”

“Oh, don’t um, don’t worry about it” the apology caught him off guard, it sounded too sincere to be bait for something else. “I’m sure he would’ve invented his own event to ruthlessly gossip about even if you hadn’t done that.”

“Alright then um, I’ll see you later.”

He looked down at the card now that they were gone. The low level of guilt he’d felt about the sushi fiasco had just grown exponentially. He’d been so caught up in this prank war to realize he was an adult that shouldn’t be doing things like this. Trying to alleviate that guilt he bought them some flowers for the party.

“Oh wow” Rōzu looked at the bouquet. “I mean, they’re a little on the nose dontcha think?”

“I uh” Iruka wasn’t really a flower expert, and assumed roses were a good go to. “Just kinda think they’re nice?”

“I’ll let it slide since I like them” they brought them over to the kitchen. “Don’t feel bad if you see them dead in like three days though.”

Without a big prank to spice it up the party maintained a solid level of calm. He was the first to head out since he had an early start the next day. 

“But it’s almost at the best part!” Naruto had paused the movie to protest him leaving.

“You’ve said that for literally every scene Naruto” Rōzu took the remote from him. “Go get your sleep before you big boy mission tomorrow.”

“Don’t call it that.”

“Fine go get your sleep before your little boy mission tomorrow.”

“Thanks that’s so much better” he gave up on this losing battle and headed to the door.

“And feel free to take home any eel to try!”

“No.”

Eelless and on his way home he turned to look back at the apartment building. He froze upon doing so, the expected casual light from the TV was missing, and instead there was an ominous green glow radiating out the window. Worried he went back to the door and listened in.

“Our attempts to turn the teacher have failed” a voice that sounded like Kakashi spoke up.

“His aversion to eel is proving very strong, we’ll have to resort to other measures” Iruka felt very justified in his distrust of the eel hearing what he thought was Itachi say that.

“Don’t worry, his relationship with our vessels will grant us ample opportunity to turn him, and then we will be able to spread throughout all the major clans.”

He backed away from the door. He had been right! Rōzu was an alien trying to take control of the village! He tried to silently back away from the door to find someone to warn about this, but the floorboard let out a very loud creak as he did so.

“Someone is there” Rōzu’s distorted voice came closer to the door.

As he heard the knob turn he took off running. If he was lucky Jiraya would be in the village and could help him, but he had to get to the Hokage’s home first. He could hear someone chasing after him now, and turning around he saw Kakashi with one glowing green eye giving his chase.

“Cease your futile resistance” he was gaining on Iruka, even possessed by aliens Kakashi was faster than him. 

“I KNEW IT WAS ALIENS!” he was still afraid, but the adrenalin and vindication he felt was negating that fear.

Knowing he couldn’t win a direct race Iruka jumped down into the streets. Using alleys and various shortcuts he tried to confuse the alien Kakashi. After the twentieth turn he was certain he’d lost the alien and rushed to the Hokage’s home as fast as he could.

“Iruka why are you banging on my door at this hour?” Hiruzen looked half asleep as he answered the door.

“Lord Hokage, sir” he tried to explain while still out of breath. “They’re all aliens! Everyone! Kakashi, Rōzu, Itachi, even Naruto!”

“Iruka I thought I told you no mor-”

“Sir it’s true! I heard them plotting and Kakashi chased me here! They’re using eel to spread the possession so they can take over the village!”

“Oh Iruka” he put a hand on his shoulder. “You were better off ignorant to the truth.”

“Wha-” he froze as the Hokage’s eyes began to glow green as well. 

“You cannot escape us now that you know the truth” Rōzu and the rest of the alien party were blocking off behind him.

“You must become one of us.”

“One of us.”

They all began to chant this at him while he fearfully looked between them all. As the alien Rōzu approached him, a piece of the alien eel on a fork he tried to shove them away. Alien Kakashi had snuck on him and held his arms to prevent him from fighting back. All he could do was watch in horror as they held open his mouth and fed him the eel.

“How does it taste? Your final meal before you become one with the hive?”

“It’s firm yet also easy to chew” he knew he’d lost, he was going to become an alien too soon. “I don’t love the taste, but it’s still pretty good.”

“See we told you god” Rōzu’s eyes were now back to normal, as were everyone else’s.

“WHAT!” he yelled and spit out the part of the eel he hadn’t swallowed.

“Ew” they backed away and wiped the spit up eel off their shirt. 

“YOU ALL WERE POSSESSED BY ALIEN EEL!”

“No, we all pretended to be possessed by alien eel to mess with you.”

“WHY!”

“Because Naruto, my sweet baby boy, snitched on you.”

“YOU DID?” Iruka was now pointing at the eight year old in question.

“Listen, the power of the IOUs was tempting, but mom said they’d teach me the water dragon jutsu if I fessed up” Naruto handed him back one of the IOUs.    
“WHY WERE YOU ALL IN ON THIS?” he’d been schemed against on such a large scale.

“It was rude of you to glue sushi onto their shirt” Mikoto offered a shrug with her explanation.

“I thought it would be funny, and it was” Kakashi likewise offered a small shrug.

“But, you?” he turned to the leader of the leaf village.

“You and Jiraya destroyed part of my office and spent a half hour doing what again?”

“That was a year ago!”

“I’m an old man, I’m allowed to hold grudges.”

“If I defect from the village, this is why!” Iruka had feared for his life, because his friends were pulling a prank on him.

“Look at it this way” Rōzu gave him a pat on the back. “There’s no way your mission tomorrow is gonna be this scary.”

“I don’t wanna look at it that way, I’m choosing to look at it in the ‘My friends are all jerks’ way.”

Fed up with everything that had happened to him, Iruka went home. He was glad his mission meant being out of the village for a few days, he was pretty sure he would attack Rōzu on sight. 

Compared to the stress of the fake alien invasion, it was a cakewalk. He escorted a rather wealthy merchant to Sunakagure, and only two bandit groups tried to rob them. Between him and the other Chuunin on the mission, he was sure he knew this guy's name but had forgotten it, they had the merchant there untouched.

“Damn Iruka you’ve really gotten strong” the goatee bearing Chuunin was very impressed with his skills. “I didn’t even have to help you fight those bandits.”

“You didn’t help?” Iruka felt like it was weird he admitted that.

“I was going to, but you dealt them way quicker than I expected.”

“Oh well uh, I pretty much just train with Kakashi and compared to him those guys were really weak.”

“Ah yeah that’ll do it.”

He was glad the conversation died naturally, and that when they reported in he finally learned Iwashi’s name. He knew he’d seen the man with Genma before, but his name just didn’t stick with Iruka. 

He did his best to ignore Rōzu while leaving the Hokage’s office. As far as he could tell, they tried their best to do the opposite of that.

“Oh wow I’m just so clumsy” they had literally fallen off their chair in front of him. “Oh my gosh hey Iruka I didn’t even see you come in.”

“I’m sure you didn’t” he quickly stepped over them.

“Wait! I wanted to apologize again.”

“No offense, I’d rather just not see you for a bit.”

“Oh, uh, alright” they got back into their seat. “Sorry.”

With that situation tactfully dealt with, he headed home. He knew there would probably be another New Years party held by his friends so he couldn’t actually avoid them forever. With only two weeks before then he passed the time by just tagging along to various missions. 

“You’re really killing it man” Mizuki had been his partner for this most recent one. “Like, literally, I think you killed that guy.”

“What, nah” Iruka had felt something break as he elbowed the man in the head, but chose to ignore that.

“Oh I see your game, playing it cool. People love that.”

“No game, just tagging along and helping out with missions.”

“You sure? Literally everyone is talking about you.”

“You don’t count as everyone you know.”

“First of all, I do. Secondly, other people, aside from me, are also talking about you. Even the goatee guy was talking about you!”

“Well I haven’t heard any of this talk.”

“Listen I’m not saying it’s bad I’m just saying I’m aware of it. As I’ve always said as your best bro and wingman, you do you.”

“You’ve never once said that.”

“Regardless, since I’m in the know” he handed the mission file over to Iruka and winked. “I’ll leave you to handle turning in the report.”

“Why?” Iruka had a feeling he knew why.

“Oh you know” Mizuki just winked again before heading off. 

Ditched with the report, he decided to do something he was pretty sure would get him into some trouble. It also scared the hell out of someone else who was turning in a report as he leapt into the office through the window.

“Not another one” the Hokage rubbed his forehead distressed.

“Just turning this in real fast” he dropped the file down and turned back towards the window.

“Please, use the door.”

“I dunno it’s just kinda faster this way.”

“I insist.”

Knowing he shouldn’t directly disobey the Hokage, he did use the door.

“You’re not Izumo?” Rōzu seemed confused seeing him exit the office.

“Wait shit I’m not” Iruka looked himself over in a panic.

“Oh man Kotetsu is gonna be so heartbroken.”

“Ok serious question” Iruka paused his avoidance policy and this bit. “Are they, you know?”

“I wanna say they are? But I’m not sure?”

“Second, less pressing question, is there gonna be a party this year?” 

“I mean, Kakashi and Mikoto are out till next year so, if you wanna watch Naruto and Sasuke with me, then yes?”

“Mikoto is on a mission?” he felt like he’d have heard if she was back on active duty.

“Yeah I wanna say it’s the same one as Kakashi, but maybe they both just told me on the same day?”

“Oh uh” he had definitely missed hearing about that. “Gotcha.”

“If you don’t wanna do that I get it, and I know Mizuki is having a party again.”

“I’ll let you know” Iruka didn’t really wanna enter the Mizuki non-stop party zone. He also wasn’t sure watching Naruto and Sasuke would be an easier night.

“Alright!”

Given his very limited options and time he had put himself in a corner. On the one hand, dealing with Mizuki, on the other, dealing with two children and Rōzu. 

“Man I am so hype you came this year” Mizuki had shown up at his house at midnight again. Iruka made him swear in exchange for this one party he would never do so again.

“I’m noticing that not only is every other teacher we work with here, but literally every Chuunin too.”

“Yeah and?”

“I just don’t really remember hearing about this party before last year.”

“Man don’t worry about it.”

He did his best to not worry about it while partying with a lot of people he kind of knew. The drink options ranged from very strong drinks to somehow even stronger drinks, so he had half of one and decided that was enough. When it all got too much for him, he slipped outside to try and catch his breath without fifty people around him. He was surprised to not be the only one out here.

“Mizuki you left your own party?”

“Oh uh, yeah, it’s a bit out of hand this year.”

“I never thought I’d hear you say that” he’d always acted like a wild party animal.

“Yeah I know I know, it turns out this party train does have an end of the line. And uh, I’m sorry about not inviting you before last year, you were kind of a loser.”

“That sure was an apology” Iruka wasn’t going to disagree, but wasn’t happy being called a loser. “But I definitely wouldn't have come so, no harm no foul.”

“Yeah you really busted out of that loser shell, I’d almost consider you to be as cool as me now.”

“Wow, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“So far.”

“We’ve known each other for like ten years.”

“So far.”

“Sure” Iruka gave him a pat on the back. 

“Also sorry, my streak of best wingman sorta flopped tonight, I cannot believe Rōzu didn’t show up.”

“They’ve got a kid, did you think they would ditch Naruto to come here?”

“Well of course not, that’s why I invited Naruto too.”

“I’m gonna forget that you said that.”

“Appreciate it bro. I’m gonna head back in, feel free to slip away to one of your most legendary parties.”

Iruka just waved to him as he went back in. He had considered sneaking off before, but was now expressly told he could. His house was pretty close by, and he didn’t really care about missing the fireworks. 

“Hello?” Rōzu had opened the door at his knock. He could see a movie playing behind them with Naruto and Sasuke asleep on the couch. 

“Hey uh, is it too late to let you know about tonight?” he had, in fact, not done that.

“Well it’s before midnight still, so technically no. Should I put you down as a no?”

“You can put me as a yes, unless I’m not allowed in?”

“If you wake up the kids I’ll kick you out, but you can come in” they moved out of the way to let him through.

He headed inside. He was surprised to see the same movie from Rōzu’s party playing, but assumed Naruto just really liked it. He took a seat over at the table to avoid disturbing them on the couch.

“See what a nice, not shitty, table does when you sit down?” they sat down at the table with him.

“I mean, give me a few minutes with a saw and I can fix that.”

“You do that and you better prepare for all the people you know to get replaced by robots.”

“I think I could handle robots.”

“Oh getting an ego over there Mr. Hotshot?”

“I can’t help that the people have a newfound respect for my skills.”

“I’ll make sure to invite the people to spectate our next training session.”

“That’s two versus one and it’s not a fair fight so I think that would only help my reputation.”

“I can take you one on one.”

“It’s also cheating if you stab me in the head with your bones.”

“Ok now you’re just being unfair and a sore loser.”

He was too distracted by the still alive flowers he noticed in the windowsill to come up with a retort. Rōzu noticed him staring and followed his gaze.

“Naruto’s actually got a pretty good green thumb so, he’s been helping me keep them alive” they didn’t look back over at him while talking. “Thanks again for them, I uh, kinda really like them.”

“Not too on the nose?”

“It’s funny when I say it, not when you use it to tease me.”

“Oh you can’t take what you dish out?”

“Fine I just won’t thank you for a genuinely sweet gesture again.”

“I mean you then, like three hours later, got everyone to act like they’d been possessed by aliens to mess with me.”

“And I am very sorry for that.”

“And I’m sorry about the sushi, I probably should’ve apologized for that months ago though.”

“Uh yeah, it would’ve saved me all of the bribes I used to get everyone in on the alien scheme.”

“You really wouldn’t have gone through with that?”

“Well ok, maybe I would have, just to like a lesser extent.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the fireworks being set off outside. He didn’t think it’d gotten that late, but he also hadn’t been keeping track of the time.

“Another year without a secret base” Rōzu dramatically sighed while shooting him a look.

“You say you want a secret base” Iruka had thought up a good comeback to this. “But if I make it I’d know where it is and then boom, it’s not a secret.”

“Damn that’s, ok yeah you’ve made some good points.”

“Thank you” he bowed a little.

He realized it was quite difficult to actually see most of the fireworks from the table so he went over by the window. Rōzu followed him over after a little bit.

“So how’d that fancy big village tradition treat you this year?” Iruka figured it’d be brought up sooner or later, and decided to just bite the bullet and be the one to bring it up.

“It was pretty good to little ol me, probably since it was a milf to milf kiss.”

“You say that as if you forgot that Kakashi and I were honorary milfs.”

“Wow I’m so glad I’m sober so I can remember hearing you say that.”

“Can I give you an IOU to swear you to secrecy?”

“I’ll pass on the IOU, but I think I can resist sharing.”

“How kind of you.”

He noticed them fiddling with their hands. It reminded him of how Kakashi would fiddle with his mask before taking it off. 

“Do you wa-” he was cut off before even getting to fully ask the question.

“I do but uh” they put some space between the two of them. “I don’t um, well, I’ve never actually, you know.”

“Well I know you’ve eaten eel, and you’ve kissed me so.”

“I’ve never actually dated someone, and at first I thought it’d be kinda easy since you seem like you like me too. If you don’t I totally get that just for the record. I have since realized, I’m kinda a dick.”

“You just figured that out?”

“I dunno, I try to aim for charming asshole typically, and I’m sure I’ve missed that mark.”

“I mean I glued sushi to you and you just admitted to having feelings for me.”

“Yeah mom always said I had a bad taste in guys.”

“I’m sure Kakashi would take great offense to that.”

“Oh are you gonna sick your boyfriend on me cause I made fun of you now?”

“He is not my boyfriend just because we’ve kissed twice.”

“And for the record, what would make someone your partner then?”

“I don’t really know” Iruka was definitely the wrong person for that question. “As the record shows, I’ve only recently eaten eel and never dated.”

The last round of fireworks lit up the sky, brightly covering them both in a warm red glow. Not too sure what to do, Iruka reached over and grabbed one of their hands. 

“So um, before the new years magic kiss window closes” Rōzu looked at him. 

The final firework of the night went up, bathing the village in a strong red light. He looked back at them. His chest felt tight and he could hear his heartbeat. He leaned towards them, and their lips met his. The tightness is his chest relaxed, and as they both pulled away all he could hear was their breathing.

He’d had high hopes for the new year. Between all of his training and missions making Jonin before he turned twenty-one seemed pretty likely. 

“Hey!” Rōzu found him on his way home after work. “Sorry the Hokage wanted to get this assigned out ASAP and I said I could run it to you.”

“Oh” Iruka had been in the village for one whole day this week. “I guess I can handle it?”

“It’s pretty high ranked but I don’t think it’ll be too bad” they handed him the mission file. “This ranch owner sends in a few a year and all of them are put as A rank.”

“A rank?” he hadn’t actually done any A rank missions before. “Isn’t that a bit much for a solo mission?”

“No way, this guy just inflates the rank since he’s paranoid about his special horses, nothing you can’t handle!”

That did put him a little more at ease, and going through the file it didn’t seem too bad. Guarding a few race horses couldn’t attract that much danger.

“Alright then, I guess I’ll head out right away.”

“Good luck!” they gave his hand a quick squeeze before heading off.

Finding the ranch was surprisingly difficult. Rōzu had called the employer paranoid, but having his horse ranch miles deep in thick woodlands seemed excessive. The ranch itself was fairly small when he finally found it.

“There’s always some bastard trying to sabotage my horses before the big races” the employer was giving him a quick tour of the place. “Make sure no one gets into their barn.”

“Uh alright?” Iruka had spotted a good vantage point for the barn. “Is there anything I should be on the lookout for in particular?”

“Hm, I heard a bear the other night so try not get mauled by that.”

“Right” he didn’t mind an easy mission like this.

He set up a few tripwires to help cover the blindspots from his vantage point. The night passed and there wasn’t a single soul that tried to get into the barn. He almost felt bad about getting paid for the job. 

“Here give me a hand getting their wagon setup” the rancher had dragged something over to the barn.

“Sure?” Iruka at least wanted to do something for the job.

After securing a few ropes the wagon was ready. He waited for the rancher to come back out before leaving. To his great distress, he got a look at the horses.

“They’ve got” he couldn’t look away from the three horses as they moved into the wagon. “Six legs.”

“Yessir, all three of them are champions.”

“That’s” he’d have to apologize to Kakashi. “Wow.”

Following that mission nothing really major happened in his work life. The next big disaster in his personal life was due to his own mistake.

“So” Mizuki, the only person he thought could be confided to about this particular issue, had heard him out. “You just described to me, like, the most ideal situation.”

“How could this be ideal? In what world?”

“If you refuse to see how incredible the situation you’ve put yourself in actually is, then I refuse to help.”

“What?”

“You’re on your own man, you don’t even need a wingman like me anymore” Mizuki looked like he was choking back tears as he left.

He’d put all his hope in Mizuki coming through for him. Time was running out, he barely had an hour left to try and think of a way out. 

“I’ll pack my things up, head to the ocean, and change my name.”

Without anyone to stop him, he did start packing his things up. He was halfway through charting a course to the ocean when a knock broke his concentration. In a panic he realized something, his clocks were behind. His window to make it out of this unsacthed had just closed.

“Hey there..” Iruka opened the door, cursing internally seeing Kakashi there. 

“Hey, you moving?” he could see the packed up bags scattered behind Iruka.

“What uh, nope.”

“Uh huh, so, you ready to go?”

“I honestly thought you’d get here kinda late so not really.”

“I’m hurt, what kind of guy would show up late for a date?”

“You.”

“Ha, now you can’t say that because I’m here on time.”

“Oh hey Kakashi!” Rōzu had just rounded a corner and called out to them both. He could feel the situation start to crash down around him. “Whatcha doing here?”

“Well I was here to pick Iruka up for a date, given your current outfit though” he looked over their outfit, Rōzu was more dressed up than Iruka had expected. “Are you also here to do that?”

“In a strange turn of events, I am.”

“Hm.”

Iruka’s mouth dried up as they both turned to look at him. He had put himself into this situation, and had no idea how to get out of it.

“So what was your date gonna be?”

“Picnic, yours?”

“Movie and then dinner.”

“Oh nice.”

“Yeah, I think there’s probably still tickets open for it?”

“I haven’t seen any new movies in awhile.”

Iruka, who still hadn’t said anything, froze. Were they working this out? Did the situation resolve itself?

“Are you two” he wanted to check and be safe. “You’re both cool with this?”

“I mean, I don’t really mind?” Rōzu gave a small shrug. “We already spend most of our time together.”

“Yeah, it’ll save me the trouble of trying to discreetly place a dinner reservation during the movie.”

“Oh” Iruka had really expected this to end a lot worse. 

“Besides it’d ruin the night if we had to make you choose, and then hunt you down while you try to flee the state.”

“I would not” he closed the door to hide his plans to flee the state. “Do that. Specifically choose but also flee the state.”

“Sure you wouldn’t” Rōzu grabbed one of his hands.

He offered his free hand to Kakashi.

“We really shouldn’t hold hands and walk to the theater” he said this while accepting the held out hand.

Iruka wasn’t sure if what they had was a relationship in a traditional sense. He also didn’t really care. Amidst the regular chaos of his life, he enjoyed being with the two of them when they could all find the time. Before he knew it the years had come and gone, he and Mizuki had a week to make selections for Rookie and Kuniochi of the year before the final exam and graduation.


End file.
